Having awkward conversations about other people’s kids is sometimes unavoidable.
The truth isn’t always fun.
These situations can be especially difficult when the chatter is about a stepchild, with the observations coming from a stepparent.
Family is family.
But that also means the slings and arrows can sting more.
A deleted Redditor wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for telling my husband his daughter is embarrassing me?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Yesterday I (30 F[emale]) was chilling at home with my M[other]-I[n]-L[aw], talking and drinking coffee.”
“When my husband (37 M[ale]) arrived, he asked me if I would take his daughter (12 F) shopping for a dress.”
“A little bit of context: when he was younger, my husband had a relationship with a woman, let’s call her Sarah, and they had Mary as their daughter.”
“He was having his rebel phase, going against his parents with this relationship, but it did not last.”
“He realized they are way too different as individuals and broke up when Mary was 3.”
“I met my husband 6 years ago, and we got married 4 years ago.”
“Our relationship is amazing, and I get along extremely well with my I[n]-L[aws].”
“I was immediately accepted into the family, and my MIL treats and introduces me to people as her daughter.”
“As you can imagine, this has caused a lot of drama with Sarah because she never received the same treatment from the family, but truthfully speaking, she is not someone you wish to have in your social circle.”
“Mary and I get along well.’
“Everyone is on the same page that she has a mother and that I am not trying to replace her; I am just her father’s wife.”
“However, she spends most of her time with her mom, and Sarah is teaching her extreme hippie crap like she should not abide by the expectations society has on women.”
“She should not feel pressured to act, look, or behave as what society considers acceptable and so on.”
“Mary, therefore, is allowed by her mom to not shower for days in a row, wear dirty clothes, and not brush her teeth or hair.”
“This has become her way of living because she refuses to shower or dress properly all the time.”
“It pains me to say, but she could pass as a homeless child if you see her on the street due to her appearance.”
“Back to yesterday, one month from now the entire family will attend a gala where my husband will receive an award.”
“It’s an important moment in his career, and he asked me if I would go with his daughter to buy a dress for the event.”
“I told him honestly that I prefer not to.”
“I explained that I really feel embarrassed being seen with Mary in public.”
“She dresses horribly and most of the time her clothes are dirty, she stinks and does not brush her hair. “
“MIL agreed and mentioned to my husband that it would be best if Mary did not attend this event because she would make us look bad in front of all the people that would be present.”
“I was on my MIL’s side.”
“Husband was sad but he also agreed with us and mentioned he would think about it.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole.
“YTA- you’re focused on appearance/how others will see you, instead of the situation at hand.”
“This child is being neglected in terms of personal hygiene.”
“Bad teeth care will likely cause horrible problems down the line (e.g. cavities, losing teeth, etc.).”
“She is a little girl.”
“She doesn’t know better.”
“She is just following the guidance of her mom.”
“When you’re a kid, you don’t know better.”
“You see embarrassment.”
“I see neglect.”
“Why is your husband not doing anything when she is in his care?”
“Why is your husband not petitioning the court to get more time with her?”
“Is it because you’re too worried about appearance?”
“Maybe look in the mirror and see what you’re missing, respectfully.”
“This girl deserves better care; I hope y’all do something✨💜.” ~ wxst3d
“MIL loves OP so much because both despise Mary’s existence.”
“OP for her not being a pretty little doll with plastic smooth skin, and MIL hates her because she’s a constant reminder of when her precious son went against her wishes. YTA.” ~ ASweetTweetRose
“I hate to break this to you but a lack of hygiene isn’t a feminist position.”
“Your comments about her needing to be clean because she is a young woman, are reinforcing her misconceptions of what feminism is.”
“All people need to be hygienic, perhaps if you focus on that, rather than ‘be clean because you are a girl’ she will feel less rebellious.”
“Your obvious sexism is just as unhelpful as her mother’s crazy definition of feminism. YTA.” ~ Homologous_Trend
“ESH. I get that lack of hygiene in a teenager is icky whatever the reason, but OP seems more concerned about herself and her dislike of Sarah than concerned about Mary.”
“I’m getting power struggle vibes.” ~ Mean_Breakfast_4081
“YTA. Because you and your husband just ‘talk’ about it.”
“Go for full custody of the child.”
“You don’t just talk you do something about it.” ~ momofklcg
“YTA since you are worried about looking bad instead of addressing the child abuse that is happening to the child.” ~ tbeauli74
“YTA she’s your husband’s child.”
“It’s his fault if she’s not presentable and you and MIL are despicable for talking that was about a child.” ~ thenexttimebandit
“Instead of trying to disinvite this poor child from an important event, It could be explained to the child that the event has rules of dress and hygiene so it is up to them if they want to attend.”
“But you would really like to have them there, and you’d be happy to take them to get a beautiful garment of their choosing and help them with the rest.”
“But no, apparently the answer is to disinvite the child instead of actually being helpful.”
“I also agree with the people saying that this seems like an unreliable narrator from the way she treats her partner like a helpless child who had a baby young when they were a full 25-year-old man. YTA.” ~ BojackTrashMan
“YTA. It is absolutely wretched to be embarrassed of a 12-year-old child and even worse to tell her father you’re embarrassed by her.”
