Parenting isn't easy.
Nobody is perfect at it.
And when people make mistakes that affect another person's life (like parent to child) it's always nice to hear an "I'm sorry."
It's especially nice to hear before people start asking for favors.
Redditor OkRecommendation1408 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for telling my parents to ask their foster children for help instead of me?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My (34 M[ale]) life could have been okay growing up except that my parents wanted to be good people."
"So they became foster parents."
"I think that was noble of them."
"Those kids needed help."
"The downside was that I got ignored."
"I got less attention than those kids because I was 'independent' and didn't 'need the help.'"
"Gifts from my grandparents became gifts for the family."
"My grandparents put a stop to that by not buying me gifts but taking me out instead."
"I got to go see movies and be taken out for meals and weekend trips with my grandparents."
"My dad's folks took me to Disneyland and my mom's mom and dad took me to NYC."
"My parents tried to get the money for this stuff given to me (them) instead."
"I begged my grandparents not to do that."
"I left the house when I was 17."
"I graduated early and got into a trade."
"My grandfather was in the union and he got me in."
"I've been at it for 17 years now and I'm doing okay."
"My parents are not."
"They ran themselves ragged taking in all those kids."
"Even the money they got wasn't enough to make up for their sacrifices."
"They asked me for help and I said no."
"I know that if I give them money they will just waste it on the kids they took in after I left."
"I told them that they had a plethora of foster kids that they could ask for money."
"My mom said she was disappointed in me and that she thought she had raised me better."
"I said I raised myself from about eight years old onward."
"My grandparents are tapped out too."
"My parents already owe them so much money."
"My wife says she understands how I feel but thinks I'm being mean."
"My mom thinks I am holding a grudge from childhood."
"I refuse to speak with my father."
"But I assume he is still giving my old things to the new kids."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Your parents ignored you and tried to take money from you."
"You are not 'holding a grudge from childhood.'"
"You are simply recognizing a pattern; that they never made you a priority."
"They were irresponsible in their financial planning by taking in so many kids."
"That's not your problem."
"Tell your wife I do not think you are being 'mean.'"
"You just don't want to be taken advantage of." ~ stroppo
"I think the problem is that calling it a 'grudge' ignores the fact that the parents put themselves in this position."
"It's not OP's responsibility to save their parents from making bad decisions or to save them from making future bad decisions."
"Sometimes a bad investment is just a bad investment, and the parents haven't proven that they can be responsible people."
"It sounds like OP is making the financially smart decision not to give money to people who overextend themselves time and time again."
"Bringing in terms like 'grudge' and 'mean' puts an emotional component to the decision, and all it does is add guilt when it isn't necessary." ~ numbersthen0987431
"Exactly! It is NOT holding a grudge."
"And it sounds like not only would any money given not be paid back, but it also would not solve the root cause because the parents aren't changing their behavior."
"And it is NOT mean to not want to throw money into a bottomless pit." ~ One_Ad_704
"Reading OP's post, I would tend to agree that it would qualify as both a rightful grudge and a bad investment."
"OP still sounds angry (rightfully so), and the parents haven't learned to budget accordingly."
"OP is definitely NTA and OP does appreciate the fact that these kids needed help."
"I agree that if the parents are still in debt and continue to spend outside of their budget, that is on them."
"They are not entitled to any handouts."
"From the post, it doesn't sound like a loan." ~ Melodic_Ranger926
"I came here to say this."
"A grudge is not a bad thing."
"It just means having a good memory of how other people's behavior impacted you."
"So, 'I will never forget how you treated me, now F off' is a legitimate response. NTA." ~ Organized_Khaos
"I think an honest conversation with the wife is in order."
"He already lost a large chunk of his childhood because his parents prioritized the foster kids."
"Now he is 'mean' for not sacrificing his adulthood, too?"
"A question I like to ask myself is 'to what end?'"
"It seems in this case that giving money to his parents does not provide any resolution."
"It wouldn't be a one-off event and then the parent's problems are solved."
"Just look at the grandparents - they tried helping monetarily, and now they had to turn that off because giving money does not solve the problem." ~ stumblios
"Friends of mine were active fosterers as their kids were growing up."
"Every time they got that call, they would have a family meeting to discuss if they should accept the kids."
"Any of their children could veto it."
"I think they did sometimes, but their children were partners in their fostering."
"One foster child became a permanent member of their family."
"Not adopted, because they had a loving parent, but they couldn't conquer their substance abuse."
"Tragically, that foster kid died in a random traffic collision, when she was living with her 'grandparents' in her twenties."
"I went to the funeral, and it was heartbreaking yet reassuring to see the kids mourning as if they had lost a sibling, which they had."
"I just wanted to share this, because it's an amazing family."
"They may have helped as many kids as the OP's parents."
"Or maybe more, because they modeled a healthy family dynamic."
"OP's parents may have provided food and shelter, but they should have fostered children a different way to damage children from what they experienced at home." ~ kimba-the-tabby-lion
"NTA. It isn't your job to support them."
"There are limits and they'll have to realize that."
"If they can't afford to take in so many kids, and the payments for the foster kids do not make up the difference, then they will simply have to take in fewer."
"That's fine."
"It isn't great for the kids for them to massively overextend themselves anyways." ~ Pandaora
"I can absolutely see what kind of negative feelings this would cause."
"'Why am I not good enough to get things that are just for me?'"
"Your parents chose to take on the added burden of the foster children."
"You did not."
"You are not obligated to provide money to care for them. NTA." ~ mdthomas
"NTA. You don't owe your parents anything."
"If anything, they owe you an apology and a childhood."
"Because before they took in any kids, they should've been taking care of the one that they already had instead of shoving you to the side like that."
"There's no nobility in that, just selfishness." ~ Old_Inevitable8553
"NTA of course, but please talk to your wife about her response and clear this up."
"Perhaps she is wrongly projecting and is worried that this could be a family pattern of parents/kids not having a good relationship, and thus is worried about her future."
"Point out that you and her don't plan to ignore any kids you may have or make them raise themselves starting at age 8 (right)?" ~ DCNumberNerd
"People from functional families often do not understand that the same rules do not apply to dysfunctional ones."
"It's unfortunate but hopefully OP's wife can work to understand where OP is coming from."
"His parents sound like they get more satisfaction from being seen to be foster parents than actually being good parents."
"They shouldn't be taking on kids they cannot afford to support."
"Really unfortunate but not OP's problem to solve. NTA." ~ jediping
"NTA. They made choices and those choices were hurtful to you."
"You do not owe them anything."
"I am sorry your wife is not on your side."
"Maybe a sit-down chat about the abandonment you felt growing up and the resulting trauma it has left on you."
"Your parents have to live with the choices they made, I am sorry they sponged off of their parents and put them behind."
"They sound very selfish even if they were trying to be helpful, you got the short end of the stick." ~ SliceEquivalent825
"NTA... it's kind of your parents to take in foster children, but they did it at the expense of their own kid and their own family."
"If they cannot afford to continue doing so, the solution is not to borrow money from you or their parents, but to stop fostering, at least until they get their situation under control." ~ Jerseygirl2468
"NTA. Hold your boundaries."
"The comment from your wife is interesting."
"Unless she's grown up in a similar dynamic, then she has no idea how you feel or the impact it's had on your life, and it's a pretty arrogant move to judge you."
"Maybe she needs to stop and think for a minute that the sensible thing to do here would be to listen to you, acknowledge that she has zero experience of growing up in your family dynamic and that she should probably respect your wishes on how you'd like to deal with this." ~ REDDIT
"NTA... If you're holding a grudge, you're entitled to."
"Your parents still don't see how their choices affected you."
"You're as disappointed in them as they are in you, the only difference being you're not acting entitled to their money." ~ RoyallyOakie
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
You are entitled to your feelings.
It's not your responsibility to carry your parents financially.
It may be time for some therapy.
Unresolved trauma can follow people for a lifetime.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp