It's always hard to process when people are dishonest with us.
Especially our nearest and dearest.
We are left wondering why they felt they couldn't be completely truthful with us, while also unsure of what they were trying to accomplish by not telling us the whole truth.
In some cases, the dishonesty of our loved ones has damaging repercussions on us, causing a whole new level of conflict.
The husband of Redditor PixelPicklePie was a proud bodybuilder.
While the original poster (OP) was supportive of her husband's efforts, she was shocked and upset to learn that he had been keeping a secret from her.
A secret that had possibly devastating consequences to their domestic life.
Having trouble processing her emotions around this, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITH).
While similar to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH for being enraged that my husband is currently infertile?"
The OP shared why she found herself enraged with her husband:
"My (30 F[emale]) husband (36 M[ale]) has body built for 15+ years and has an unreal physique."
"We got together at 21 and 27."
"Being young, I was naive and believed him when he said he was natural (I only asked because my male acquaintances regularly asked me)."
"Over the years this morphed into 'I'm natural now but I used to take T years ago'."
"I distinctly remember telling him I am massively against drugs and if he ever went back on it and it affected us having a baby then I would never forgive him."
"Cut forward to last December."
"I was cleaning our apartment and found testosterone."
"He's somewhat of a hoarder so I wanted to make sure it wasn't an old one that had been accidentally moved in."
"So I hid it in my sock drawer."
"Within 48 hours he confronted me, angry that I'd took it - clearly he had been taking it."
"I gave him an ultimatum."
"Me or testosterone."
"We were set to get married in the summer."
"He promised he wouldn't take it again."
"He promised my parents too."
"So things settled down, we married, and we have been uber keen on having kids asap - him slightly more so than me even."
"So we have been trying."
"It's been a while with no pregnancy so we took some fertility tests."
"We just had results today."
"Mine came back good."
"His showed up as no sperm whatsoever."
"The doctor asked him if he takes testosterone and my husband replied 12 months ago."
"The doctor said he'd expect sperm to recover in 3-4 months which means we need to take a load more tests to figure out why there's no sperm."
"My first reaction was to comfort obviously, but when he heard 3-4 months, my husband seemed less deflated than he had been when he first heard the results."
"So after we said goodbye to the doctor, I asked my husband 'was 12 months really the last time you took T?'"
" After some back and fourth he admittedly he last took it two weeks ago."
"I am fuming."
"He lied to me."
"He's been wasting my time."
"He risked our future child's health."
"He risked his own health."
"He risked our future."
"But he's mad at me for not being supportive and he thinks I'm being completely unreasonable in my reaction."
"He thinks I should be focussed on resolving the issue rather than the 'why'."
"That I married him knowing his history so I should be okay with it."
"He's making me doubt myself."
"So people of Reddit."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Just about everyone agreed that the OP had every right to be enraged, as her husband's lies had serious consequences not only on their marriage, but also on his own health:
"Realistically if he 36, and has been on TRT for a long time…..he'll probably need to be on it indefinitely."
"Maintenance dose to keep testosterone within a healthy range."
"He can go to any Men's wellness clinic and get HCG on top of it for fertility purposes."
"It counters the sperm stopping properties."
"If he gets off testosterone completely, he'll probably feel horrible for months if not a year/years."-Emergency-Paint-6457
"You married him knowing the omissions, half truths and excuses, not his 'history'."
"NTA obviously, and look, I don't want to be the average Redditor suggesting divorce, but on the very least this warrants couple counseling to get to the root of his lying."
"Individual therapy for him too."- salbwassfith
"You're enraged he lied, not that he's infertile."- Rogue-Daddio-3
"I'm by no means an expert on this subject, but it sounds to me like your husband needs mental health intervention."
"When women are obsessed with their physique to the point that they intentionally damage themselves, we call that an eating disorder and get them help so they don't die."
"Your husband is obsessed with his shape to the point that he's lying and hiding drugs."
"I would require intensive therapy and a complete ban on bodybuilding before I'd be willing to continue the relationship."
"He can't handle being a normal healthy man at 36."
"NO WAY is he going to be able to handle being 45 or 55 without a massive midlife crisis."
"I am not in the habit of volunteering to be abused bc somebody else can't get their sh*t together."
"This problem is bigger than just a baby, and IMHO you would be a fool to continue with the relationship without significant, meaningful change."- Todd_and_Margo
"You're surprised that the man who lied to you multiple times about drugs was still doing them even after he promised you he wouldn't?"
"NTA, but the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different results."- Relative-Act5470
"You married a liar and are enraged that he lied."
"I understand this could be life-changing news for you two to receive, but are you sincerely shocked by this?"
"Did a small part of you not expect this?"
"He's mad at you for not being supportive of… his lying and breaking promises to you?"
"He sounds INSANELY self-absorbed, to the point of being delusional."
"Please, please think long and hard about reproducing with someone who is so comfortable lying to your face."- lovewholly
"No not the a**."
"Here's some info, though, for you as someone who takes tests."
"He's been on way more than test, btw, and since he's been on for 15 years, he will need testosterone replacement for life."
"So prepare for that."
"He can do it safely and through a doc."
"But without test he'll feel like sh*t and have no sex drive, etc."
"He probably knows this unless he lives in a cave, but he can use hCG and hMG to kick-start his sperm production."
"Look it up."
"And he will know about it, trust me."
"There is a chance he's f*cked it completely, so prepare for that as well."
"It's not that common, but it happens."
"But hey, dudes lied for a long time and still is."
"I'd wait on kids for sure."
"For sure, for sure."
"Kids are forever."- aporter0131
"He lied so you marry him."
"NTA and honestly, if it was me, I'd consider leaving, call it drastic, but you already gave him an ultimatum, and he kept lying about it and with it about marriage and family planning."- Joubachi
"He likes 'trying to have kids' not the actual having them."- No1LikesTheCowboys
"The issue is not his fertility."
"In fact, I'd say it's lucky he's infertile. Do you really want to commit to raising children with an addict who is also a pathological liar?"- hengehanger
"Why do you still care what he thinks?"
"He's exclusively interested in getting his own wants and needs met."
"You need to start thinking about yourself."
"It was a mistake for you to marry this man."
"He is going to continue to lie to you while pursuing his own agenda."
"Acknowledge that the marriage was a mistake and get yourself out of it."
"Thank God that he's infertile and you can walk away from him completely without being tethered to him by a child."- Ok-Willow-9145
"You can be enraged that he lied."
"But I think you've also been willfully blind."
"You had 9 years with him and getting to know bodybuilding culture."
"I suspect you did have some indication he was taking testosterone."- thirdtryisthecharm
"Your husband has been lying to you about his priorities for your entire relationship."
"You've literally never known him as an honest man."
"Can you trust that he actually wants to have children?"- Which-Month-3907
"He will always put his working out before you and the kids. Is this who you really want to have kids with?"
"NTA."- MaineHippo83
The OP made it very clear to her husband that their marriage would not be tenable if he continued taking testosterone.
And yet, he kept taking it, possibly costing him the chance of ever becoming a parent.
As well as possibly costing him his marriage.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp