Personal and financial boundaries are so important for the success of a relationship. They truly can make or break the trust between people.
If those boundaries are violated, it hurts on several levels. Especially in the case of financial boundaries. That can set us back personally and have several consequences for years.
So Redditor angrymomtummytuck found out after her husband crossed one of those boundaries. In order to seek feedback on her reaction, she went to the popular subReddit “Am I The A**hole?” or “AITA.”
“AITA for being angry at my husband for spending my tummy tuck money?”
She began with a quick rundown of why she needed the surgery in the first place:
“My husband (37) and I (35) have been together for just over 11 years. We have 3 beautiful children. Before we were engaged we talked about having babies.”
“I said I always wanted to be a mom BUT I will be getting the ‘mommy makeover package’ after I’m done. This is a tummy tuck and possible breast lift.”
“I was very clear that I would want us to start saving as soon as I was pregnant with the first baby.”
“First pregnancy hits, and it hits hard and true to our promise, we start saving. After my first child was born we found out my abdominal muscles had separated and needed to be repaired surgically.”
“This is essential a tummy tuck. Since giving birth to my first I have experienced horrible back pain and back spasms due to the separation, but we wait and had 2 more babies.”
Now that time has passed, our original poster, or OP, approached her husband again about the surgery only to find him hostile.
“My youngest is now almost 1 year old so I brought up the surgery to my husband. He asked me if I was sure I wanted the surgery.”
“Lol yes, I am VERY SURE. He asks me why I want it, which I found insane since I have been talking about it for 8 years straight.”
“I told him 1. I look pregnant all the time due to the separation and I hate it. It makes me feel awful and sad and 2. The pain was getting unbearable (even with therapy).”
“Well he tells me I’m being very vain and that he doesn’t think I should have it, he completely ignored the pain part. I start to get confused and ask to see the account where it’s being saved (to clarify, we are both on this account but it was never linked to my online banking.”
“I saw the balance last month at 15k). He became silent and left the house.”
“I was very very confused so I called up the bank. They told me the account had under 1k left.”
After finding out her husband had betrayed her like this, she got very upset.
“I burst into hysterical tears and call my husband. He answered and didn’t say anything.”
“I unload on him about being betrayed by the person I trust the most in the world and ask where the hell the money went. He said he was under a lot of stress with the kids (I am a Stay-At-Home-Mom and do EVERYTHING) so he wanted to treat himself and bought a computer for his office.”
After this, her sadness turned into several different things at once.
“I told him not to come home and he hasn’t yet. The thing is, he is an excellent daddy and husband and this is very out of the blue.”
“It has made me so upset that I texted him I wanted a divorce since I seem to not matter. He texted me back saying no divorce but it was his money anyway.”
“This has damaged us to a level I never thought we could get to.”
Now she’s stuck with no idea what to do.
“My MIL called me and told me to kick him out but my own family (especially mother) is saying she’s very disappointed in me and thinks I am vain and shallow.”
“I just want to look normal and play with my babies with no pain.”
Anonymous strangers on the internet were asked to decide if and where guilt belongs by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Everyone is in unanimous agreement our OP is not only not at fault, but the husband is likely hiding something deeper.
“‘He texted me back saying no divorce but it was his money anyway’.”
“Two things there:”
“He doesn’t get to decide ‘no divorce.’ If one spouse wants a divorce, there will be a divorce. It’s easier if both spouses agree, but no one can be forced to stay married.”
“It wasn’t ‘his’ money. You’re married. It’s ‘both of your’ money, both legally and morally.”
“You need to scrutinize his spending over the last month. Get the bank statements. Look at the credit card bills.”
“A top of the line, bleeding edge gaming PC might run you $3,000 – $4,000, and that’s an exorbitant amount to spend on a PC. There is absolutely no chance that he spent $14,000 on ‘a computer for his office.’ None. Zero.”
“You need to find out what the hell he did with that money. Gambling? Strip clubs? Bad investments?”
“Something extremely shady is going on here, and you need to get to the bottom of it.”~MultiFazed
“NTA, I also think he is lying about what the money was used for. Maybe a debt or gambling addiction?”
“Also if it was in a joint account the money was both of yours, not just his, so his reasoning doesn’t even make sense.”
“As you are in pain, could you get the surgery funded by your insurance as it is a medical issue and not only one of appearance?”~Myrania
“NTA, he should have at least said he was going to use it.”
“I would keep appealing with the insurance. Often times they’ll refuse several times or require multiple Dr’s to submit it for approval to make sure your Dr isn’t trying to get insurance to cover something that is actually cosmetic.”
“There’s usually a process that needs to be documented before they’ll approve it as medically necessary. Same thing as a breast reduction, it’s considered cosmetic until there’s a specific amount of time the person has complained of pain to their Dr and gotten PT or had other documented issues related to it before they’ll pay.”~1976Raven
“NTA. While I have been lurking for months, I joined Reddit just so that I could comment on your post.”
“Others have given you really good advice about securing documents and checking statements, but do you have his Social Security number or your country’s equivalent? I suggest checking his credit history to see if there are any unpleasant surprises that may explain why he felt entitled to take the money that the two of you have been saving for so many years.”
“I am sorry that this is happened to you. Try to get some rest, both for yourself and your children.”~activelurker777
After all, what computer costs over $14,000?
“NTA – Also, as others have said, it’s HIGHLY unlikely that he spent all $14,000 on a computer. Not impossible (if he purchased a top notch custom gaming computer) but very very unlikely. I think you need to figure out exactly where this money went, and I’d start by demanding to see, in person, this supposed insanely priced computer.”
“And if by some miracle he actually does have it, I’m not saying it’ll fix everything or even anything. But if he’s even remotely sorry, he can start by selling it and giving the money back to you. It’s the least he can do.”~Slurav
“NTA I literally just told my husband your story and he’s been BEGGING for a gaming PC. He is HORRIFIED on your behalf. He’s been scoping out prices and he says the most top of the line ones as 5-7k. I am so sorry OP.”~lo1988
“Definitely NTA. Plastic surgery is in such a stigmatized field, regardless if someone wanted to get surgery based on functionality or comestic reasons, it’s their choice to make. Incredibly selfish and immature of him to take the money out to prevent you from doing something you wanted for years and reserved money for that purpose.”
“Also, there’s no way he spent over $14k solely on a computer. That definitely needs to be looked into.”~ketchupdropper
“It isn’t vain to get a tummy tuck. People deserve to feel good about themselves, even if it means they want to surgically enhance something. Some people feel empowered by looking a certain way and others don’t and that’s okay. They also deserve to live as pain free as possible.”
“What kind of computer is he buying that he spent $14,000? No one in a marriage should be making that sort of financial decision in secret. I think something else happened.”
“He doesn’t get to decide if you stay in the marriage. Do I think your first step should be divorce? No. I think you guys both need therapy. BUT it’s not my decision and he doesn’t get to unilaterally decide ‘no divorce.'”
“He doesn’t respect you or the effort you put into the family if it’s ‘his money.'”~AGirlHasNoName2018
Then, OP hit us with a shocking update:
“He texted me ‘I am so sorry honey. I lost my mind for no reason at all. When I married you I said in sickness and in health and I broke that promise. The money is sitting in my account still and I will move it back tomorrow morning as soon as I can.”
“We talked about the recovery time for surgery and the time I needed to take off to watch the kids and run the house. It has made me panic a great deal so I moved it thinking you wouldn’t mind me spending it and we just save up again. I did it out of panic and frustrations and did not expect you to find out so soon.”
“I planned on returning it and telling you what I did and why. I understand if you want a divorce and to leave me behind. I am staying with Nathaniel tonight sweetheart. Rest and I will fix it all tomorrow i promise you. You will have the surgery you wanted. I am a selfish stupid man and I hope you can forgive me.”
“For the first time in my relationship with this man, I don’t believe a f***king word he wrote. He always told me I had it easy not working and now he’s saying he can’t handle a week in my shoes??? I feel ice cold towards my husband and it is a sick feeling. My dad and aunt (police officer) are coming to stay the night. I will think long and hard about this relationship and everything I read here.”
OP’s trust toward her husband has been undoubtedly broken.
In order for this relationship to heal, what will need to happen? The money and the surgery are a good start.
But what about the deep issues of trust that OP and her husband will likely never fix unless they put in some serious work? We wish them well out of a difficult situation that could have been avoided.