Friendships that are intertwined with other’s intimate relationships can make for a chaotic situation.
It is always best to lay down boundaries.
And to be honest and clear.
But what if one partner is not seeing a problem where there seems to be one?
Case in point…
Redditor floridadreaminonsuch wanted to discuss his story for some feedback. So naturally he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“WIBTA if I go on a friend’s birthday getaway even if my girlfriend isn’t invited?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“So Jess was my girlfriend’s friend first, and they’ve known each other a lot longer than I’ve known Jess, which is why my girlfriend is upset.”
“However in the 2 years my girlfriend and I have been together, Jess and I have also become pretty great friends.”
“We play video games together basically daily and usually hang out IRL together or with a group like 3-5 times a month.”
“So for Jess’ birthday she only wanted to bring along a small group of her closest friends.”
“And it’s gonna be a 4 day vacation at her parent’s summer home.”
“The plan is to do a ton of fun stuff: Disney, snorkeling, boat rides, etc.”
“She invited her brother, me, and 3 girls from her and my girlfriend’s friend group.”
“I was kinda surprised that she considered me to be one of her closest friends.”
“But I guess it sorta makes sense when you consider that we technically spend a ton of time together just shooting the s**t if you count just idling in discord calls while playing video games.”
“My girlfriend has felt pretty snubbed about not getting invited, especially since I was.”
“I know that you’re supposed to listen with empathy, validate your partner’s feelings, and do all that good stuff, so I did.”
“I said it was completely reasonable to feel hurt that you were being excluded.”
“However she thinks it’s ‘obvious’ that I can’t go to ‘her own friend’s birthday without her,’ and I don’t think that’s reasonable at all.”
“I feel like her friendship with Jess and my friendship with Jess are separate things.”
“And I’m just going to one of my friend’s birthdays that she’s not invited to, which is reasonable.”
“We’ve been arguing about this for a while now without making progress.”
“And I really think I should be able to go and that I’d be missing out on a very fun time if I didn’t.”
“WIBTA if I went?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared our OP would be the A**hole, but for reasons he may not see.
It’s a tricky situation.
Let’s hear some thoughts…
“I could obviously be wrong but it sounds like Jess might think of you more than just a friend and is using this to see where you stand.”
“So you need to think about what matters more to you, your gf or Jess.”
“YTA. Big time.” ~ Twilly93
“Jess’ motives are crystal clear.”
“What is not clear is why OP is allowing her to break up his relationship.”
“I think OP likes the attention and is wilfully walking down the road to cheat and break up, nobody is this oblivious and hard of understanding.”
“It is like OP has some sort of affliction that prevents him from putting himself in other people’s shoes.”
“And the same situation where his girlfriend left him at home and went to hang with a guy that likes her.”
“I bet OP wouldn’t like that scenario one bit. But that’s different of course because… uh… girls.” ~ Academic_Snow_7680
“I am actually close to that oblivious, I wouldn’t pick up the cues at all.”
“But I’ve also had someone feel like they had to ask if I needed a written invitation to kiss her so.”
“I’m pretty sure I’m a dunce when it comes to reading someone’s interest in me.”
“That said, I would still think it was strange that the girl had invited me and not the girlfriend we met through and feel strange about going as a result.”
“I just wouldn’t read the reason for that as ‘she’s interested in me.'” ~ hnsnrachel
“I’d pick up on it NOW, in my 40s.”
“In my 20s I would have been completely oblivious.”
“And I had arguments with several girlfriends when I insisted ‘we’re just friends!'”
“And the gf was convinced that the friend was interested in me.”
“Every single time, my gf turned out to be right…”
“Your post hits the nail on the head.”
“Someone CAN be oblivious.”
“But be honest, it’s still weird to not invite your gf when they knew each other first even if she weren’t interested!”
“And that’s what makes OP TA – this girl is being rude to his girlfriend and he’s just ‘well I’m going anyway!'” ~ Local_Initiative8523
“OP was also dancing around answering the question of how much time they spends with Jess vs gf in the week.”
“At the end they said 10-18 hours vs 2-4 dates. With lots of excuses.”
“It is really shady.”
“If the whole internet screams ‘no,’ your gf just doesn’t want you to go and the behavior of the ‘friend’ is just shady – you don’t go!”
“Except you want exactly that something happens between you and Jess.”
“Or it already is happening? YTA.” ~ EvilFinch
“Jess is 100% making a play for OP.”
“OP 100% will be YTA if he goes.”
“He also should accept that he’ll be coming home to no longer having a gf if he chooses to go anyway.” ~ Ancient_Potential285
“Based off this guys thread, he’s either really too dense to realize how freaking dumb he is; or he is really that clueless.”
“Huge YTA. I don’t get why you think this is a good idea.”
“‘I value my relationship more than this trip I GUESS!'” is literally one of your comments on your other post.”
“God, your friends are AHS, you’re an AH. “
“Jess has solid reason to be mad. Hopefully your behavior is opening her eyes a bit.”
“Oh, and for another comment you posted…”
“PLAYING GAMES WITH YOUR FRIEND IS SPENDING TIME WITH THAT PERSON, WHETHER IT’S IN PERSON OR NOT!!!”
“God, for fu**ks sake. I’m a male and ‘men’ like you piss me off about how much of a bad name you give us.” ~ overthink2020er
“YWBTA if you go.”
“This is crossing a major line.”
“Jess invited her brother, 3 female friends and you.”
“She wants more than friendship and you know.”
“So, if you want a new girlfriend – go. If you want to keep the one you have – stay.”
“Jess knows what she is doing.”
“And unless you are stupid so do you.”
“You sound immature and selfish.” ~ Momofthewild-3
“Agreed. This is a major snub to the girlfriend.”
“I wouldn’t dream of inviting one part of a couple and excluding the other if I considered them both to be my friend.”
“Also, I wouldn’t have very much fun on a 4 day trip without my partner.”
“Especially knowing that they are sitting at home knowing I’m with a mutual friend of the opposite sex that I have become very close to.” ~ educatedvegetable
“This. I would never only invite one half of a couple.”
“Or rather, if I’m inviting one, I kind of assume that I’m expecting them both to show up.”
“Established couples work as a unit for this kind of thing.” ~ NASA_official_srsly
“Yeah, I’d love to hear Jess explain why exactly the girlfriend couldn’t come along.”
“If she wanted a small group, the difference between 6 and 7 people is pretty negligible.”
“Sleeping accommodations shouldn’t even be an issue since the couple would be able to share.”
“The only plausible innocent reason I could see is if they were limited to 3 beds/bedrooms and she needed a male friend to bunk with the brother.”
“But even then, one of the other mutual friends should have gotten bumped for the girlfriend to attend.”
“Odds are, Jess wants OP, and is willing to be a crappy friend to get what she wants.”
“And if the mutual friends know he’s invited without his girlfriend and are okay with it, they’re crappy friends too.” ~ onefishtwofish1992
“YES! I hadn’t thought of this layer!”
“Clearly OP is an AH already for wanting to go so much he’s jumping through so many logical hoops to justify it.”
“But he’s also an AH if he could even enjoy this trip.”
“It would ruin a vacation for me if i knew my partner had been betrayed by two people for me to be there.”
“I couldn’t enjoy myself knowing how they must be (justifiably) feeling and knowing it was because of me, and the “friend” i was with.”
“I think the same could be said of any partner who cares about and respects the feeling/needs of their partner. “
“Which, apparently, is not the OP.” ~ helpmewhyamistillup
“YTA. Jess knows exactly what she is doing and you are the biggest idiot.”
“YOU DON’T split up a couple and invite singles.”
“Seriously you don’t deserve your gf if u are this stupid.” ~ Chasingfire80
Well OP, hope you’re listening.
Because Reddit and Jess sound pretty crystal clear.
Now you’re going to do what you want to do, but think long and hard.
Actions have consequences.