Everyone has a past.
Some pasts are not a topic every person likes to discuss.
And some people are the type who like to know all the secrets no matter what.
These types of people often clash.
So where does that leave most conversations?
Redditor Valuable-Hotel4435 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for not disclosing the fact I'm adopted to my fiancé's family?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (27 M[ale]) was adopted as an infant."
"I always knew."
"My parents never hid this from me or made it something shameful."
"But I never liked to talk about it with others."
"It normally opens up a lot of questions about my biological (or real as some would call them) parents."
"Or some people start talking about my parents like they're not really my parents."
"I had it happen when I was a lot younger and started school and told people my 'special story.'"
"So after we moved when I was 8 I stopped talking about it and acted to others like my parents are my bio parents."
"I told my fiancé when we started dating, but apart from her and some very close friends, I never talk about it with people."
"To me, it's not something that anyone else needs to know."
"This includes my fiancé's family."
"My adopted status was revealed to my fiancé's family during a recent visit of theirs."
"I got a knock on the door from a P[rivate] I[nvestigator] who informed me my biological parents were interested in contact with me and they overheard."
"They had a lot of questions but primarily they were angry at me, for two reasons."
"Firstly, and most importantly for this post, because I didn't tell them."
"They did not like 'being kept in the dark' and did not like my fiancé's response that it wasn't any of their business."
"Secondly, because I expressed to the PI that I was not interested in any contact with them and asked him to pass this on to my biological parents."
"My fiancé's family had the very reaction I try to avoid from people and they asked how I could turn down the chance to know my 'real family.'"
"But the primary criticism is that I did not tell them and let them find out that way."
"They said they could have had grandkids affected by this, and I wouldn't tell them."
"My fiancé reminded them it was none of their business, and she had them leave early when they refused to let the topic go."
"But her parents are still pissed at me."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA, your parents are your parents, period."
'Also, why is a PI knocking on your door for this?"
"This is usually done with a letter." ~ IrradiantFuzzy
"NTA. The people that raised you ARE your real parents."
"The other 2 people are an egg & sperm donor."
"You share the information with whomever you decide."
"The I[n]-L[aw]s are not entitled to it and it shouldn't make a hoot of difference whether or not you're adopted."
"You didn't lie to them in any way, shape, or form."
"I don't understand how that would affect your children (IL's grandchildren)."
"I've never asked ANYBODY if their parents were their biological parents."
"And at some point, I've found out that some were not the biological parents. So what."
"Didn't change anything for me or them."
"Glad your fiancé has your back."
"Nice to have a supportive partner!" ~ Ducky818
"NTA. Your adoption story is your personal information to share or not share as you see fit."
"You were under no obligation to disclose this information to your fiancé's family."
'The fact that you shared it with your fiancé shows that you trust her and value your relationship."
"Your fiancé's family's reaction is unfortunate, and their insistence on knowing about your 'real family' is disrespectful to your adoptive parents and your own feelings on the matter."
"It's important to remember that your adoptive parents are your real parents, as they raised and loved you."
"Your fiancé did the right thing by defending you and asking her family to leave when they refused to drop the topic."
"You and your fiancé seem to be on the same page regarding this issue, which is crucial in maintaining a strong relationship."
"If her family continues to bring up the subject, you and your fiancée should establish boundaries and communicate that this is not a topic open for discussion."
"It's essential to prioritize your well-being and the health of your relationship over the unwarranted curiosity of others." ~ MyLipsBetweenMyHips
"NTA. Your in-laws are behaving in a very condescending way by..."
"1) asserting that you owed them this information, and..."
"2) asserting that they should have input in how you move forward with regard to contact."
"Given that you haven't implied that they are like this in other ways, I will give them the benefit of the doubt that perhaps they were just surprised and responded poorly in this one situation."
"Good for your fiancé for setting and holding boundaries."
"This is truly none of their business and I hope they will have the good sense not to voice their unwanted opinions again."
"I'm sorry for the stress this has added to an already busy season." ~ MiddleHuckleberry445
"NTA... Like you and your fiancé already told them: it's none of their business."
"NONE of it is any of their business."
"They have no right to be angry."
"Remind them that if they wish to be involved in their future grandchildren's lives, they're going to have to learn some boundaries--and fast." ~ RoyallyOakie
"NTA. Adoption is an event in your life."
"Not an identity or a label."
"You don't have to disclose that even if you don't want to." ~ Neutral_Guy_9
"Why the hell are they pissed at YOU?"
