When someone dear to us suffers a loss, we want to be there for them, and make ourselves as readily available for them as possible.
Of course, no one has complete control over their lives, and sometimes those we love need us during a time that simply isn't convenient.
When grieving, however, not everyone's judgment or self-awareness is completely sound.
The mother-in-law (MIL) of Redditor yakee-in-the-south was in a state of grieving.
As a result, the original poster (OP)'s husband came up with a system to check in on her well-being.
Unfortunately, this system had something of a reverse effect on the OP's well-being, resulting in them begging their husband to change this system.
Wondering if they were out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not wanting my MIL to not text my husband every morning when she wakes up?"
The OP explained why their MIL's grieving process was negatively impacting the OP's sleep:
"I have never had an issue with my MIL until the past few years."
"It started two years ago after she never offered me ANY condolences after my father passed away."
"My parents actually lived two doors down from my in laws, a transition that took place several years ago when both sides relocated due to getting older and wanting to be close by my husband and me."
"I am not exaggerating when I say she offered zero words of sympathy, despite being friends with my parents and spending much time with them."
"He died on her birthday, which meant we obviously didn't celebrate her day as intended, then two days later she insisted we go to her house for cake, and even then she said nothing to me and offered no condolences, no hug, not even a 'how are you doing?'"
"So admittedly I do have a bone of contention with her."
"Fast forward to this June and my FIL passed away after a gradual progression of dementia."
"Since then she has been texting my husband every morning to let him know she is 'OK' - he says he told her to do this."
"Times have ranged from 0430, 0530, 0630…every day of the week."
"The texts wake me up and most of the time I can't go back to sleep, especially if it is 0500 or later."
"The kicker is my husband doesn't wake up, just me…he just keeps snoring away un-phased."
"I have asked him to consider texting her when HE wakes up instead, since he doesn't even seem to know when she texts him."
"I have asked him to turn his phone on do not disturb, or even reduced distractions, but he can't because of his job he has to be available if needed (though rarely) in the middle of the night (he has a hospice job)."
"If he isn't waking up when she texts him, I don't get the point of her texting him at these hours."
"During the week I can tolerate it, as I am up by 0615, but on the weekends I would enjoy sleeping in a bit…even if just until 0700, but the MIL alarm keeps on ringing."
"I have even tried ear plugs, but I really hate sleeping with ear plugs, one always falls out - and honestly, why should I be forced to sleep like this when a simple solution would be for him to just call or text her when he wakes instead?"
"He is refusing to budge on this at all and gets annoyed when I even suggest he call her in the morning instead."
"AITA for not wanting to be woken up every morning by my MIL who is not actively having an emergency?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community firmly took the OP's side, agreeing they were not the a**hole for wanting their MIL to stop texting their husband in the early hours of the morning.
Everyone agreed that there were multiple solutions to this problem, which the OP's husband seemed to deliberately choose to ignore:
"NTA."
"But her texting isn't the issue here."
"Your husband is the issue for refusing to sort out the noise HIS phone makes."
"It's so easy to set text messages to silent."
"He could still then hear a phone call in an emergency."- happybanana134
"NTA."
"Time to buy crash cymbals:"
"I'm awake = We're awake."- Maximumi-Awkward
"Your husband can 100% shut this down but for some reason is choosing not to."
"All he needs to say is, 'Mom, I love the morning text but would appreciate it if you could not text before (whatever time the two of you decide) because it wakes me up and then I can't fall back asleep'."
"'The lack of sleep is really starting to catch up with me at work'."
"I guarantee if he did that she'd stop the early texts."
"NTA though I think for your own mental health you need to let her bad manners when your dad passed go."- celticmusebooks
"NTA."
"But this can be solved very quickly and easily."
"Either turn off the ringer or set to do not disturb during sleeping hours."
"If necessary, you can set certain numbers to 'break through' the do not disturb (I have my spouse, sibling, parents and in-laws for emergency and it's for phone calls and not texts)."- planning-life
"NTA."
"He can set a single contact to do not disturb, each evening."
"Then take it off in the morning."
"Like when he brushes his teeth."
"He's being selfish about this."
"There's a fix, if he were motivated to find it."- ChaoticCrashy
"NTA, pre-set 'do not disturb' or 'sleep' hours from 4am to 7am, with selected work numbers as favorites able to go past the 'do not disturb' setting."
"If your husband is not willing to do this simple, 2min solution, then you have a husband problem."- Bored_Quebecoise
"NTA."
"If he wants to share room?"
"He either mutes her number for the nights, or get a separate phone for work and one for family."
"Sleep deprivation is devastating for your health long term."- MistressLyda
"NTA."
"But you have a husband problem."
"I mean what partner is okay with a text waking up his wife every morning?"
"One that could wait and that he doesn't even read till he wakes up?"
"He's TA."- apathetichearts
"NTA."
"I would make him silent notifications from his text thread with mom."
"I'm not sure if Android phones can, but on iPhone you click the text thread, then click the name at the top and toggle on 'Hide Alerts'."
"Although sounds like he might be weird about that too?"- No_Sandwich5643
"NTA."
"Though your problem is actually with your husband."
"Your MIL is likely up that early and if anything like my grandma doesn't think it's early!"
"The problem is that your husband is being unnecessarily obstructive about the solution."
"He could mute the text noise for her, only overnight, ask her to text later."
"Instead, he's being an a**hole because it no way affects him."
"I'd start waking him up 'by accident' so that he understands what you're talking about given that you've tried asking nicely."
"Your MIL is an insensitive witch just to be clear, but your rage is misdirected in this instance."-o2low
"NTA."
"Your husband is, though."- SensitiveDrink5721
"NTA."
"Is your husband inconsiderate in other ways?"
"This would be really simple to fix if he would just speak to her about it."- Icy-Arrival2651
"Let's remove the entire backstory that justifies your feelings."
"Adding that your feelings about her are completely justified."
"Your husband won't silence his phone when he knows his mother is going to text early in the morning."
"He also doesn't hear his mom's text tone."
"So then ask him why he leaves it audible."
"For his job, he can leave that phone number on bypass, so he will get notifications on that regardless."
"Your husband is not being a good partner to you."
"He is being selfish and self serving."
"You are NTA, but your husband is being TAish."- FinanciallySecure9
"NTA."
"Your frustration makes sense."
"Your MIL is not wrong for wanting reassurance and contact after losing her husband, but the way it is being handled is unfair to you."
"The texts are not serving their stated purpose anyway, since your husband does not even wake up when she sends them."
"Instead, you are the one losing sleep while he remains unaffected."
"You suggested a reasonable compromise: he could reach out to her once he is awake."
"That way she still gets her check-in and you are not waking up at 5 in the morning to notifications meant for him."
"His refusal to even consider alternatives shifts the burden entirely onto you, which is not fair."
"You are not asking him to cut off contact or ignore his mother."
"You are asking for boundaries that let you sleep without disruption."
"Wanting to protect your rest and peace of mind does not make you an a**hole."
"This is ultimately a problem between your husband and his mother."
"If he wants daily contact with her, it should be on terms that do not cause you to suffer for it."-Direct-Presence9693
One can understand why the OP's husband would want to keep a close eye on his mother in her state of grief.
Particularly as he is likely grieving, too.
That being said, everyone deserves an uninterrupted night's sleep.
In fact, sleeping in a bit later might even help the OP's MIL with her grief.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp