When someone dear to us suffers a loss, we want to be there for them, and make ourselves as readily available for them as possible.
Of course, no one has complete control over their lives, and sometimes those we love need us during a time that simply isn’t convenient.
When grieving, however, not everyone’s judgment or self-awareness is completely sound.
The mother-in-law (MIL) of Redditor yakee-in-the-south was in a state of grieving.
As a result, the original poster (OP)’s husband came up with a system to check in on her well-being.
Unfortunately, this system had something of a reverse effect on the OP’s well-being, resulting in them begging their husband to change this system.
Wondering if they were out of line, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for not wanting my MIL to not text my husband every morning when she wakes up?”
The OP explained why their MIL’s grieving process was negatively impacting the OP’s sleep:
“I have never had an issue with my MIL until the past few years.”
“It started two years ago after she never offered me ANY condolences after my father passed away.”
“My parents actually lived two doors down from my in laws, a transition that took place several years ago when both sides relocated due to getting older and wanting to be close by my husband and me.”
“I am not exaggerating when I say she offered zero words of sympathy, despite being friends with my parents and spending much time with them.”
“He died on her birthday, which meant we obviously didn’t celebrate her day as intended, then two days later she insisted we go to her house for cake, and even then she said nothing to me and offered no condolences, no hug, not even a ‘how are you doing?’”
“So admittedly I do have a bone of contention with her.”
“Fast forward to this June and my FIL passed away after a gradual progression of dementia.”
“Since then she has been texting my husband every morning to let him know she is ‘OK’ – he says he told her to do this.”
“Times have ranged from 0430, 0530, 0630…every day of the week.”
“The texts wake me up and most of the time I can’t go back to sleep, especially if it is 0500 or later.”
“The kicker is my husband doesn’t wake up, just me…he just keeps snoring away un-phased.”
“I have asked him to consider texting her when HE wakes up instead, since he doesn’t even seem to know when she texts him.”
“I have asked him to turn his phone on do not disturb, or even reduced distractions, but he can’t because of his job he has to be available if needed (though rarely) in the middle of the night (he has a hospice job).”
“If he isn’t waking up when she texts him, I don’t get the point of her texting him at these hours.”
“During the week I can tolerate it, as I am up by 0615, but on the weekends I would enjoy sleeping in a bit…even if just until 0700, but the MIL alarm keeps on ringing.”
“I have even tried ear plugs, but I really hate sleeping with ear plugs, one always falls out – and honestly, why should I be forced to sleep like this when a simple solution would be for him to just call or text her when he wakes instead?”
“He is refusing to budge on this at all and gets annoyed when I even suggest he call her in the morning instead.”
“AITA for not wanting to be woken up every morning by my MIL who is not actively having an emergency?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community firmly took the OP’s side, agreeing they were not the a**hole for wanting their MIL to stop texting their husband in the early hours of the morning.
Everyone agreed that there were multiple solutions to this problem, which the OP’s husband seemed to deliberately choose to ignore:
“NTA.”
“But her texting isn’t the issue here.”
“Your husband is the issue for refusing to sort out the noise HIS phone makes.”
“It’s so easy to set text messages to silent.”
“He could still then hear a phone call in an emergency.”- happybanana134
“NTA.”
“Time to buy crash cymbals:”
“I’m awake = We’re awake.”- Maximumi-Awkward
“Your husband can 100% shut this down but for some reason is choosing not to.”
“All he needs to say is, ‘Mom, I love the morning text but would appreciate it if you could not text before (whatever time the two of you decide) because it wakes me up and then I can’t fall back asleep’.”
“‘The lack of sleep is really starting to catch up with me at work’.”
“I guarantee if he did that she’d stop the early texts.”
“NTA though I think for your own mental health you need to let her bad manners when your dad passed go.”- celticmusebooks
“NTA.”
“But this can be solved very quickly and easily.”
“Either turn off the ringer or set to do not disturb during sleeping hours.”
“If necessary, you can set certain numbers to ‘break through’ the do not disturb (I have my spouse, sibling, parents and in-laws for emergency and it’s for phone calls and not texts).”- planning-life
“NTA.”
“He can set a single contact to do not disturb, each evening.”
“Then take it off in the morning.”
“Like when he brushes his teeth.”
“He’s being selfish about this.”
“There’s a fix, if he were motivated to find it.”- ChaoticCrashy
“NTA, pre-set ‘do not disturb’ or ‘sleep’ hours from 4am to 7am, with selected work numbers as favorites able to go past the ‘do not disturb’ setting.”
“If your husband is not willing to do this simple, 2min solution, then you have a husband problem.”- Bored_Quebecoise
“NTA.”
“If he wants to share room?”
“He either mutes her number for the nights, or get a separate phone for work and one for family.”
“Sleep deprivation is devastating for your health long term.”- MistressLyda
“NTA.”
“But you have a husband problem.”
“I mean what partner is okay with a text waking up his wife every morning?”
“One that could wait and that he doesn’t even read till he wakes up?”
“He’s TA.”- apathetichearts
“NTA.”
“I would make him silent notifications from his text thread with mom.”
“I’m not sure if Android phones can, but on iPhone you click the text thread, then click the name at the top and toggle on ‘Hide Alerts’.”
“Although sounds like he might be weird about that too?”- No_Sandwich5643
“NTA.”
“Though your problem is actually with your husband.”
“Your MIL is likely up that early and if anything like my grandma doesn’t think it’s early!”
“The problem is that your husband is being unnecessarily obstructive about the solution.”
“He could mute the text noise for her, only overnight, ask her to text later.”
“Instead, he’s being an a**hole because it no way affects him.”
“I’d start waking him up ‘by accident’ so that he understands what you’re talking about given that you’ve tried asking nicely.”
“Your MIL is an insensitive witch just to be clear, but your rage is misdirected in this instance.”-o2low
“NTA.”
“Your husband is, though.”- SensitiveDrink5721
“NTA.”
“Is your husband inconsiderate in other ways?”
“This would be really simple to fix if he would just speak to her about it.”- Icy-Arrival2651
“Let’s remove the entire backstory that justifies your feelings.”
“Adding that your feelings about her are completely justified.”
“Your husband won’t silence his phone when he knows his mother is going to text early in the morning.”
“He also doesn’t hear his mom’s text tone.”
“So then ask him why he leaves it audible.”
“For his job, he can leave that phone number on bypass, so he will get notifications on that regardless.”
“Your husband is not being a good partner to you.”
“He is being selfish and self serving.”
“You are NTA, but your husband is being TAish.”- FinanciallySecure9
“NTA.”
“Your frustration makes sense.”
“Your MIL is not wrong for wanting reassurance and contact after losing her husband, but the way it is being handled is unfair to you.”
“The texts are not serving their stated purpose anyway, since your husband does not even wake up when she sends them.”
“Instead, you are the one losing sleep while he remains unaffected.”
“You suggested a reasonable compromise: he could reach out to her once he is awake.”
“That way she still gets her check-in and you are not waking up at 5 in the morning to notifications meant for him.”
“His refusal to even consider alternatives shifts the burden entirely onto you, which is not fair.”
“You are not asking him to cut off contact or ignore his mother.”
“You are asking for boundaries that let you sleep without disruption.”
“Wanting to protect your rest and peace of mind does not make you an a**hole.”
“This is ultimately a problem between your husband and his mother.”
“If he wants daily contact with her, it should be on terms that do not cause you to suffer for it.”-Direct-Presence9693
One can understand why the OP’s husband would want to keep a close eye on his mother in her state of grief.
Particularly as he is likely grieving, too.
That being said, everyone deserves an uninterrupted night’s sleep.
In fact, sleeping in a bit later might even help the OP’s MIL with her grief.