Infidelity is often the end of a relationship, but not always.
For those who do make the decision to stay, a high percentage eventually call it quits, citing repeated cheating, an overall lack of trust, or irrevocably altered relationship dynamics.
A woman who stayed with her cheating husband turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after she considered ending her marriage.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Ok-Efficiency631 asked:
“AITAH if I leave my husband?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“Am I the a**hole for wanting to leave my husband?”
“Background: husband has a previous relationship and two children. I also had two children from my previous marriage before we met.”
“We’ve been together 3 years, married for 2. Husband cheated on me with his ex one year into the relationship, but we moved on and stayed together.”
“Now here comes the issue.”
“He wants me to treat his children like my own, but doesn’t allow me to discipline them. Anything I say he says their mother is handling it.”
“He defends her whenever I have anything to say. So I stay out of it.”
“Then he gets mad when I treat them like visitors in our home, when he made it that way.”
“Now here comes my issue.”
“He claims they only text about the girls and only throughout the day. He has been texting her more and more lately, sometimes up until midnight.”
“I’ve mentioned it once and he said it was only about the kids and I was overreacting. Today he did it again, but I can’t say anything because it rubs him the wrong way.”
“He doesn’t let me see his phone, but wants full access to mine. I have to share my location. I have to give him a play-by-play of my entire day, but he doesn’t tell me anything about his, according to him, ‘he’s the man and doesn’t have to’.”
“I don’t know. Lately, it feels like I can’t mention anything. I can’t speak my mind or give my opinion because then I’m not respecting him.”
“So now I don’t talk, I don’t laugh, I don’t joke. I’m not myself. We have a daughter together and a business.”
“AITAH IF I WALK AWAY?”
The OP later added:
“He makes me feel like I’m going crazy sometimes, and it’s hard. To everyone else, he’s the greatest guy ever, offers to help, and goes out of his way for everyone.”
“I’m constantly being told how lucky I am.”
“But when we’re alone, he’s always finding the one thing I forgot to do or did wrong, or I made eye contact with a man for a second too long. I don’t work out enough (mind you I’m 5’9” and 135 lbs, I’m slim), I don’t do my hair the way he likes (my hair is always done in curls or styled because I work in corporate.”
“I don’t know. I just feel like he doesn’t love me for me anymore. I look at him and don’t recognize the man in front of me.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO – more information needed
Redditors decided the OP had ample grounds for divorce (NTA).
“You need to watch the documentary ‘Inside The Manosphere’ by Louis Theroux (everyone who isn’t IN the manosphere should).”
“There’s very specific rhetoric and catchphrases all these ‘alpha male’ influencers use and your husband is parroting it.”
“In addition to keeping their women in line, a core tenet amongst all of these guys is that men can and should cheat. If your husband has latched onto this subculture, he’s definitely cheating and thinks there’s nothing wrong with it.”
“Learn the warning signs folks, then contribute to the ‘male loneliness epidemic’ by dumping these losers as friends and lovers.” ~ MohawMais
“You wrote: ‘…according to him “he’s the man and doesn’t have to”.'”
“Well, that’s enough of a reason to leave him, right there.” ~ Echo-Azure
“I’d have already been gone after hearing that.”
“NTA. He doesn’t respect you even if nothing is going on with his ex.” ~ RawrBez
“I mean, I would have been gone after he cheated the first time!”
“Had OP not stayed then, she might not have a child and a business with this guy.” ~ turBo246
“He’s emotionally abusing you and clearly f*cking his ex while you are supposed to stay at home and say nothing just be the good little wife you are.”
“Get all important documents and money together and slowly and silently start packing up your stuff.”
“DON’T WALK AWAY, RUN LIKE F*CKING GUMP!” ~ Pebble-hunter
“As a man, I agree this is correct. It is enough of a reason to walk away. What a twit!” ~ AutoXCivic
“He’s still banging the ex. The ex just doesn’t want to deal with his alpha male control issues, so she sends him home to you, but they bang when it is convenient for her.” ~ handsheal
“He is shutting you down.. disregarding your feelings.. and not giving you a safe space for your femininity (to use his new vernacular).”
