Some people are just a drag. They change the atmosphere with their negativity, complaining or criticizing constantly.
At times, others are forced to spend time with them because of their job or familial obligations. But if there's a chance to avoid them, people take it.
Yet somehow, the person dragging everyone down rarely realizes they're the problem—even when they're told why no one wants to be around them.
A woman with a person she'd prefer to avoid turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
PenNeat5247 asked:
"AITA for not inviting my sister-in-law (SIL) to an event I know she would have enjoyed because she's too judgy?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I've always wanted to like my SIL Macey, but she's judgy about weird sh*t, like, oh, it's superficial to get a designer bag when you should just go to the thrift store and get a $2 bag."
"But spending $600 on collectibles is okay. They're BOTH fine. Sadly, this makes her the perfect partner for my brother. You can imagine the kind of personality he has."
"The best example was when my sister Bee and her wife and a bunch of their friends were going to the Eras tour a few years ago. They're all queer women too, so they love Taylor Swift."
"Macey thought that because I didn't go I would be 'on her side' and sh*t talk them, call them vapid, and stupid cult members. I said I didn't go because I'm just.. not a fan."
"I said she was behaving like a mean girl and to stop. She took offense because SHE was the victim of bullying as a kid."
"I said, 'well, I guess you didn't learn from it because look at who you've become'. She wouldn't talk to me for months."
"Well, a few weeks ago, I got a ton of free tickets to the Renaissance festival. I invited Bee and some other friends."
"Macey has said in the past she loves Ren Fests. She loves to get dressed up in period accurate costumes."
"I asked Bee if we should invite Macey and Bee said no—Macey would inevitably make some snarky comments about costumes not being accurate or something and ruin the mood for everyone. I thought about it, and in the end agreed."
"We had a lot of fun seeing everyone's costumes. There were a lot of very intricate ones, but also ones that looked like Spirit Halloween costumes and I just know she would've had something to say."
"Bee posted pics, Macey saw, and asked us why we didn't invite her. In the end, I told her that it was because I never knew what she was going to judge next."
"She said that we were bullying her. Bee brought up the Eras tour thing and how nasty Macey was about it and Macey defended herself by saying she never said that stuff TO her and I was wrong for telling her in the first place."
"My brother thinks we should have invited Macey and that we've gone out of our way to not be supportive and make her part of the family. I've literally had her over for baking Xmas cookies, movies, brunch."
"She's never returned the favor. I just did not want to have a day where the mood was soured because of someone being judgy."
"He did not care about Macey ragging on Bee, either."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I didn't invite my sister-in-law to an outing that I knew she would have liked."
"This was purposely excluding her from something that she liked, and sending a message that we don't like her, which made her feel bad."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. And I love Macey's 'justification' of since she didn't say something to someone's face, then it didn't matter." ~ One_Ad_704
"Right‽ 'It's not like I said it to her face—I just ran her down behind her back!'."
"NTA—sounds like Macey's just seeing her actions have consequences. Funny how that works, huh?"
"If you're constantly negative, putting things/people down, and always bringing the vibe down, you can't be surprised when people stop wanting you around."
"This is Macey's own doing. Maybe she can go online and look up some of the mean girls she went to school with: sounds like she'll fit right in with them now—assuming they're also stalled in that high school mentality." ~ acegirl1985
"I don't get how she thinks that the argument that she talked sh*t about them behind their backs is actually a defense." ~ kikazztknmz
"Right? It's actually worse. She's not only judgmental, she's two-faced." ~ RazzmatazzOk7185
"Macey's like, 'I didn't say it to your face! Only to your sister, who is, for some weird reason, closer to you than she is to me. I could never have imagined that YOUR sister, that you also happen to be friends with, would actually tell you what I said!'."
"I, for one, am always baffled when people talk sh*t about someone to the people who are close to them. Vent, if you must, to your OWN people, not theirs." ~ Ryuugan80
"I make it a habit to never say something behind someone's back that I wouldn't say to their face. It ensures that if feelings get hurt, I meant them to."
"NTA. Macey needs to get over herself." ~ baconbitsy
"If she wants to be treated like a friend, she should act like one. Meanwhile, NTA for wanting to enjoy yourself. Which means going without her." ~ ScarletNotThatOne
"Right‽ Like was she really bullied or did ppl just not want to be her friend because she was a judgy B...?" ~ Ok-Sympathy-7848
"I wondered this when she accused OP of bullying her, when OP was NOT bullying her. There are people out there who claim to have been bullied, whose definition of bullying is ... questionable."
"Of course, there are many genuine victims too, and I wouldn't have questioned Macey's experience had she not acted like this." ~ regus0307
"A lot of people who are genuinely bullied are also bullies. They were horribly bullied over their weight, looks, interests, but are also just toxic a**holes themselves. Bit hard to tell which came first because the bullying started young." ~ DefinitelyNotAliens
"NTA! Unfortunately, judgy people need to be confronted rudely."
"I love that you said this: 'I said well I guess you didn't learn from it because look at who you've become'."
"Make sure that your brother and SIL know you won't tolerate her bad behavior."
"Then be prepared with a sh*t load of INSTANT comments when she relapses, like: 'Stop insulting people. It's rude, I'm not going to listen to your bad mouthing today. Seriously, stop with the insults. It's childish and I'm not interested in hearing your rude opinions. You can hang out with us and keep your negativity to yourself, or you can be negative and leave. You can't stay AND be negative'."
"Make it clear that you understand she enjoys being judgmental and she has the right to her opinions. You just refuse to listen to them. Good luck!" ~ Ravenmn
"NTA. What, does your brother expect you to invite Macey to everything you do that she might like? Take her with you on dates if she might like the restaurant? Bring her on your vacations with you? Get real."
"Even if she was the nicest person on the planet, you'd be allowed to have your own social activities with your own friends without her. That she's obnoxious is more justification than you even need." ~ oliviamrow
"It's helpful when you have examples of annoying behaviors. Being bullied as a child isn't an excuse to be a bully or AH as an adult. Macey is using her past experience as a reason to be sh*tty to people. And sadly she won't take accountability for it." ~ Winter_Raisin_591
"Tell her no one enjoys hearing her tear people down behind their backs. Call her out for being a hateful, vindictive backstabber." ~ Electrical-Act-7170
"Seriously, no one likes to hear someone talk sh*t about YOUR SISTER behind her back. That's so gross." ~ agoldgold
"You are required to be civil to your family members. You aren't required to take them with you every time you do something."
"Social media starts more family fights than beer. Set your accounts for privacy and block people you don't enjoy, including contentious family members."
"Your SIL doesn't seem like a lot of fun. It's okay to tell her when she does things that you don't appreciate, as long as you do it in a civil manner. If she doesn't want to speak to you because of that, well…appreciate the gift of peace for as long as it lasts." ~ LazyAd622
"NTA, Macey turned into the same girls who used to bully her, and she sees nothing wrong with it, just like her bullies, she is doubling down."
"Even if you and your sister did try to talk to her about it, she'll automatically accuse you of ganging up and bullying her. There's no win anywhere in sight, so the best thing you can do is live your own life and let her stew in the mess she created." ~ crocodilezebramilk
If Macey wants to be invited, she should work on being someone people want to spend time with.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp