Working from home is still work.
This thought can be a lot for some people to grasp.
Work-from-home people often voice their irritation when others don't take their positions seriously.
Just because someone isn't in an office or a brick-and-mortar business doesn't mean there isn't stress and deadlines.
Work is work, no matter the location.
Redditor Tiberius_Jim wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for telling my wife I can't always stop work to do things for her?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I've worked from home since 2020, when the COVID lockdowns closed my office, and my employer subsequently realized we could easily do our jobs from home without needing an office at all."
"It works out very well because it allows me to take my kids to school in the morning, come home and start work, and then pick them up on my lunch break."
"My wife works at an office, but her workday starts about an hour after mine."
"A typical day looks like this: I get up at 6:30 am and get the kids ready for school."
"I take them to school at 7:30 am."
"I get home around 8:00, make some coffee, and then start my work day at 8:30 am."
"During this time, my wife is still asleep. We typically go to bed around the same time every night."
"Most of the time, I also use that time between 8 and 8:30 to prepare lunch for my wife."
"Sometimes either she or I has packed something the night before, but if it's something like a sandwich, then I'll make it fresh right before she leaves."
"However, I can't always do this."
"Today, I dropped my kids off at school when one of them noticed they forgot their lunch bag."
"We live fairly close, so I could go home, grab the lunch bag, and bring it to the school for her."
"This, however, had me getting home at almost exactly 8:30."
'I had made my wife well aware that this week is going to be hectic and I will be swamped with work all week, so this shouldn't have come as a surprise."
"But my wife, as she typically does, didn't get out of bed until just a few minutes before she had to leave, giving her just enough time to get dressed, do her hair, put on makeup, and head out the door."
"She has a history of having problems with punctuality and has for as long as I've known her."
"She asked me to put her lunch together because she didn't have time, but I reminded her that I was swamped and literally couldn't spare a minute, much less the several minutes it would take to go do that."
"My job is very deadline-based, so there are times I need to be working on a certain task by a certain time, and it needs to be done."
"If I don't do my job, many other people can't do theirs, and it would hold up our whole process."
"I hold a senior position with 10 years at my company, so it's unlikely I'd be fired if I missed a single deadline, but it's not something I want to do if I can help it."
"I can be frustrating when she acts like I can always just drop what I'm doing."
"As she left, she said, 'I don't know why you care so much about this company you work for; you should care more about your family,' and then walked out the door."
"I feel like that's unfair because I believe I have an excellent track record when it comes to caring about my family."
"I've often thought about asking her to be the one to get up and take the kids while *I* sleep sometimes, but I never do because in the end I am glad she's able to get extra sleep before she heads to a job where she's on her feet all day."
"Yet somehow she thinks IATA for making work a priority in this rare situation."
"Is she right?"
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Most Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. You sound like a great partner and parent."
"I think your wife is being unreasonable; she knows she's being unreasonable, and is projecting that on you."
"I think you two should have a conversation and let her know how unfair that was of her to say and how it made you feel, and things like that are not ok." ~ your-mom04605
"NTA. She doesn't want to blame herself for her lateness, so you're the ready target." ~ ScarletNotThatOne
"Uggghhh. I stay in bed and scroll on my phone."
"100%, my problem, my f**kup when I take too long and have to rush."
"But it's my responsibility to manage, and I have."
"I have 6 prepackaged lunches at work right now.'
"Canned soup, ramen, a chow mein microwave meal."
"Not really super healthy stuff, but it's food."
"If I don't make myself lunch the night before, I have an option."
"I also work near multiple food options, though obviously I prefer not to spend needlessly."
"NTA bro. I'm sorry she can't take accountability for herself." ~ Paladin_Tyrael
"Your wife sounds lazy AF."
"She doesn't have time blindness."
"She just wants to scroll social media while you do actual parenting and then blame you for her laziness."
"Sounds like an awful mom, too."
"Your kids will always remember you and the morning routine, and they will always remember that mom was asleep or scrolling IG."
"So sad."
"Don't let her blame anyone but herself." ~ Small_Programmer3320
"I'd put making her lunch on her the night before."
"Her comment was pretty crappy."
"You sound pretty wonderful, but one thing doesn't go her way, and she hits you below the belt." NTA." ~ mca2021
"I felt the same NTA."
"You and your flexible job are doing A LOT of the heavy lifting here."
"She only has to get herself ready, and you have the burden of kids and drop off?!?!"
"And she has the cheek to throw you a nasty comment after you had to do an additional lunch drop off AND you informed her?"
"Your household workload seems wildly uneven!" ~ scoops_noodle
"NTA. Your wife is out of line."
"Lol, 'caring about your family' does not include indulging your wife in packing her lunch, especially since you do it for her when you can."
"You also gave her a heads up that you can't."
"She is a grown woman who can wake up earlier so she can make her own food or buy lunch."
"Per OP, his wife was awake but spent 30 minutes in bed on her cell."
"Yeah. No, OP, you're good."
"She can't even take 5 minutes out of her scrolling time to make herself lunch and has the audacity to say you don't care."
"She obviously doesn't care much about it either, or she would've just made it herself." ~ Theia222
"NTA. Your AM routine revolves around your family and prepping for work."
"Moreover, you kindly provided advance notice about an especially busy day."
"Sit down and have a rational conversation."
"She owes you that." ~ yogginggirl
"NTA, she needs to grow up." ~ A**prinkler
"NTA-you don't have to make lunch for her, it is a kindness and shouldn't be expected."
"She is a grown adult and capable of making her own lunch if she would just get her a** out of bed."
"I also struggle with punctuality.'
"I would never expect my partner to miss something at work to make my lunch just because I can never seem to be on time." ~ Impressive_Moment786
"NTA. Seems like you are doing more than your fair share of making sure things run smoothly."
"She has it pretty easy."
"I'll be honest, when my husband was 100% remote and I got into a habit of asking him to do things since 'he was home,' but there were times when he was straight with me and said, 'if I have time, I'll do it.'"
"No Big Deal!"
"It eventually led to a conversation where he felt that I was relying on him too much because he was remote, and I apologized and backed off and tried to prepare and plan better for some of the things."
"I think it's time you have that conversation." ~ Downtherabbithole14
"NTA. She's gotten used to you playing multiple key roles in getting the family ready to go in the morning, and is taking your hard work for granted."
"My wife and I (we're both women) sometimes joke that we'd each be really great housewives, but neither of us makes housewife money."
"Does she make househusband money?"
"Doesn't sound like it, so she'd better appreciate what you can do and figure out how to contribute more."
"Or you know, go out for lunch at work one time." ~ loseit_throwit
"NTA. It sounds like you do quite a bit for your family."
"Unless you have a habit of missing things like games or school productions, I don't really see how she can justify saying that about you."
"Since you say this sort of hecticness is just a once-in-a-while thing, it really isn't too much of an ask for her to prep her own lunch, either before bed or wake up a few minutes early and do it."
"Especially since you're up at 6:30 getting the kids ready and getting them to school."
"Honestly, it would probably be a nice gesture if she also got yours ready since she knows you're so busy, but that might be asking too much." ~ Putrid_Performer2509
"NTA. You get up every day at 6:30 and get your kids off to school."
"If you slip up on that, there are actual real implications."
"I think she could handle getting a sandwich ready for herself for a single day."
"Let's be for real." ~ megacope
Reddit feels your frustration, OP.
You were busy.
Your wife is very capable of making her own lunch.
You gave her a heads-up that this particular week would be rough.
You do what you have to do.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp