Everyone has a past.
Some pasts are not a topic every person likes to discuss.
And some people are the type who like to know all the secrets no matter what.
These types of people often clash.
So where does that leave most conversations?
Redditor Valuable-Hotel4435 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for not disclosing the fact I’m adopted to my fiancé’s family?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (27 M[ale]) was adopted as an infant.”
“I always knew.”
“My parents never hid this from me or made it something shameful.”
“But I never liked to talk about it with others.”
“It normally opens up a lot of questions about my biological (or real as some would call them) parents.”
“Or some people start talking about my parents like they’re not really my parents.”
“I had it happen when I was a lot younger and started school and told people my ‘special story.'”
“So after we moved when I was 8 I stopped talking about it and acted to others like my parents are my bio parents.”
“I told my fiancé when we started dating, but apart from her and some very close friends, I never talk about it with people.”
“To me, it’s not something that anyone else needs to know.”
“This includes my fiancé’s family.”
“My adopted status was revealed to my fiancé’s family during a recent visit of theirs.”
“I got a knock on the door from a P[rivate] I[nvestigator] who informed me my biological parents were interested in contact with me and they overheard.”
“They had a lot of questions but primarily they were angry at me, for two reasons.”
“Firstly, and most importantly for this post, because I didn’t tell them.”
“They did not like ‘being kept in the dark’ and did not like my fiancé’s response that it wasn’t any of their business.”
“Secondly, because I expressed to the PI that I was not interested in any contact with them and asked him to pass this on to my biological parents.”
“My fiancé’s family had the very reaction I try to avoid from people and they asked how I could turn down the chance to know my ‘real family.'”
“But the primary criticism is that I did not tell them and let them find out that way.”
“They said they could have had grandkids affected by this, and I wouldn’t tell them.”
“My fiancé reminded them it was none of their business, and she had them leave early when they refused to let the topic go.”
“But her parents are still pissed at me.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA, your parents are your parents, period.”
‘Also, why is a PI knocking on your door for this?”
“This is usually done with a letter.” ~ IrradiantFuzzy
“NTA. The people that raised you ARE your real parents.”
“The other 2 people are an egg & sperm donor.”
“You share the information with whomever you decide.”
“The I[n]-L[aw]s are not entitled to it and it shouldn’t make a hoot of difference whether or not you’re adopted.”
“You didn’t lie to them in any way, shape, or form.”
“I don’t understand how that would affect your children (IL’s grandchildren).”
“I’ve never asked ANYBODY if their parents were their biological parents.”
“And at some point, I’ve found out that some were not the biological parents. So what.”
“Didn’t change anything for me or them.”
“Glad your fiancé has your back.”
“Nice to have a supportive partner!” ~ Ducky818
“NTA. Your adoption story is your personal information to share or not share as you see fit.”
“You were under no obligation to disclose this information to your fiancé’s family.”
‘The fact that you shared it with your fiancé shows that you trust her and value your relationship.”
“Your fiancé’s family’s reaction is unfortunate, and their insistence on knowing about your ‘real family’ is disrespectful to your adoptive parents and your own feelings on the matter.”
“It’s important to remember that your adoptive parents are your real parents, as they raised and loved you.”
“Your fiancé did the right thing by defending you and asking her family to leave when they refused to drop the topic.”
“You and your fiancé seem to be on the same page regarding this issue, which is crucial in maintaining a strong relationship.”
“If her family continues to bring up the subject, you and your fiancée should establish boundaries and communicate that this is not a topic open for discussion.”
“It’s essential to prioritize your well-being and the health of your relationship over the unwarranted curiosity of others.” ~ MyLipsBetweenMyHips
“NTA. Your in-laws are behaving in a very condescending way by…”
“1) asserting that you owed them this information, and…”
“2) asserting that they should have input in how you move forward with regard to contact.”
“Given that you haven’t implied that they are like this in other ways, I will give them the benefit of the doubt that perhaps they were just surprised and responded poorly in this one situation.”
“Good for your fiancé for setting and holding boundaries.”
“This is truly none of their business and I hope they will have the good sense not to voice their unwanted opinions again.”
“I’m sorry for the stress this has added to an already busy season.” ~ MiddleHuckleberry445
“NTA… Like you and your fiancé already told them: it’s none of their business.”
“NONE of it is any of their business.”
“They have no right to be angry.”
“Remind them that if they wish to be involved in their future grandchildren’s lives, they’re going to have to learn some boundaries–and fast.” ~ RoyallyOakie
“NTA. Adoption is an event in your life.”
“Not an identity or a label.”
“You don’t have to disclose that even if you don’t want to.” ~ Neutral_Guy_9
“Why the hell are they pissed at YOU?”
“I mean, it’s not like you MADE your biological donors place you for adoption.”
“My cousin was adopted and it was such a NON-ISSUE for us.”
“I DON’T KNOW, we never felt like he was any less because he wasn’t ‘blood.'”
“He was and still is my cousin, just as much as his brother who was born to my Aunt and Uncle after they adopted my cousin.”
“People need to stay in their own lane. NTA.” ~ jjrobinson73
“Obviously NTA.”
“It’s your personal business, and no one needs to know unless it affects them directly, and this does not.”
“They need to respect your choices.”
“Your family is your real family.”
“Anyone you choose to love is your real family, blood does not make someone family.”
“Such as your in-laws if you were closer and they had treated you with respect they would be your real family.” ~ MrsNobodyspecial67
“NTA. I’m glad your fiancé is supporting you through this.”
“Just 1 point to consider— My mother was adopted and has never wanted to know anything about her biological parents.”
“As I’ve gotten older, I’ve started having some health issues that are likely caused by a genetic disorder.”
“Because I don’t know anything about my maternal medical history, getting care has been kind of tough.”
“Asking for updated medical history from your biological parents might be helpful for you and your kids in the future.” ~ swooziloo
“NTA. Your family is your family.”
“Your egg and sperm donors are just that… donors.”
“They had zero input in how you have grown to be who you are now.”
“In the same way that your fiancé’s parent has zero input in whether you want to disclose that fact or not.”
“So what if you’re adopted?”
“Would that have any bearing on your ability to become a good partner and parent? None.” ~ External-Project2017
“Absolutely NTA and good for your fiancé for being awesome and telling them how it is.”
“Hopefully they take a step back and realize how ridiculous they’re being.” ~ Lizzydeathstar
“What a great fiancé.”
“Keep her, ditch her family.”
‘She is absolutely correct.”
“And she had your back.”
‘You were right to tell her, as a person who you might potentially have children with in the future.”
“Other than her and your doctor, there is nobody else who you need to tell.”
“It isn’t shameful or anything, it just isn’t their business. NTA.” ~ MissAnth
“As an adoptive mama, this kind of thing drives me nuts.”
“It’s none of their business.”
“Blood/biology does not make a family.”
“It’s the folks who raised you, who comforted you, who loved you, who cherished you that are your family.”
“And the relationship you have with your biological family is up to you.”
“I hope they can see that and get over themselves.”
“I am glad to see that your fiancé stood up for you.”
“I hope it all works out.”
“Be well and congrats on your upcoming marriage.”
“ETA: NTA” ~ ElDia13
“NTA. For some godforsaken reason, people really think sharing some genes actually means that much.”
“Your family is who was there for you.”
“It’s the reason marriage vows are ‘through sickness and health.'”
“Family is there no matter what.”
“People that gave you up aren’t family, certainly not ‘real family.'”
“And it really makes no difference in who you are, so no it’s not any of their business.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“If they have a problem, sounds like your fiancé is cool about putting them in their place.”
“You got a keeper.” ~ H3artl355Ang3l
“NTA. Your history is yours.”
“None of this affects them or your fiancé unless you’re genetically related to your fiancé, and this was a health risk to any potential kids, but I doubt this is why they care.”
“It sounds like your fiancé’s family is the [everything on the table’ type.”
“That’s wonderful if they choose to do that, but you don’t have to.”
“You’re allowed to not share that you’re adopted because it’s irrelevant to them.”
‘Your partner knows and she also agrees it’s none of their business.”
“They keep this up, you won’t be having any relationship with them at all.”
“If you wanted to know them, that should have been YOUR choice and yours alone.” ~ archetyping101
“NTA. I am an adoptee and like you, I consider it a very private matter.”
“You told your fiancé which I think was appropriate.”
“No need for your fiancé’s family to know.”
“The biggest AH here is the PI; they should have spoken to you in private and not casually told everyone present what they were there for.” ~ Waste_Worker6122
“NTA but if you have the phone number of the PI I would ask if he could get you a medical history for the bio family.”
“Not completely necessary but a good thing to have.”
‘I don’t like your fiancé’s parent but I like her.” ~ BriefHorror
“NTA 100%. It’s not their business by all means.” ~ FairyFlossFlowers
“NTA. I would have been petty AF and asked them if they were so invested in your history because they had adopted someone out and were holding out hope that they would come back on their own.”
“Your girlfriend is a keeper though.” ~ LaserLuv24
Reddit is in your corner, OP.
You get to tell whomever you want to whenever you want to.
And if/when you wish to meet your bio folks, that is your decision alone.
No explanation is necessary.
Congrats on the wedding, and good luck.