Those who can invite everyone they want to a wedding are very lucky indeed. Due to venue capacity or budget restraints, most soon-to-be-married couples will have to tighten their list and exclude some people they wish could be there.
Of course, some people are easier to put on the “do not invite” list than others.
Even if those unlucky individuals still find themselves surprised by the lack of a wedding invite.
Just ahead of his upcoming wedding, a family Redditor Successful-Tank-851 contacted him out of the blue, expressing their excitement at attending.
Despite the fact that they were not invited to the wedding.
The original poster (OP) had no trouble telling this unwanted guest why their presence at his wedding would not be appreciated.
Reasons this disgruntled family member attributed to a mere “grudge.”
Wondering if he was being unreasonable, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for not letting my mom come to my wedding after she ignored me my whole life?”
The OP explained why his mother was very intentionally left off his wedding guest list:
“I (26 M[ale]) am getting married to my fiancée (let’s call her Sarah (25 F[emale]) in a few months, and I’m super excited about it.”
“But there’s one big issue with all the planning—my mom.”
“A little background:”
“My parents divorced when I was 8, and my mom (let’s call her Layla) remarried pretty quickly after that.”
“She married this guy, Dave, who had two kids of his own.”
“Ever since, it’s like I was no longer a priority in her life.”
“She focused all her attention on Dave and his kids.”
“Like, I’m not exaggerating when I say she treated them way better than me. “
“They’d go on trips, she’d go to all their sports events, and they’d get everything they wanted.”
“Meanwhile, I felt like I was invisible.”
“She didn’t ask about my school, didn’t care about my friends, or even my mental health.”
“I started to feel like I wasn’t even her kid anymore.”
“When I turned 18, I moved out. I thought maybe she’d care and try to stay in touch, but nope—she didn’t.”
“I’d text her once in a while just to check in, and she’d either not respond or say she was busy with Dave and his kids.”
“I figured if she didn’t care, why should I?”
“So, I just stopped trying to reach out.”
“Fast forward to now.”
“I’m planning my wedding, and out of nowhere, my mom starts texting me like we’re super close.”
“She wants to know all the details, saying how excited she is, and even saying things like, ‘I can’t wait to see you start this new chapter.’”
“Like… seriously?”
“I haven’t heard from her in years, and now she expects to be front and center for my wedding?”
“I told her straight up that I didn’t want her there.”
“I said I’m not comfortable with her coming after everything that’s happened and that if she really wants to have a relationship, we can talk about it after the wedding, but not before.”
“She started crying and saying I’m holding a grudge and that ‘I’m her son’ and ‘she deserves to be there.’”
“But I don’t know how I’m supposed to forget the fact that she ignored me my whole childhood in favor of Dave’s kids.”
“Now, my family is split.”
“Some of them think I’m right and that I shouldn’t just let her show up when she never showed up for me.”
“Others think I should just let it go, and ‘it’s just one day’ and that I should let her come to the wedding to keep the peace.”
“So… AITA for not letting my mom come to my wedding after everything that happened?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**Hole for not inviting his mother to his wedding.
Everyone agreed that the OP was absolutely correct in feeling his mother hadn’t earned an invitation to his wedding after neglecting him for years, with many finding the OP’s mother was now getting a perfect taste of her own medicine.
“‘She started crying and saying I’m holding a grudge and that ‘I’m her son’ and ‘she deserves to be there’.”
“And you’re her son who deserved to have a mother that cared and prioritized you at least occasionally, but here you are.”
“You’re well within your rights to hold that grudge until you feel comfortable letting her back into your life, which is not now.”
“‘Others think I should just let it go, and ‘it’s just one day’ and that I should let her come to the wedding to keep the peace’.”
“I hate this sentiment with a passion.”
“What peace?”
“You would not be at peace if you had your mom at your wedding.”
“Childhood neglect is not something you forgive and forget for most people, especially when you’ve come to terms with not having a relationship with your parent.”
“She doesn’t get to waltz back in to ruin what’s supposed to be one of the happiest day of your life.”
“NTA.”- Bo_O58
“NTA.”
“This is your wedding, you’re supposed to have the people you love around you, it’s not for her or anyone else.”
“You said you would talk about things after the wedding, which is reasonable.”
“It’s up to you who you invite, not your family; it may be unpopular with some of them, but ultimately it’s your decision.”- Thrwwymc
“NTA.”
“Your mom basically pulled a ‘Hey, stranger!’ like she’s an old friend sliding into your DMs after ghosting you for years.”
“Now, because it’s a big life event, suddenly she wants to play ‘proud mom’?”
“Nah, she missed out on the backstage pass a long time ago.”
“It’s wild that she thinks she can just show up now like everything’s cool.”
“She had all these years to be involved but chose Dave and his kids over you.”
“That’s on her.”
“Honestly, weddings are about celebrating with people who’ve been there through thick and thin, not people who show up out of nowhere when it’s convenient.”
“If she’s serious about reconnecting, she should respect that your wedding isn’t the time or place to start.”
“You’ve offered to talk after, and that’s actually really mature.”
“If she really cares, she’ll wait and try to rebuild something.”
“Otherwise, she’s only proving your point.”- SugaryWetLips
“NTA mate, I say stick to your guns.”
“At the end of the day, it’s yours and your fiancée’s decision who comes. If she supports your decision, then you have your answer.”
“Congrats on the wedding!”- AN4RCHY90
“NTA.”
“You are not obligated to ‘keep the peace’ when the only one disrupting the ‘peace’ is your absent mother trying to get free food and drink and glory at your wedding.”
“Why would she ever expect to be welcome there?”
“Her presence would be a painful reminder that she didn’t think you were worth the time of day.”
“My guess is she will disappear again as soon as it’s over.”- meeseeks2020
“But it’s not. It’s your wedding and a major milestone event in your life, which she has barely been a part of since she remarried.”
“You are keeping the peace.”
“It’s just your own you are keeping.”
“Where were the family members speaking up now when you were a child?”
“Because before they start with ‘but she’s family/your mum/you only get one’ you need to shut them down on it because they were all more than happy to turn a blind eye to her missing your events, taking trips and pretty much ignoring your existence.”
“Make sure Sarah is completely on board with your decision (as there have been many, many posts where the S/O decided to try and ‘fix’ things by inviting people their partner is NC with) and stand firm.”
“If your mum truly wants a relationship with you, she will wait until all the glory of the wedding has passed and get to know you and Sarah at a more appropriate time.”
“NTA.”- maleficentwasright
“NTA.”
“She hasn’t been a mom to you for years.”
“It even doesn’t like she wants any reconciliation – no apology, no how are you, no real interest.”
“Just demand after demand ignoring the fact you two have no kind of relationship for years.”
“It seems she just want to play important role that she doesn’t deserve, bring her family and have a good party with them.”
“You decide.”
“Not her, not family.”
“If they want to keep peace…what about keeping that you have now without her in your life?”- Danube_Kitty
There are few feelings worse than that of being left out or ignored.
Particularly when you’re a young child.
Perhaps being left out of her son’s wedding will give the OP’s mother the tiniest idea of what it felt like to grow up being all but ignored by his mother.
At the very least, it’s safe to say she’ll likely also be carrying a “grudge” for years to come…