Among the many keys to a successful domestic partnership is ensuring that you and your partner make an effort to be on the same page.
Chances are, you and your partner will not agree on everything, and may disagree on how certain things can and should be handled.
But as long as a solution is reached that pleases both parties, a harmonious domestic life will follow.
Something that will never occur if only one half of the couple is pleased.
The husband of Redditor Enough_Reflection_77 adamantly enforced a rule anytime certain houseguests of the original poster (OP) paid a visit.
Rules that didn't seem to apply to houseguests of the OP's husband.
Feeling this arrangement wasn't fair, even bordering on hypocritical, the OP confronted her husband about this.
Only to end up getting the silent treatment from him.
Concerned she may have crossed a line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for expecting my husband to not have double standards for his kids vs mine?"
The OP explained why she confronted her husband regarding what she felt was a fairly glaring double standard:
"My husband requires advanced notice of my son and grandson being at our house (my husband says it's for 'planning purposes')."
"But when his son showed up unannounced and I asked him to please speak with his son about letting us know when he's coming, my husband told me, 'kids should feel like they can visit their parents", and that "most parents would be happy their kid came to visit'."
"Then he got angry, absolutely would NOT acknowledge that it's no different than what he asks of my son and grandson, and has now been giving me the silent treatment for several weeks."
"AITA for asking my husband to hold his 26 yr son to the same standard that he holds my 21 yr old son and my daughter's 12 yr old son?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for confronting her husband about his double standard.
Just about everyone agreed that the OP's husband was only thinking of himself, and prioritizing his needs above everyone else's, with many urging the OP to question just how healthy their marriage was:
"You're saying 'our house' but he doesn't think it's your house."
"It's his house, so your kids need to give prior notice and his son doesn't, because it's his home too by virtue of being his child."
"You're a quasi-guest."
"NTA, and he's giving you silent treatment to make you shut up and never bring up this matter again."
"If you apologize and make peace, you'll have your happy home and husband back, and you'll never bring up this partial treatment again."- LionessStephanie
"NTA."
"He doesn't consider your family to be family."
"And weeks of silent treatment are abusive."
"I'd be done after 2 days."
"Why are you allowing him to treat you and your family like this?"- lazyloofah
"NTA."
"And giving you the silent treatment?"
"Wow."
"He's trying to punish you for him being wrong."
"That's a really bad sign for your marriage, sorry."- ScarletNotThatOne
"NTA- but this dude?"
"Why are you with him?"
"Tell your kids to come over unannounced whenever they want."
"Ex-husband can kick rocks."- AgileSurprise1966
"Sometimes calling someone an a**hole is just not strong enough!"
"NTA, OP!"
"Not at all."- West_House_2085
"NTA, but 'asking' should have been 'demanding'."
"This is a hill to die on."- Swimming-City-5001
"NTA."
"The reason he is so mad is because he knows that not only is he very wrong here, he knows that YOU are right."
"The silent treatment is abuse, OP."
"Protect yourself."- PreviousPin597
"NTA."
"'Requires advanced notice'."
"That is a valid point of view."
"'Kids should feel like they can visit their parents'."
"This is also a valid point of view."
"'Double standard'."
"The problem is really that whatever they choose should count for all children and grandchildren equally."
"OP is right."
"'Silent treatment for several weeks'."
"Also this is really concerning."
"I mean several weeks?"
"This relationship sounds really bad."- opelan
"NTA."
"That was one of my ex's weapons of choice."
"The therapist told us the silent treatment is the most punishing form of emotional abuse."
"You don't say how long you've been married or your financial situation."
"If you can leave this marriage, please do so for your emotional well being."
"He's a bully."- TALKTOME0701
"NTA."
"Your husband must not like your children, otherwise why would he have a double standard going on."- RandiLynn1982
"NTA."
"I will say the only thing that you could have changed is your husband is absolutely right that 'kids should feel like they can visit their parents'."
"He's the one who should change his behavior towards your children."-Substantial_Trip7078
"NTA."
"What do you mean silent treatment for SEVERAL WEEKS?"- Single-Guava-7489
"NTA."
"And your husband is a hypocrite of the highest order."
"Simply stop asking your son and grandson to provide notice (if you don't care about it), and your husband can deal with it, just like you do when his son drops by unannounced."
"He's already not speaking to you, what more is there to lose?"
"Maybe lose the husband if that's a possibility."- Upstairs_Fondant8540
"He's been giving you the silent treatment for WEEKS?"
"NTA."- MarionberryPlus8474
"NTA."
"The silent treatment is abuse, especially for WEEKS."
"Just get a divorce."- Slight_Citron_7064
"Both sets of kids should be treated equally."
"If he disagrees with this then you need to seriously question where his loyalties lie and whether he loves or even respects you!"
"NTA, unless you let this inequality continue."- MaryMaryQuite-
"NTA."
"Why are you with this guy?"
"Is he super rich or something?"
"Look how he treat your kids."
"How you okay with that?"
"What are you telling yourself makes it worth it?"- Free-Place-3930
"NTA."
"The silent treatment is for tweens who haven't quite figured out how to manage their emotions and communicate."
"He ain't saying nothing because he knows he's wrong."
"He's middle aged."
"He's too old to rely on tween behavior and should have progressed in his problem solving skills at this point."
"I'd be more concerned that my husband has the emotional skills of a tween than who is right or wrong."
"You're right!"
"All kids have to call or none of them do."
"You can't pick and choose."
"Personally, I need a 20 minute warning before people show up."
"Thats enough time for me to straighten up common areas."
"I don't want family coming over when my house is trashed--but its not because I'm too important or busy for a quick visit from family."
"Husband sounds exhausting."- bibilime
"NTA."
"But you already know that."
"Why have you stayed with someone who's controlling when you can and can't see your own children and grandchildren?"
"What is the justification for that?"
"I can't imagine any justification being good enough, and you seem to already know it is wrong, which is why you brought up his son."
"Also, why are you allowing him to give you the silent treatment that drags on for weeks on end?"
"That is so dysfunctional, toxic, and childish."
"If you guys can't talk this through like adults and come to some kind of conclusion, then your relationship is doomed."
"I would ask him to talk to you about this, and try to work it out."
"If you can't, or he won't, you have a much bigger issues."- Valuable_Many8501
"NTA."
"If he wants warning about them you should get warning about him."- Lurking_87
"NTA."
"Just let your kids visit whenever they want either no advance notice."
"No need to get his permission for this."- snazzy_soul
"Tell your son to come over unannounced to help you move out."
"NTA."- WitchBalls
"NTA."
"That double standard is insane."
"Almost as much as a grown man given his wife the silent treatment."- Wegotthis_12054
The OP later returned with an update, sharing where things currently stood between them and their husband:
"I am moving out at the end of the week."
"This was just one example of MANY regarding this type of behavior from him but it was the final straw for me."
"My son and grandson just hang out in the apartment attached to the house and watch TV, play video games, and go outside and throw the football around."
"They avoid my husband as best they can because he's is a jerk to both of them."
The OP's husband is absolutely right that kids shouldn't need an excuse to visit their parents.
He's also not wrong that giving people a bit of a warning that you are coming is the polite thing to do.
Where he's absolutely wrong, however, is that the OP's family needs to give a warning, but his son can visit at any time, warning or not.
Something for him to consider should he ever wonder why his marriage to the OP failed the way it did.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp