Some people’s instincts might be to run away from their problems. But, the truth is problems tend to follow you wherever you go.
So, figuring out what they are is a better way to solve them than just packing up your bags and moving.
Redditor malzig81 encountered this very issue with his wife. So he turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
“AITA for telling my wife she needs to grow up?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“We’ve been married for almost 10 years, love each other very much. We are currently living in the 3rd city since we got married.”
“First city was fine for 3 years, then she started to complain about her job, quality of life, how expensive it was. So after a few months of planning we moved to a smaller town, I found another job, she was happy, everything was great.”
“5 years later she started saying she missed her family a lot, and that she wanted to be closer to them. She got really sad, almost depressed, so we moved again, to be close to her family.”
“Now we’re close to her family, I started a new career again, she’s super happy, until last month when she got her first job here, and she said the boss is an idiot, that she can’t work there, and also said that maybe it was a mistake moving close to her family, because her mom is now too involved in our lives.”
OP couldn’t handle it.
“I lost it, I told her she needs to suck it up, that I moved twice because of her and that I had horrible bosses but I had to keep going because we need to make money.”
“I told her she needs to grow up and stop being a little kid.”
“Needless to say that started a huge fight that is far from over.”
“She said that I hurt her more than I can imagine, and I told her that she needed to hear that, and that I’m tired of doing everything for her all the time, that now she needs to be on my side.”
“Am I the a**hole?”
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
“NTA and I genuinely think she needs therapy. Moving doesn’t mean you leave your problems behind. You just pack up and move them with the rest of your stuff.” ~ Thia-M3762
“And happiness isn’t a destination, it’s something that you take with you.” ~ CommercialExotic2038
“Yeah, nope. You can be unhappy in one location and happy in another. It isn’t all an internal thing.”
“I hope someone feeling down on themselves sees this and realizes there is such a thing as ideal and not ideal locations. Happiness is not only internal, it is external as well.” ~ emmakobs
“I don’t think anyone is saying it’s black and white one or the other. However, this is the 3rd time OPs wife is wanting to disrupt their lives in order to be happier. At that point, when the behavior has become pattern, wouldn’t you think there is a larger internal issue at play here?” ~ Nearby_Employee_2943
“Brilliant. A change of scenery won’t change the nature of a person. You’re just the same miserable asshole in a different zip code.” ~ legal_bagel
OP needs to find the underlying reason for all these moves.
“I discovered a decade ago that moving–whether to a new city/job/country/relationship–is like being against a green screen, with all your strengths and weaknesses brought to the forefront.”
“Only the background changes.” ~ travel_nerdiness
“Also… you can get a different job without moving.” ~ ha_look_at_that_nerd
“Came to find this comment! What kind of places are they living for there to be only 1 job option?”
“Also, how close are the family, because my parents and my in-laws live within 2 miles of me and are not overbearingly involved in our lives/relationship. They also never have to stay at my house (or me and theirs) for prolonged visits.” ~ Biccie81
“I agree that NTA for sure. But sometimes moving can help. It’s not a guarantee or anything so solid. But there are times when being in a new environment can really make a big difference.”
“That said, if you try ‘big city’, ‘small town’, and ‘near the parents’ and you’re still not happy with your living situation, I don’t know what fourth place you could go to that would make a difference.” ~ peldari
People shared their own experiences.
“Exactly, my mom was this way and my dad never stopped it so every two or so years she had to change something major in our lives and it was usually a move. The longest I was ever at one school was 2.5 years and I switched high schools 4 times and that was in 3 different states.”
“It created some weird habits and social issues but it never solved our family happiness.”
“Please OP get her to therapy because that’s what she needs.”
“NTA” ~ jesterfool42
“Yep therapy and maybe some sort of hobby/club/class/organization that brings her happiness. Having something she enjoys connected with the place might encourage her to stay and help her feel she belongs.”
“I know finding an enjoyable hobby that I work on each day with short and long term goals has really helped me recently.” ~ Pokabrows
“This reminds me of my friend who was so set on moving because she thought the city we lived in was dragging her down. When she moved she got downright NASTY. Yeah, moving doesn’t mean your problems go away. If anything it seems like she is less happy now than she was here.” ~ Abbadee
“ESH. She needs to figure out what she needs. And you should have talked to her before you blew up after your second move. Like ‘hey I know you’re unhappy. But I don’t want to keep moving. Let’s think about it more.'” ~ DrearyBiscuit
“Exactly, speaking to your partner that way is not cool. She needs to set boundaries with her family and learn to deal with problems instead of running away from them, but telling her to “grow up” isn’t going to help. ESH.” ~ maafna
Talking to your spouse before snapping can go a long way.