“Leave this man… he’s already cheated once, he’s proven he’s not safe or reliable.” ~ VictoryDecent
“He’s more than likely cheating again—that’s why he won’t show you his phone. He has double standards and is mentally abusing you.”
“He’s not worth staying for, brings nothing to the relationship. Leave now and don’t look back. NTAH your husband is a huge A**HOLE!” ~ OkieLady-1952
“NTA and work on an exit strategy. He doesn’t want a wife; he wants a maid and nanny with benefits.” ~ PurpleEmotional1401
“NTA. Honestly, it’s past time to leave. None of this is acceptable.”
“Please leave and enjoy living again. It’s time to laugh and dance whenever you want.” ~ EgweneS
“NTA! Contact a very good lawyer asap, he will ruin you, he doesn’t love or respect you, he wants to control you. There are no healthy boundaries at all. I’m speaking from experience, so please contact a lawyer. There’s a big possibility he has never stopped cheating on you.” ~ Low_Speed_4488
“This is emotional abuse. Get your papers and your children’s papers together. Save some money. Slowly move your important stuff out of your home to somewhere safe. Call the domestic abuse hotline for more information. Leave while he’s at work.” ~ Emergency_Pipe_7010
“Yeah, and document everything you can in the meantime. Screenshots, notes with dates, anything that shows the pattern. Having that record can be crucial.” ~ Proper_Area6443
“The pattern matters more than any single issue. He cheated before, still has unclear boundaries with his ex, limits your role with his kids, and shuts down your voice when you raise concerns.”
“That combination creates an environment where you carry responsibility, but have no authority or security. That is not a balanced partnership.” ~ Brilliant-Curve5702
“NTA, he is the one who cheated, but you are the one who has to be fully transparent with phone checks, location sharing, and recitation of your day’s events? Oh hell no.”
“That in and of itself is end-worthy, but his also putting you in a position to parent children you hold no authority over, and his misogyny are too. This man is trash. Leave him.” ~ Ill_Reading_5290
“Not dumping him when he cheated on you with his ex was the first mistake you made. He either nevef stopped or has started again.”
“He wants you to care for his children, but not discipline them. He wants you to share your phone, but won’t reciprocate. He’s ground you down until you are a shell of your former self. That is what abusive partners do.”
“Walk away. NTA.” ~ DaniCapsFan
“You do not ‘have to’ give him full access to your phone, share your location, recount your day. You are an adult with your own agency.”
“Make plans to leave, make them secretly, get another mobile and don’t tell him about it, open a bank account in your own name, secure your passport and credit cards; then leave while he is visiting his ex.”
“Then file for divorce; then block him. This excuse for a man is abusing you. Get away from him ASAP.” ~ grruser
“NTA. Turn off your location services and pass lock your phone. He deserves nothing just because ‘he’s the man’.”
“What complete bullsh*t he is spewing. Hopefully, your business is not your only source of income. First chance you have, you need to go through his phone and have yours ready to take pics of what you find.” ~ TSharer525
“Time for a divorce..I did not need to make it past ‘he cheated on me’.”
“He is still cheating. Late night texts… phone secrecy… hyper vigilant about you.”
“There is a zero chance I’m letting a cheater look at my phone when his is still private. He is projecting because he is a cheater.” ~ QuickSquirrelchaser
“NTA for wanting to leave. But after this, stay out of relationships for a while. You married this guy and dragged your kids into the mix after only a year of knowing him.”
“I’m assuming the first husband wasn’t a winner either. Don’t bring your kids into another dysfunctional relationship since it’s obvious your man picker is broken.”
“Get therapy and focus on your kids instead of your love life for a while.” ~ ItJustWontDo242
Hopefully OP got the boost she needed to launch this man out of her life.