“Your comment about how you will be perceived taking a girl who is ‘wearing baggy, ugly thrift store clothes’ while you’re carrying a ‘designer bag’ isn’t what will make you seem like the ‘evil stepmom’ and she is seen as ‘Cinderella.’”
“It’s the fact that you are behaving like one that will do that.”
“Nobody at the mall gives a flying f*ck about your designer bag or her baggy clothes.”
“One of my dearest friends owns a high-end formal clothing store.”
“One where you don’t shop without an appointment and aren’t walking out the door spending less than 4 figures on anything and are likely spending at least 5.”
“Most of the girls her age who walk in have messy hair and are wearing sweats or leggings and oversized tees.”
“And you somehow don’t think you can take a 12-year-old to a mall without being humiliated?”
“It’s a mall, for f*cks sake.”
“It’s not Henri Bendel or Oscar de la Renta.” ~ Acrobatic_Hippo_9593
“‘Help! A 12-year-old acts looks, and smells like a 12-year-old near me! What do I do!? What will the neighbors think??!!'”
“YTA.” ~ Amazing-Quarter1084
“If you go through the comment – while OP’s stepkid could do with upping up her hygiene, the opening post is grossly exaggerated.”
“The kid seems to do well in school, going to dentists, etc. – what she occasionally does is wear a shirt two to three times a row which while not great is hardly making you look like you live in skid row.”
“OP comes off as snobby and is clearly looking down on the kid’s mom/the kid.”
“‘Classy ladies’ (like you have called yourself, OP) don’t need to look down on others.”
“You are creating a problem where there isn’t any and you are not classy. YTA.” ~ Pellinaha
“She is 12 and this is neglect.”
“You need to look after her.”
“Why not wash her clothes when she is asleep?”
“Encourage her to shower and maybe treat her to a wash and blow dry at a salon.”
“Make her feel special.” ~ SurroundMiserable262
“YTA… terrible stepmother, terrible grandmother, and terrible father.”
“She needs care, and you want to neglect her because you find her embarrassing.”
“Teach her that personal hygiene is important and healthy.” ~ ADroplet
“YTA. Everyone is being judgemental about a child.”
“And now you’re all excluding her because you’re embarrassed.”
“When this kid goes N[o] C[ontact] with her dad, it’ll be your fault.”
“And I can’t believe her grandmother is in on it too.” ~ SuspiciousZombie788
“YTA. From your comments, it sounds like she just doesn’t fit your aesthetic.” ~ ethereal_galaxias
OP came back with a big update…
“I wrote yesterday the initial post and it blew out of proportion.”
“The number of comments was really overwhelming, but I sincerely thank you for your help and all the useful comments and messages you sent me.”
“I will clarify some of the most commonly asked questions…”
“First of all, I apologize if I offended people by mentioning the hippie feminist part.”
“I do not think that all feminists have poor hygiene, and I admit it was bad wording on my part.”
“Being a feminist is what Mary’s mother uses to describe herself and justify her parenting style.”
“No, Mary is not a mixed race, and she and her mother are not of a different ethnicity.”
“Some people found that showering for 2-3 days is not a problem.”
“Mary spends every 2 weekends with my husband in our house and so during his time he picks her up on Friday and drops her off on Sunday.”
“I noticed that during her time with us, those 2-3 days she refuses to shower but I have no idea what she is doing when she is with her mother.”
“For those saying it is not that bad and I am overreacting, I am actually not.”
“2-3 days going without a shower may not be a problem when you are an adult that spends the day working in an office and moving around in a car with AC.”
“But for a 12-year-old who has a lot of activities, hormonal changes, and does not wear deodorant, trust me it is bad.”
“As 12 years old Mary is not to blame for for lack of hygiene.”
“I agree, her parents are to blame and I understand that my husband needs to step up or decide what he wants to do.”
“Many people asked why I don’t take Mary with me for a girl’s day, spa, mani-pedi. “
“Her mother does not agree with it.”
“She expressed multiple times that (in her opinion) the women in our family promote unhealthy women standards and she forbids her daughter ever engage in such activities.”
“What was my stance and input in helping Mary?”
“As most of you probably realized, I don’t have many options at hand.”
“I have bought her a lot of natural, organic, vegan, and cruelty-free products.”
“I have read and explained each label to her but she does not want to use them.”
“I don’t think Mary is being abused or neglected by her mother in a traditional way that C[hild] P[rotective] S[ervices] could be involved.”
“She is not neglected, she is just given too much power to decide as a 12-year-old over her hygiene.”
“Why I am so concerned for my image and reputation – because this is how I was raised and I refuse to have my reputation damaged in our social circle due to a kid that it’s not even mine and due to the lack of involvement from her parents.”
“My MIL is not influencing me at all, we just share the same opinions, values, and concerns.”
“That being said, today I will sit my husband down and have a conversation with him.”
“I will clearly inform him what my stance over this entire situation is and what I expect to happen.”
“The rest is up to him to decide.”
Reddit has taken issue with your choices.
However, your update explains a bit more.
It’s time for your hubby to step up.
And maybe you could try and help shield Mary from any fallout.
Good luck.