Family isn't always the most accepting group of people.
Sometimes, family is the most disappointing group of people.
The trick is to try and get past that pain.
But it isn't easy.
Redditor Comfortable_Bird3049 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA for not going to my TWIN'S Wedding???"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (24 M[ale]) have an identical twin."
"We're not close, but I thought we had basic mutual respect."
"That belief was tested."
"I grew up in a traditional Southern town and only began coming out in college, about five years ago."
"It's been slow, especially with family."
"But since moving to DC in '23 for school/work, I've felt more comfortable living authentically."
"After moving, I met my B[oy]F[riend] (26 M[ale), and we've been together 2 years."
"Over time, I've introduced him to friends and family when I felt safe."
"Cut to Nov. '24: I was home for the holidays and told my twin and his fianceé about my BF."
"They seemed happy for me."
"While staying with them, wedding details arose, and they asked if I'd be bringing a date."
"I said yes, my BF."
'My twin had gone to bed, but his fianceé said, 'While there are pros and cons, it's up to you if you want to bring him.'"
"That felt like a green light."
"My twin constantly deferred to her on decisions, so I didn't think I needed to double-check."
"5 months passed, my BF and I had spent $1,300 on travel (flights, hotel, etc.)."
"3 weeks before the wedding, I mentioned on a call with my brother that we were all set."
"His tone shifted: 'Oh, is BF actually coming?'"
"I reminded him of the convo with his fianceé."
"He said she never gave me permission and accused me of making it up."
"Then said, "We can't allow your BF to come. We worry how Dad's side will react.'"
"I offered to call our Dad on the spot."
"He dodged, saying he'd check with his fianceé (despite just saying it was his decision)."
"An hour later, no change."
"I was still invited-ALONE, still expected to buy a groomsman-match suiting (even though I wasn't in the party), and show up smiling."
"That's when I snapped."
"I asked, 'If I didn't invite your fianceé to my wedding, would you still come?'"
"He couldn't answer and ended the call after some harsh words."
"Trying to make things right, I came out to my dad (whom I feared for years) to explain the situation."
"He was surprisingly indifferent and even said uninviting my BF was extreme.'
"He offered to talk to the extended family."
"I thought I was removing the main obstacle."
"Weeks later, my twin called again."
"He now claimed our friends would be 'weirded out.'"
"So the excuse shifted."
"I said, 'If my BF is not invited, I'm not coming.'"
"He didn't budge."
'Here's the kicker: days later, my dad told me the fianceé admitted she did give me permission, but changed her mind when she remembered 'who would be there.'"
"She denied this to my twin."
"Also, one of her bridesmaids is openly gay and brought her G[irl]F[riend, but, according to the fianceé, 'she's not part of the family,' so it's different."
"So I didn't go."
"I'm still wondering if I made the wrong call."
"My absence was noticed."
"I got texts asking where I was."
"My mom had to explain it repeatedly."
"So instead of avoiding attention, my absence became the story."
"My relationship with my twin is dead, and some family ties now feel fragile."
"Part of me wonders, should I have sucked it up and gone solo, just to preserve bonds that shaped my early life?"
The OP was left to wonder:
"So, AITA for skipping the wedding?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"As a guy in my early 60s who happens to be gay and have a gay twin, sometimes we have to make hard choices when it comes to our energy and peace of mind."
"You went out of your way to support your twin brother, and he gave you excuses and disrespect."
"You don't have to make any decisions right now as to your relationship with him, but I can tell you that it won't improve."
"I cut my twin out of my life years ago and have no regrets." ~ Forward_Giraffe9404
"NTA, unless your survival depends on it, never feel sorry for cutting bigots out of your life." ~ ftjlster
"OP handled this with grace."
"Coming out to his dad when he was worried about his reaction to try to make things easier on his brother."
"His twin and fiancée are both liars and crappy people."
"He is right to distance himself and keep his peace."
"I say take a nice trip with the money that was going to that trip with his boyfriend."
"His brother and his idiot bride are the reason people were asking questions, and it distracted from the wedding." ~ MartinisnMurder
"NTA. You did the right thing. Now you know who your twin and his wife are."
"I'm glad you talked to your father."
"That must be a relief."
"I'm sorry about the others in your family." ~ General_Relative2838
"NTA. But your twin and his wife definitely are both AH."
"I'm glad you've found out that your dad is at least supportive of you and your boyfriend; that's something good out of the stinking corpse of your relationship with your twin." ~ Umbra_Lucis
NTA. Your brother keeps finding excuses by saying other people won't accept it, when it's clear he is the one who doesn't but won't admit to it.
"He may be your family by blood, but your boyfriend is who you choose to be with, and it's great you're standing by him and your relationship." ~ lemon_charlie
"NTA. Your dad being indifferent/supportive came so far out of left field!"
"It would've been fine if that had resolved the issue."
"After all, backlash from family is a major reason why people are afraid of coming out, and even just supporting a queer family member can lead to negative experiences with the homophobes in the extended family."
"But that's not what happened.'
"The excuse shifted."
"Okay, maybe the friends... oh."
"There's a lesbian bridesmaid who's allowed to bring her girlfriend."
"Sorry, but your brother and his wife are awful." ~ KatKaleen
"NTA. I would've done the same."
"It always amazes me that people would prefer to have a loved one missing from an event because of what some bigot might think or might say."
"For me, if those with the prejudice have an issue, they can be the ones who stay home." ~ Bitter-Paramedic-531
"NTA, but your twin and his wife are."
"I'm glad your dad supports you." ~ Acrobatic_Increase69
"The only odd thing is that you were going to bring your BF but hadn't come out to your own father prior to the wedding."
"Your brother's wedding was not the right time for a coming out situation because that really would put attention on yourself instead of him if it was a big surprise to your dad and other family."
"That said, since you removed that issue, it was insulting that they withdrew the invitation after extending it."
"You aren't owed a plus one, but in this case, it was intentional, and you had every right to skip going. NTA." ~ alicat777777
"NTA at all."
"If you are visibly clearly identical twins, my best guess is that someone made a comment about the increased likelihood of identical twins sharing a sexuality, and he did the sh*tty thing of putting that insecurity on you."
"I'm only saying that because it seems to be focused on your sexuality specifically and not others in the wedding party." ~ lamepajamas
"NTA. You actually did a lot, going out of your way trying to avoid this undesirable outcome."
"To me, their reaction just shows that whatever stupid problems they had about you being gay are bigger than their wish to have you at the wedding."
"Your brother and his wife should be munching this in their minds now, not you." ~ silentjudge_
'NTA. Your new S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] is a real piece of work."
"In fact, your parents and relatives, who you were out to, who KNEW you were being discriminated against, should have declined and let your homophobic twin explain to his in-laws where everyone is." ~ fyrdude58
"Absolutely NTA, you did not shift attention from the couple at all."
"They did that."
"It was a direct result of their own actions!!"
"They gotta suck it up now."
"At some point, maybe they will reach some level of self-awareness that they sabotaged their own wedding day."
"What idiots."
"I commend you on your decision." ~ citrus_cinnamon
"NTA. Your brother was the one who couldn't accept you and your boyfriend."
"He shifted the blame to his fiancée, your dad, your dad's side of the family, his friends… until there was no one left."
"He's a major a**hole and a homophobe."
"Glad you didn't go to the wedding." ~ misuez
"NTA. You don't owe your twin anything."
"He threw his relationship with you away for a self-absorbed bigot."
"He's made his bed."
"You are not in the wrong here."
"I hope they have the marriage they deserve." ~ Miss_Melody_Pond
"NTA. You didn't make the wedding all about your absence; your brother and his fiancée did."
"No need to apologise for anything."
"About all they did for you was inadvertently push you into coming out to your dad, and I'm glad for you that that went better than you expected." ~ Chatelaine5
"NTA, but your twin and his wife certainly are."
"Your relationship with your brother was done long before the wedding."
"You were only invited because the family expected it." ~ Sticky_Beak7250
Reddit is with you, OP.
It sucks that you have to go through this.
Shame on your twin and new SIL.
You keep doing you.
Loud and Proud!!!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp