We often find ourselves at a loss for words when someone near and dear to us has suffered a loss.
Knowing full well that our words can't really change how they are feeling, or put an end to their grief.
Even so, we still find ourselves compelled to say something.
Though what we say might turn out to be the very last thing our friends want to hear.
Redditor PsychologicalAct8310 had recently suffered a devastating loss, prompting a friend to comfort her.
Unfortunately, the original poster (OP)'s friend ended up doing anything but comforting her, even resulting in the OP making something of a scene.
Having doubts about her behavior, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for reacting badly to my friend's religious remark at a funeral?"
The OP explained why she lost her temper with her friend:
"My (24 F[emale]) friend (25F) came to the funeral for my mom, who died of cancer around Christmas time."
"She came over to me to give me her condolences and asked about the details of how my mom passed."
"I told her it was my mom's second battle with cancer and how she had lots of complications."
"She said 'I'm so glad nothing like that has ever happened to me or my family. We're blessed and highly favored. God doesn't play about us'."
"This made me extremely angry."
"I said 'Glad to know your God plays about my family and all the other people in the world dying of cancer'."
"I caused a scene and got really upset."
"She and her family said I'm wrong for attacking someone just being kind and offering their condolences, and that's probably why God didn't look after my Mom."
"I said I want them gone from the funeral."
"Since then, I haven't spoken to them or any of the people defending them."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for yelling at her friend.
Everyone agreed that the comments made by the OP's friends were selfish and insensitive, with many urging the OP to seriously consider cutting off all contact with this "friend."
"NTA."
"Your ex-friend is an a**hole."- Gullible_Bar_7019
"NTA."
"What she said was inappropriate."
"The funeral wasn't about her or her family."
"Plus, there was the implication that there was a reason her family is 'favored' or that yours is not."
"At least that's how I took it."- shroomie19
"She wasn't being kind at all."
"I lost my mother to cancer 15 short months ago, and if anyone had said something like that to me then I wouldn't have been responsible for my actions."
"Remove these people from your life completely OP, you don't need sanctimonious religious people telling you that you've somehow 'failed' their god."
"A hard NTA."- Buck_Slamchest
"What in the prosperity gospel F*CK was that?"
"Wow, absolutely NTA!"
"I would immediately drop someone from being my friend if they said that at my mom's funeral and didn't apologize."
"Your friend has an unbelievably toxic worldview and absolutely no social skills or empathy."-BlaineTog
"NTA."
"She wasn;t being 'kind' she was as being self-righteous, and your mothers funeral is not the time to be rubbing your religion in someone's face."
"Your friend isn't a very good friend."-Halatir
"Her family doubling down and implying your mom got cancer because you're rude is wild."
"NTA, of course."
"Close relatives of the deceased have the right to make a scene if they want."- wren_boy1313
"NTA, she wasn't being kind; she was rubbing it in your face."
"My only suggestion is that you openly and publicly spread why you wanted them gone, so that they cannot change the narrative behind your back."
"Make sure everyone knows that this is not a nice person."- analogascension
"NTA."
"Never speak to them again."
"Those weren't condolences, they weren't nice, kind, supporting or anything."
"Your friend was cruel and insensitive, and deserves to be booted from your life."- katbelleinthedark
"No."
"Absolutely NTA."
"It's hard to justify what she said."
"She wasn't being nice, she was essentially saying God cares more about her family than yours which is honestly disgusting, and her family is the same for justifying it and not apologizing."
"Your friend sounds like a narcissist and clearly has no understanding of the religion they claim to follow."- DapperNoodle2
"NTA."
"Can't wait to see the karma her 'God' delivers later down the line."
"I'm petty enough to keep this in my back pocket for whenever something shit happens to her."
"Shame 'God' couldn't have blessed her family with more than one brain cell to have the tact and compassion to know not to say something so sh*tty."
"I'm so sorry about your mom."- JBB2002902
"NTA."
'just being kind'... Nope."
"There's nothing 'kind' about telling someone their family member died because 'God was playing games'."
"Personally, I've found it's best to leave religion and personal beliefs out of the conversation when offering condolences."
"'My condolences on your loss. Please let me know if you need anything. I'm just a phone call away'."- SigSauerPower320
"'I'm so glad I don't suffer as much as you do!'"
"How is that being kind?"
"NTA."- Argorian17
"As a catholic, uuuhh NTA."
"That's not okay to say and such a weird thing to think."
"It's not even biblical."- Independent-Ant513
"Absolutely NTA, who says something like that at someone's funeral?"
"Willing to bet her family didn't hear the entire actual comment, or they probably (hopefully!) wouldn't be defending her."
"My deepest condolences for your loss."- EeveeBailey
"NTA."
"I'm so sorry you're having to deal with these AHs during your time of loss."
"Your friend's smugness and lack of kindness are so uncharitable and, dare I say, unchristian."-wharleeprof
"Absolutely NTA I'm sorry you had to deal with such a sh*t person on such a hard day."
"Condolences to you and your family."- A-Lame-Joke
"I'm really sorry for your loss, NTA."
"She was totally out of line, good on u for telling her off."- tofurkey_
"NTA."
"She wasn't being kind or offering her condolences."
"She was telling you that God likes her family more than yours, and (by extension) that it's your mum's fault she died because she didn't curry enough favor with God."
"I wouldn't be speaking to her again either - it's absolutely unforgivable to come out with a line like that."
"If she actually wanted to offer her condolences, she'd tell you 'I'm so sorry for your loss, I'll be praying for your mum and the whole family'."- PetersMapProject
"NTA."
"I'm religious, and that was so seriously inappropriate and wrong for her to say."
"Her theology and her social skills both suck."
"My sympathies on the loss of your mom."
"F*ck cancer."- jonesnori
"NTA."
"I am very sorry for your loss."
"Their behavior was not very Christian-like at all, and I say that as a minister."
"God doesn't signal people out like tha,t and her to imply that is blasphemy."
"God doesn't seek to punish his children."
"I know it's probably not very comforting at the moment, but it's more likely your mom was called home to end her suffering and for her to have eternal life in the Kingdom of Heaven without the pain and suffering she had in her Earthly body."
"You will often hear people ask why a person just isn't cured and it's a good question and unfortunately it's one that I can't answer."
"I can however pray that in time your pain will lessen and that you can begin healing."
"Don't let others tell you how long to grieve or tell you that it's been long enough, move on."
"Grief has no timeline, and it's never the same for everyone."
"You can keep her memory alive by sharing stories and documenting what you remember now, as sometimes those memories fade."
"NTA by your acquaintance, who definitely is not a friend, surely was."- 4N6momma
"NTA."
"I am sorry for your loss."
"Your 'friend' and those defending her statement are TA."
"Sickness is not a punishment from God as some people like to claim."
"Will she be looking for fault in her family when someone falls ill?"
"Doubtful."
"Please take care of yourself, get some grief therapy, and keep moving forward without those people in your life."
"You deserve friends who are caring and compassionate, and those people aren't."- SensibleFriend
"NTA."
"Your friend is an absolute AH of course."
"Even if you do believe in God, that's not how things work."
"Next time they pull something like that, ask them why God 'favors' their family but allows little innocent kids all over the world to get horrific diseases and get assaulted by adults."
"Let them justify that one."- Carma56
Finding words of comfort is far more difficult than we think it will be.
That being said, it's hard to imagine how the OP's friend could have possibly felt that what she said would bring any comfort or relief to the OP.
In fact, anyone with an accurate understanding of Christianity would know that her words were the last thing a good Christian would say...
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp