Chores aren’t always easy to split fairly.
Siblings cause tantrums over who does what.
Roommates have come to blows over who is doing too little.
And romantic relationships have tanked over who is lazier when it comes to home health.
Redditor NoIllustrator4064 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
“AITA for calling my partner a d**k and refusing to clean to her crazy high standards?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My partner and I have been together for 3 years.”
“We have had a few run-ins about the cleaning.”
“I’d say I am a clean and tidy guy, but don’t get fussed about the odd thing lying around.”
“My partner is extremely clean, and anything lying around, she says, causes her brain to stay active.”
“For example, kitchen spray on the kitchen side or some washing up on the kitchen side.”
“We devised a rota where our jobs are completely separate to try and avoid further issues.”
“My jobs are…”
” -Feed the cats (3 of them and all with different needs).”
” -Manage and pay all bills (we separate 50/50).”
” -Clean the cat litters (2 of them).”
” -Wash up.”
” -Hoover.”
” -Empty Bins / Put bin out on bin day.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So… AITA?
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP WAS the A**hole.
“YTA for thinking that’s half of the housework.”
“No way is vacuuming, washing up, bills, and cats half of keeping a house clean.”
“You do understand that she is then covering all of the kitchen cleaning, all of the tidying up, all of the dusting, cleaning the showers, cleaning the toilets, making the bed, folding the laundry, cleaning all of the windows and mirrors, and cleaning all of the appliances (fridge, microwave, oven).”
“Plus, YOU ADMIT that you had not done your job of vacuuming, and then acted surprised that she was upset at you for not doing your job.” ~ Toasted_Lizard
“Agree, YTA.”
“I live with someone who is more tidy than me.”
“For him to feel happy and enjoy being home, it has to be clean to his level.”
“He would be stressed and feel uncomfortable. “
“I live under his standard of cleanness.”
“Why, cuz I am not uncomfortable when it’s that clean, but he would suffer if we lived on the standard my bar is.”
“I am a clean person, don’t get me wrong, but he can’t stand a full sink of dishes.”
“Mine is not far off from his, but I do the extra cuz I care for my partner.” ~ EarlyElderberry7215
“This! My wife needs things a lot tidier than I do.”
“There are certain compromises that we’ve come to (certain spaces I can keep in my preferred chaos), but yeah, I do the bits of the housework we agreed that I take on and to the agreed standard because that’s how I show my partner I love and respect them.” ~ _kits_
“Yep, OP YTA.”
“I don’t get why it’s a big deal to learn new life skills and up your cleaning game.”
“Seems like a pretty low effort thing to make your partner happy.”
“Putting things away when you are done with them makes sense, right?”
“Maintaining cleanliness so things don’t get out of control is a really good skill to have.”
“It’s not ‘perfectionist’ or ‘absurd.'”
“Also, OP, she isn’t mad at you for leaving the cleaner out on the table; she is mad at you for making more work for her.”
“What if she decided to dump a whole box of Cheerios on the floor before you vacuumed?”
“Adults put their stuff away and consider other people’s feelings and comfort levels without mocking them.”
“I laughed so hard when he said that he does over half the housework.”
“Such a load of bull.” ~ fringeandglittery
“It’s not a ‘disconnect in their standards.'”
“It’s that he doesn’t realize that she’s subsidizing his standards.”
“I am 100% sure that when OP says he’s a ‘clean guy,’ his standards for that include not having a ton of trash lying around the house, not having a s**t encrusted toilet or a toothpaste encrusted sink, having a floor that’s clear enough for him to vacuum, not raising huge clouds of dust when he moves, having a house that doesn’t smell bad, etc. etc. etc.”
“Those aren’t her standards.”
“They’re his standards, too.”
“He would also be upset if the house had those problems.”
“He just has the luxury of saying that he doesn’t care about that kind of cleaning because he’s never seen what the house would look like if she stopped doing it.”
“She’s been doing it for so long that he’s forgotten that an actual human being has to actively work to keep the house from becoming filthy. “
“He thinks the house just comes that way.”
“If he had to live without it, he would care, too.” ~ PurpleWeasel
“I actually gasped.”
“That’s quite literally the amount of chores you would give a 10-year-old who is just starting to be taught the responsibility of taking care of the place where you live.”
“A freaking 10-year-old.”