"I mean, it's not like you MADE your biological donors place you for adoption."
"My cousin was adopted and it was such a NON-ISSUE for us."
"I DON'T KNOW, we never felt like he was any less because he wasn't 'blood.'"
"He was and still is my cousin, just as much as his brother who was born to my Aunt and Uncle after they adopted my cousin."
"People need to stay in their own lane. NTA." ~ jjrobinson73
"Obviously NTA."
"It's your personal business, and no one needs to know unless it affects them directly, and this does not."
"They need to respect your choices."
"Your family is your real family."
"Anyone you choose to love is your real family, blood does not make someone family."
"Such as your in-laws if you were closer and they had treated you with respect they would be your real family." ~ MrsNobodyspecial67
"NTA. I'm glad your fiancé is supporting you through this."
"Just 1 point to consider— My mother was adopted and has never wanted to know anything about her biological parents."
"As I've gotten older, I've started having some health issues that are likely caused by a genetic disorder."
"Because I don't know anything about my maternal medical history, getting care has been kind of tough."
"Asking for updated medical history from your biological parents might be helpful for you and your kids in the future." ~ swooziloo
"NTA. Your family is your family."
"Your egg and sperm donors are just that… donors."
"They had zero input in how you have grown to be who you are now."
"In the same way that your fiancé's parent has zero input in whether you want to disclose that fact or not."
"So what if you're adopted?"
"Would that have any bearing on your ability to become a good partner and parent? None." ~ External-Project2017
"Absolutely NTA and good for your fiancé for being awesome and telling them how it is."
"Hopefully they take a step back and realize how ridiculous they're being." ~ Lizzydeathstar
"What a great fiancé."
"Keep her, ditch her family."
'She is absolutely correct."
"And she had your back."
'You were right to tell her, as a person who you might potentially have children with in the future."
"Other than her and your doctor, there is nobody else who you need to tell."
"It isn't shameful or anything, it just isn't their business. NTA." ~ MissAnth
"As an adoptive mama, this kind of thing drives me nuts."
"It's none of their business."
"Blood/biology does not make a family."
"It's the folks who raised you, who comforted you, who loved you, who cherished you that are your family."
"And the relationship you have with your biological family is up to you."
"I hope they can see that and get over themselves."
"I am glad to see that your fiancé stood up for you."
"I hope it all works out."
"Be well and congrats on your upcoming marriage."
"ETA: NTA" ~ ElDia13
"NTA. For some godforsaken reason, people really think sharing some genes actually means that much."
"Your family is who was there for you."
"It's the reason marriage vows are 'through sickness and health.'"
"Family is there no matter what."
"People that gave you up aren't family, certainly not 'real family.'"
"And it really makes no difference in who you are, so no it's not any of their business."
"Don't worry about it."
"If they have a problem, sounds like your fiancé is cool about putting them in their place."
"You got a keeper." ~ H3artl355Ang3l
"NTA. Your history is yours."
"None of this affects them or your fiancé unless you're genetically related to your fiancé, and this was a health risk to any potential kids, but I doubt this is why they care."
"It sounds like your fiancé's family is the [everything on the table' type."
"That's wonderful if they choose to do that, but you don't have to."
"You're allowed to not share that you're adopted because it's irrelevant to them."
'Your partner knows and she also agrees it's none of their business."
"They keep this up, you won't be having any relationship with them at all."
"If you wanted to know them, that should have been YOUR choice and yours alone." ~ archetyping101
"NTA. I am an adoptee and like you, I consider it a very private matter."
"You told your fiancé which I think was appropriate."
"No need for your fiancé's family to know."
"The biggest AH here is the PI; they should have spoken to you in private and not casually told everyone present what they were there for." ~ Waste_Worker6122
"NTA but if you have the phone number of the PI I would ask if he could get you a medical history for the bio family."
"Not completely necessary but a good thing to have."
'I don't like your fiancé's parent but I like her." ~ BriefHorror
"NTA 100%. It's not their business by all means." ~ FairyFlossFlowers
"NTA. I would have been petty AF and asked them if they were so invested in your history because they had adopted someone out and were holding out hope that they would come back on their own."
"Your girlfriend is a keeper though." ~ LaserLuv24
Reddit is in your corner, OP.
You get to tell whomever you want to whenever you want to.
And if/when you wish to meet your bio folks, that is your decision alone.
No explanation is necessary.
Congrats on the wedding, and good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp