Monogamy isn't for everyone.
And that's fine.
So long as everyone in a relationship agrees to date and/or have sex with people outside the relationship.
It's when people vow not to do that, then do it anyway that problems arise.
There's a reason why it's called "cheating."
A wife dealing with the fallout from hèr husband's infidelity turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
Embarrassed_Ask8092 asked:
"AITAH if I were to tell my husband that I don't want to have any relationship nor help him care for the child he fathered with his lover?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I still can't believe this thing happened to me and I'm just so lost and so tired now, I never expected for my husband to do this to me after everything we have."
"English is not my first language and I'm still in shock so please forgive me if there's some mess in my post, I'm just venting and feeling so broken. I've never used Reddit for things like this and just watched stories from the internet."
"Some background: Me (44, female) and my husband (45, male) have been married for two decades and we have four kids together; Shane (23, female), Bea (22, female), Charles (17, male), and Ivan (13, male)."
"All of our kids are adopted since I cannot carry a child to term, but I treat all of my kids as if I birthed them myself."
"Me and my husband has a wonderful relationship, we are high school sweethearts, dated in high school and got married when we were in college."
"We rarely fight, because we always address the issues we have and always tried our best to fight for our relationship. We have date nights, our kids cringe every time me and their Dad are together because of how sticky we are and affectionate."
"We both have good jobs as well (I worked in a high position at a Call Center, while my husband works in tech), both earning good amount of money for us to provide a comfortable life to our children."
"And we have great intimacy. We are each other's firsts in everything."
"So imagine my shock when my husband told me this morning that he had a one-night stand with a co-worker nine years ago and it resulted with a boy."
"My husband told me that it happened when I was away on a trip with my girlfriends and he was feeling so lonely and stressed for a project at that time, but he didn't want to bother me while I'm out having fun because I rarely go out with my friends."
"He said he didn't mean for it to happen and it never happened again, but I don't know if I believe him. According to him, after they did it, he and his affair partner (AP) spoke about how much of a mistake of what they did and that it shouldn't happen again."
"Since then, they never spoke to each other at work aside from when they have projects together. The AP ended up leaving their company after two months so they never saw each other again."
"Now, just this morning, my husband told me that his AP's parents contacted him a month ago and told him that she became pregnant after they slept together and gave birth to a son."
"They said that they can no longer care for the boy since they're old and the AP is in jail for the foreseeable future. They wanted to still have the kid with them but won't be able to provide a good life for the child so they wanted my husband to take in the child."
"I just became numb the entire time he's explaining to me. He told me of his plan to turn one of our guest room into that boy's room and wanted to introduce him to our kids as their new brother."
"Said that I would love the kid because the boy likes anime, and we would definitely get along. My husband is completely ecstatic because he said the boy looks so much like him and is such a good kid."
"That the boy would be grateful to have a normal life and have parents who would love him. Which is, from what I think he's saying, me and him being the parents."
"I don't know what to do. I know the boy is completely innocent, and he didn't choose his parents."
"But the fact that he knew about this child for a month yet hid it from me, and the fact that the boy is his blood-related child, which is something I can never give him, is making me feel so horrible and making me feel a bit resentful for the child's existence."
"I'm currently locking myself in our bedroom, and he's been trying to get me to open the door, but I just wanted to cry by myself here."
"I don't want to care for the child. I don't want to see the result of my husband's infidelity. But I also pity the boy."
"So, AITAH?"
The OP later added:
"He already got a paternity test and the boy is his."
"This was one of the questions I asked him earlier, because I was still hoping that the boy was not actually his and he was just being scammed, and maybe we can move past this, but he already confirmed that the boy is his son."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to object to playing happy family with her husband's child born out of infidelity (NTA).
"NTA. Your husband massively betrayed you, and now he's moving him in? Not cool." ~ ProfessorDistinct835
"He is a cheater. He is just putting a ribbon on a sh*tty situation by romanticizing the boy to be another of your kids."
"He is treating you like the help. The nanny. It is up to you to accept this pre-teen that is a complete extranger to him and you."
"You and your children are under no obligation to accept this kid. It is his mistake; he should move and raise his kid on his own." ~ Ok-Beginning-1493
"So he lied to you for nine years and thinks you will be happy that he brings his affair kid into your marriage?! Don't talk to him again. Kick him out of the house and call a lawyer. He can play happy family with his son then. What a POS. NTA." ~ ichundmeinHolz_
"Nine years, he betrayed her nine years ago and has continued to lie to her every day since then via omission like. I am floored." ~ 8Aquitaine8
"He didn't tell her out of guilt. He would have never admitted that he cheated if he wasn't being given the opportunity to raise a kid who looks like him. Why is OP assuming that he only cheated the one time that resulted in pregnancy?" ~ 1MorningLightMTN
"There is no way Mr. Lonely would, in a few days, decide to cheat on his wife, decide to have sex, know whose bones he wanted to jump, contact this woman and discuss and agree to having sex, do the deed and decide never to do it again."
All in a few days. I call it not just bullsh*t but f*cking bullsh*t. I hope OP puts this together as the next days go on." ~ seagull321
"The brutal audacity of OP's husband and the emotional blows he rained down on her that he just expects her to get over and be fine with: 'I cheated on you 9 years ago. I found out the other woman became pregnant and had my baby. I'm now going to take him in to live with us, and I'm so excited! Why aren't you also excited that we get to have another child like we talked about?'."
"The lack of remorse for cheating on OP, the lack of empathy for what she's going through, and the expectation that she'd happily welcome his affair child because they've talked about adopting again in the future is so brazen that I wonder if he actually has human emotions." ~ AccordingToWhom1982
"Has he even considered how your kids would react to a sibling whose existence is due to his deception? I don't see that going over well. He needs to get out." ~ Traditional-Theme829
"Since all the kids are adopted, I figured he'd either be vague or pass the kid off as a new adoption. But holy crap, this guy is either the most oblivious, most stupid, or most in denial person ever to be selling this as a great thing that's happening to them. Probably a combination of all three." ~ Logical_Ruse
The OP hasn't provided an update, so what they decided to do is unknown.
But most Redditors advised against making nice with her husband.
Accommodating his infidelity is not something she, nor her children, needs to do.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.