One of the facets of a strong and healthy relationship is to be honest and open with our partners.
When we conceal something important from them, there are consequences, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor CatManZebra was floored when he discovered that his girlfriend had concealed a sexually transmitted disease from him, even though she was also pregnant.
When she pushed back against his concerns, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he was overreacting.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for getting upset with my girlfriend for not telling me she had HPV (Human Papillomavirus) until months later?”
The OP recently found out about his girlfriend’s diagnosis.
“My girlfriend is currently pregnant (7 months) with our child.”
“Early in the pregnancy she got a Pap smear and was told she had HPV, but she never told me until recently.”
“Over dinner, I confronted her about it and said that it really hurt me that she never bothered to tell me.”
“When I did this, she got very defensive and said that she was embarrassed.”
“She also said that she didn’t have to tell me because we were already having sex a lot, we’re pregnant, likely going to be with each other for a long time/forever, etc.”
The OP was not comfortable with this.
“The way I see it, it’s my right to know, so that I can be informed and know the risks and implications.”
“When I asked if she even researched it to see if it would be harmful to me, she said no and didn’t see the point for reasons stated above (already having sex, etc.)”
“Since then, we have learned that for men, HPV is relatively harmless.”
“So in some ways, it’s not a big deal.”
“But I’m just really hurt that she kept it from me for so long, and when she finally told me, she didn’t sincerely apologize and became very defensive.”
“It seems incredibly selfish in my eyes.”
“Am I the a**hole for being upset about this?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some completely understood where the OP was coming from.
“No I don’t think you are at all. If I was diagnosed with HPV or any STD related infection, I would tell my partner straight away.” – Sophiasphaghettia
“It is just respectful to the partner to share that information. Not sharing that information violates trust between partners.” – ts1985
“NTA. She should have told you from the start. While HPV may not always effect men the same way it effects women, it doesn’t mean that you can’t contract it.”
“And what about the baby? Does the baby have it? It’s your child too, she should have told you. Makes me wonder what else she’s hiding. Go get tested for everything in the book.” – Special-Attitude-242
“You’re NTA for being hurt. There’s a decent chance her doctor told her it wouldn’t affect her partner if it wasn’t precancerous or a precursor to genital warts or something. Was she diagnosed with an actual strain of HPV or did the doctor just find abnormal cells that indicated HPV?”
“Her getting defensive about it isn’t helpful. It sounds like this will continue to bother you because you don’t understand her reaction and she doesn’t seem sympathetic to yours. I know it’s the stereotypical suggestion but, counseling together?” – shyfidelity
Others were concerned by the girlfriend’s behavior and reasoning.
“I think that her overall behavior is very weird here. But some of the defensiveness might be from shame even if she isn’t being deceptive. There is a ton of stigma attached to stds – that they mean you’re dirty and promiscuous.”
“But not telling you is still way out of line.” – phalseprofits
“NTA.”
“My brother slept around a lot, and when he finally picked up something the first thing he did was start calling his exes and one-nighters. One woman, he called two other people to get a number she could be reached at. He said it was harder than actually getting the diagnosis.”
“Seriously, you owe it to your partners. All of them. I can’t understand how she could treat the man she wants to be with forever like that. Embarrassed? Give me a break.” – lyan-cat
“Not just tests. That’s such a fundamental thing you should tell your partner. The fact that she doesn’t see it that way indicates that she is incredibly selfish.”
“On top of this, idk (I don’t know) if I could ever trust her again after finding out she kept something like that from me. Too bad they have a kid on the way, or tbh (to be honest), I’d say leaving her would’ve been the best decision.” – IllustriousBrance651
A few pointed out this was criminal behavior in some places.
“This is basic respect and trust!”
“But this is also a matter of consent.”
“In some places if you are fully aware of having an sti and don’t reveal it to your sexual partner you can face criminal charges. it’s also akin to sexual assault because the partner may not have consented if they knew about the sti. being informed is a big deal.”
“The fact that she knew about the HPV, didn’t research to see if it was a problem, and didn’t tell op is all horrifying… what if it had been more serious and OP got it!”
“None of this is ok.” – menabelle
“I live in a place like that – reason for the law bring that way? A guy got diagnosed with HIV, and then intentionally slept with as many women as he could without telling them as revenge.”
“About 15 women got diagnosed because of him, so he got charged for it and is serving a long sentence in jail (I can’t remember what the specific charge he got was, this was years ago).”
“But yeah. What she did, depending on where OP is, could be a crime.” – fallen_star_2319
The subReddit absolutely understood why the OP was upset and why he would have wanted to know this information sooner. Even though he may never be directly impacted by his girlfriend’s diagnosis, it’s still worth knowing, so they can make the best decisions in their relationship.