All of us have our own ways of making ourselves feel better, from going to the spa to buying a nice coffee to simply relaxing at home.
Some of us also find comfort and confidence in having treatment done, like Botox, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Low-Complaint-827 had been really curious about getting a Botox treatment for a while, but every time she tried to bring it up to her husband, he turned her down.
But when he told her that he would be able to tell if she had Botox or not, the Original Poster (OP) decided to conduct an experiment.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for not telling my husband I got Botox?”
The OP was interested in trying out Botox.
“I (31 Female) have wanted to try Botox for some time, have done a lot of research, and made up my mind that I would get it as a preventative to slow the worry wrinkle I had between my brows as well as my crows’ feet.”
“I chose Dysport because it’s not as harsh, doesn’t last as long, and is not as concentrated, etc.”
“For all those who don’t know, I’ll briefly break down that Botox/Dysport will temporarily (3-6 months) paralyze muscles in your face so you can’t move parts of it, which helps smooth movement wrinkles. It is NOT the same as filler, which changes the features of your face by injecting a filler to give more volume, etc.”
The OP’s husband did not like the sound of the procedure.
“I tried to soft-introduce the concept to my husband (31 Male) over the past year, each time explaining the difference and what it does.”
“Each time he says I shouldn’t do it, it’ll change my face, and he won’t be able to stand it, and so on.”
“I told him he would not even be able to tell.”
“He said he would absolutely be able to tell. He is not even trying to understand the difference between fillers and botox.”
The OP decided to make a point.
“Well, I did it anyway, and then I waited 2 months. During those 2 months, he has not noticed a thing.”
“I broke the news to him the other day, and he flew off the handle, saying I was manipulative, untrustworthy, and a liar.”
“He said he thought I wasn’t like all the other girls.”
The OP wasn’t sure what to think after that.
“He has been rude to me ever since.”
“I get it, he absolutely feels betrayed that I didn’t tell him and I can appreciate that, but:”
“1. It’s temporary.”
“2. He didn’t notice so all his past arguments about it changing my face and my looking different, etc., are void.”
“And 3. I did this for me, I don’t plan on doing it for 20 years or anything, but I just want to prevent those wrinkles from happening too fast. I know that’s vain of me but there’s very little I treat myself to.”
After receiving initial feedback, the OP clarified a few details about their finances.
“The cost of the procedure: $200.”
“Our finances are not combined.”
“Money was never the issue, and he never brought that up, just to clarify, because it seems the people of Reddit are making this out like he wants to control my money, as well… He does not.”
The OP also shared a few more details about her husband.
“He is not a controlling person. We are very free to make our own choices in our relationship. He is usually an amazing and supportive partner, shares the load, encourages me, he’s my best pal, etc.”
“I suspect his reaction is more to being proven wrong, and although it is a very immature reaction, I think he may just be doubling down.”
“I can assure you all, I’m not in a psychologically abusive relationship. While his reaction is 100% not okay and he is showing me contempt, I think again, he is overreacting.”
“We’ve been in a very healthy relationship for 10 years, I’m not in danger, don’t worry!”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that it was her money, her body, and therefore, her choice.
“The sentence that he’s upset that now you’re like other women is very f**king alarming. Women are amazing. It’s misogynistic as f**k for him to stomp around like normal women are a scourge to avoid becoming.”
“It is your face, it is your body. He has NO claim to it. It is yours. You do not require his permission.”
“It doesn’t matter if it permanently did change your face, it’s your f**king face, change it if you want.”
“NTA. But he is.” – soggypizzapi
“You did something for yourself, your body, to feel better about yourself. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“You knew he was against it but he refused to educate himself about it, even when you tried to explain it to him.”
“Again, you didn’t do anything wrong. You wanted it, he didn’t, but in the end, it’s always YOUR CHOICE.” – LoveBeach8
“NTA. It’s your face and if your finances aren’t shared, then your money.”
“I can understand where you’re coming from and I’ve had a similar conversation with my fiancé and my doctor. My doctor prescribed me Tretinoin which is a prescription strength retinoid and it works so much better than retinol that you buy OTC (over-the-counter). It reduces wrinkles and that way you won’t have to spend tons on Botox in the future.” – LittleHawk200
“Of course you’re NTA. It’s your face, your choice. If your husband can’t accept the choices you make for yourself, he doesn’t deserve you. And there’s a difference between being vain and just being insecure about something.”