“And this guy thinks it’s literally half of the amount of work it takes to keep a place clean and tidy?!” ~ ranchojasper
“You sit on your a**, read through some bills, maybe do some calculations on your phone, and punch a few clicks on your computer/phone, and you’re done.”
“Oh, and he’s paying 50% so the G[irl]F[riend] needs to do the exact same work on her account.”
“It all takes like 15 minutes at most.”
“That’s the most I can come up with unless OP lives in the 1950s and goes to the post office or bank to pay his bills LOL.”
“But he’s doing more than half of the work 🤣.” ~ DianeJudith
“YTA for sure, and I noticed that he mentioned managing and paying all the bills as if it were a/his chore and not just life, but then put the fact that this is split between them in parentheses.”
“Just shows he not only thinks simply paying his half is doing literally everything.” ~ z3m
“I’m struggling to understand how your list is more than 50% of the tasks.”
“Seems like maybe 10% of the tasks to me.”
“Also, YTA for the way you spoke to your partner.” ~ JadieBugXD
“YTA. Seriously, you think that list is more than 50% of the chores!”
“Who cleans the kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, living room, changes the beds, washes, shopping, cooks, and irons?” ~ REDDIT
“Other than the bills, you have the exact same chore list as my not-very-responsible 14-year-old kid.”
“Both my husband and I do a lot more than him, so she must not put a lot of hope in your cleaning abilities. YTA.” ~ PrintBetter9672
“This needs to be so much higher.” ~ lucyfell
“Yeah, same here, except for me, he has the same chore list as the chores split by a 6-year-old and a 9-year-old.”
“They don’t pay the bills, but everything else is their responsibility.”
“Like, if my 9-year-old can handle loading the dishwasher every day and taking out the trash, and my 6-year-old can handle feeding the cats and scooping the litter boxes, and helping put the clean laundry away, I’m pretty sure this grown man can handle it.” ~ MxKittyFantastico
“Personally, I think YTA, and I will list what I’m thinking, and maybe it’ll help you see from another perspective.”
“Kitchen is her job, does this include: -wiping the counters -Dishes – sweeping/mopping (since you say you didn’t bother hoovering the kitchen, I assume you only do that in the living room?)”
“I assume that means the bathroom maintenance is all on her, too?”
“That’s like half the house there.”
“I assume she does the laundry as well, since you don’t list it in your own list.”
“You say you manage the bills, I’m guessing that means she’s doing the grocery shopping?”
“That right there is a BIG mental catalog to remember.”
“I feel like just listing those bits we’re already showing she’s doing more on a DAILY basis.”
“Yes, you feed the cats every day, guess what, I do too, and it takes 1 min max.”
“Yes, you do the literboxes (I hope) every day, that also takes a max 5 mins if you actually keep up with it.”
“You take the trash out. 5 mins.”
“You’re comparing your 15 minutes of work to roughly 2+ hours of work on her end.”
“You had a whole off day.”
“24 hours or more at home, you couldn’t take a few out of your day to take that mental load off her and do a few menial tasks?”
“You couldn’t even bother to put the toilet paper roll on the spool?”
“Are you 5?”
“She sounds like she’s taking on 90% of the housework, and you’re upset she’s not grateful you do something sometimes?”
“It would probably be easier for her to not have you there and only clean after herself than the two of you.”
‘You should be trying to make it where you both have the same downtime, and the goal is to finish all tasks together and relax together, not make sure you’re doing the bare minimum that might make her not nag you.” ~ immadriftersbody
“I’ll add to that.”
“It sounds like she needs OP to take off some mental load.”
“Like, look around, see things out of place, and do them.”
“Make things hotel pretty.”
“Which basically means empty surfaces, tidy beds and couches, and things in their own places, not randomly lying around, clean floors.” ~ hardly_ethereal
“I find it telling that you didn’t include her duties in your post.”
“It just reeks of your taking a one-sided perspective on this and not recognizing what she does.” ~ Independent_Prior612
“YTA, that list of chores is no way 50% plus they are the easiest jobs.”
“Love how you specify that all 3 cats eat different meals like that’s somehow so much more work for you having to open 3 tins.” ~ NuisancePenguin44
Reddit has issues with your behavior, OP.
It may be time to have a calm conversation and listen to what your partner has to say.
Chore lists are aggravating but necessary.
It’s time to step up and help.
Good Luck.