Motherhood is hard, especially in the early days after giving birth.
Redditor pragmaticsearch was asked by her husband to host his family after giving birth just two weeks prior.
Her reaction led her to subReddit “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) for feedback.
The Original Poster (OP) asked,
“AITA for not doing anything ‘hostess-y’ for my in-laws visit, given I’m 3 weeks postpartum?”
She went on to explain.
“My husband’s family lives on the other side of the country.”
“We had our first child at the height of Covid, so my husband’s parents, sister, and her family did not meet him in person until his first birthday.”
“I just delivered our second two weeks ago, and my husband’s family (four adults and three kids) asked if they could all visit during spring break to see the baby (which is the end of next week). I said OK.”
“Although the seven of them would be staying at an Airbnb, I know they will be spending all day every day at our home to see the kids.”
“I told my husband to make sure they know we will be ordering in every meal, and beyond eggs and cereal and some drinks and snacks (i.e., chips and fruit), I wasn’t planning to get much else.”
“I’m also tired and up with the baby all night. I’m still trying to get breastfeeding established, and I’m exhausted at the very thought of 7 people being in my house every day for a week while I’m trying to nurse and rest and manage a toddler’s big emotions around a new sibling.”
“His response was, ‘Well, we are going to need X and X for my parents and X for the kids, and I was thinking one day I can make X.’”
“And he started describing needing to get the ‘best’ bread and the ‘best’ cheese… all of which would involve him taking trips to numerous stores and being gone for hours when I need help.”
“He even said he was going to ask my dad (who occasionally buys us some specialty grocery stuff that I ask for and drops it off) to pick up a bunch of items for them.”
“At this point, I got really mad. I said, ‘I am not trying to go above and beyond here and play host when I’m three weeks postpartum.’”
“‘They can eat the stuff from the grocery store even if it’s not the best and deal for five days.’ He then told me I sound spiteful.”
“I am also frustrated because when his family visits, my husband checks out a bit…”
“He plays with his nephews and chats for hours with his BIL, and I know I’m going to end up being the one setting out snacks, tidying up, etc. while the [in-laws] just want to hold the baby… which honestly is not helpful to me.”
“He seems more concerned with his family having fun, the visit being a good time, and with them being comfortable than with me getting what I need.”
“I’m worried he isn’t going to have my back, so I will have to be the one to draw hard lines with his family to protect myself and my own well-being.”
“We got in a big fight about it. I yelled at him and am not really talking to him now. They show up next week, and I’m feeling a lot of anger and resentment about it.”
“So… am I the a**hole for not ‘lifting a finger’ for my visitors?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
“NTA, omg, THEY should be helping you!!!” – Hot-Plum-874
“NTA. The phrase I’ve heard and is so true is that with a newborn, you need staff, not guests.”
“The husband is def an A-H for this. This mom is three weeks postpartum, and the last thing they need (husband included), is family/kids in their house all day who expect anything.”
“If you’re the visitor in this situation and not helping, you’re not helping by being there.” – Jean-PaultheCat
“OP should take the kids over to their Airbnb to visit with them and come back home with the kids after 2 hours 2 a day.”
“Hubby can ensure that the Airbnb is kitted out with the best that he buys and he can of course cook there and spend as much time there as he needs and then come back and help you in the evenings/mornings.”
“You will get much-needed downtime (leave your toddler with them and go back with baby) without having to disrupt your life.”
“NTA” – Turbulent_Patience_3
“relatives that visit during the fourth trimester are there to help or show themselves tf out.”
“anything you do beyond letting them take care of everything they are capable of physically doing is supremely gracious.”
“NTA” – Resitance_Cat
“It takes 6-8 weeks for the body to recover from regular, uncomplicated birth.”
“So, in addition to nursing the newborn, while – presumably – taking care of your older kid, your body is still healing. You cannot be expected to play hostess.”
“Your husband is understandably excited by his relatives’ arrival and wants to put his best foot forward – but you cannot be involved in the preparation for the visit.”
“So – let him do as much as he is comfortable doing *on his own*.”
“Let him buy the best cheese money can get. Also, let *him* plan the visits and order food (don’t you have enough on your hands right now?).”
“And ask him to remind his relatives that they will have to help with prep and cleanup (if he feels it would be too much for him).”
“If he has problems with any of this, refer him to the Guidelines of the American Association for Obstetrics and Gynecology, which define recovery period as the first six weeks after birth (8, if it was a c-section):”
“https://americanpregnancy.org/healthy-pregnancy/first-year-of-life/postpartum-recovery/” – Ok_Bookkeeper_3481
She went on to add a few things.
“Really grateful for the support. I honestly didn’t know if I was just being hormonal or if I was justified in being annoyed with my husband.”
“Wanted to clarify a few things in response to some of the comments.”
-
“My ILs have not said that they expect us to do anything or asked for anything; my husband is the one indicating we should be playing host to them while they’re here.”
“So maybe they will show up with sleeves rolled up.”
“If past visits are any indication, I don’t think that will be the case – as any ‘help’ they provide (or try to instruct their kids to provide) ends up being more work for me than help.”
-
“My MIL has an autoimmune disease and is blind. She will be unable to help, and I absolutely don’t expect anything from her.”
“My FIL takes care of her needs. I know all she wants is to hold her granddaughter as a newborn (since she can’t see her on FT), which she wasn’t able to do with my older one.”
“I fully understand and support this. But I also feel guilty because I don’t want her in the house 8 hours a day for five days straight. That’s… a lot.”
-
“I have asked them all to take Covid tests before flying, to wear masks in the airport and on the plane, and that when they are directly holding the baby, they also wear a mask.”
“I know they will respect those rules because my MIL also has an autoimmune disease, so they’re used to taking extra health precautions.”
Reddit continued to weigh in.
“NTA. Tell him the division of labor is that you take care of the baby, and he takes care of the house and guests.”
“If he refuses, offer to switch. He can do all the feeding and changing and lose sleep nightly. No? Then he can take care of the house and guests.” – wee_idjit
“NTA. If your husband wants to have his family entertained, then he has to entertain them. That means cooking for them, serving them, cleaning up after them.” – maisiecooper
“NTA-You are three weeks post delivery. I think it’s nice of you to even let them visit right now TBH.” – BuildingBridges23
“NTA at all. Husband should take toddler to visit at their airbnb some days or for a fancy dinner if they feel the need.”
“Or if you’re comfortable, have the in-laws take toddler to the park, out to their Airbnb, etc.”
“Sure, they want to see the baby, but they truly do not need to be there 24/7. You and the baby are still going to need lots of 1 on 1 time and rest. You don’t need a bustling house as well.”
“I’m sorry your husband doesn’t see it this way. When my in-laws visited at three weeks I still felt a bit overwhelmed, but I was cleaning zero and cooking zero.”
“My MIL took care of so much & they left us with groceries and a clean house.” – beansareso_
“NTA. My in-laws came by when I was three days postpartum and my dog was actively dying.”
“I told them there was a fresh pot of coffee if they’d like some, and my mother-in-law asked for tea instead. I was pissed.”
“There is absolutely no way I would be willing to perform hostess-y for that many people, and you really shouldn’t be expected to.” – magaroni-and-cheese
Hopefully, this new mom was able to enjoy a peaceful visit after her husband reads this thread.