“The real reason he didn’t want you to get Botox is because he is fully engaged in the stigma cosmetic surgery has attached to it and thinks women who do it are shallow conceited and ‘low value’ when that is obviously not true.”
“He knows who you are, he’s married to you. If he lets a social stigma get in the way of his relationship with you, again he doesn’t deserve you. You’re not manipulative or untrustworthy for doing something YOU want for YOU. It’s none of his business, it doesn’t concern him, it doesn’t make a difference whether he knows or not.” – Legitimate_Annual533
Others agreed and were concerned about the husband being either abusive or controlling.
“He sounds controlling and he’s lashing out because you didn’t have his permission, and now he’s punishing you. You don’t need anyone’s approval to do what you want with your own body, take it as a red flag that he’s so angry at you. NTA.” – Escape_Overlander
“It’s your body and face. Besides, like you said, it wasn’t a filler. It was something to slow the movement wrinkles down.”
“Does he also think that makeup is manipulative? It hides someone’s ‘features’ just like what you did with the Botox.”
“He sounds controlling.” – ElevatorOk8601
“NTA. Also, he sounds vaguely misogynistic with the ‘not like all the other girls’ comment.”
“I get botox because I grind my teeth and get headaches, and unless you get a large amount in several areas, it does not change your face at all.”
“It’s also YOUR face and it’s insane that he thinks you need his permission to do anything with it, especially when he’s not even willing to look into what the changes may be.” – absolutebeast_
“Let me get this straight:”
“Your hubby thinks he should have a say in what you do with your own body? Does he decide what clothes you’re ‘allowed’ to wear and how much and in what way you’re ‘allowed’ to put on make-up as well?”
“He didn’t even care enough to take a second or two to understand the difference between botox and fillers before thinking he should share his manly opinions on what you having botox would mean for how you look?”
“He didn’t even notice, just like you said he wouldn’t, and now he is punishing you for being right, and saying you manipulated and betrayed him for simply doing something with your own body that you wanted to do and even talked to him about several times before doing it?”
“He sounds abusive.”
“Also, he says he thought you weren’t ‘like all the other girls’?!”
“This is just… Your husband is clearly misogynistic. That sentence right there, it means that he HATES women.” – PeaElectronic8316
“You’re NTA. You can do whatever you want with your body.”
“His reaction seems super weird but you’re not an a**hole. But in my opinion, you should probably tell the person you may spend the rest of your life with that you’re getting something like this done…” – Gyooped
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
“I have taken your comments into consideration and have gone back to hubby for us to discuss.”
“I pointed out the fact that this is the first time he has had problems with me doing as I please and that his reaction is a concern. I asked him what particularly he had a problem with.”
“He has apologized and his explanation was more so rooted in his own issues and me not being honest, rather than what I actually did with my body.”
“Here’s a summary of our discussion:”
“He admitted he overreacted, and he doesn’t have an issue with what I do, even though he doesn’t like it. He had an issue of the way I went about it (as in, waited to prove my point), and he felt I rubbed it in his face in a way. He felt foolish because I had proven him wrong in a sense, and he reacted badly due to other stressors in his life (legitimate stressors).”
“I asked about the other girls comments, and he admitted that he shouldn’t have said it like that. It seems what he meant was that he always thought I felt secure in my skin and didn’t want or need work done, and he was also under the impression that I would be like he sees some of our other friends who lie about not having work done when they clearly have.”
“I explained that I’ve been transparent with people about the Dysport.”
“He also expressed concern that I would want to change my whole face to not look like myself, and he knows he can’t tell me what to do and will obviously still love me if I change my face, but that ‘he loves my sweet lil face, witch nose and all’ (he’s joking, I don’t have a witch nose, this is an ongoing joke I started and not abuse I swear).”
“I have reassured him that’s not the case, I feel secure in my skin, I just want to hold onto what this skin looks like just a smidge longer, lol (laughing out loud).”
“I said that this situation stressed me out a lot, because I had never seen this behavior before and said that a reaction of that magnitude is unacceptable.”
The subReddit was incredibly concerned over the OP’s husband’s reaction to her procedure, both because it was her body and because of the potential insinuations behind his comments.
Hopefully, the conversation after the fact was as productive as it seemed, so the OP could continue to do what she wanted to do for herself, but now without the concerning reactions.