Overcoming and living with addiction is a long, hard process.
A big part of a successful recovery is cutting out toxicity.
Toxic triggers can destroy sobriety.
Sometimes those triggers are people.
Redditor IScreamAtCloudss wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for kicking my mom out after she brought up my deceased baby AND my past addiction in front of my new B[oy]F[riend]?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (24 F[emale]) am trying so hard to rebuild my life."
"Two years ago, I was struggling with addiction."
"I got clean."
"I got help."
"I started over."
"A year later, I had a baby."
"He passed away shortly after birth from complications."
"Losing him almost made me relapse."
"I didn't. "
"But it shattered something in me that will never fully heal."
"My mom (42 F) has never been supportive of any version of me."
"The hurt one, the recovering one, the mother, the grieving one. "
"She only shows up when she can be the victim."
"She loves attention, but not accountability."
"When my baby died, instead of comforting me, she said, 'You shouldn't have gotten pregnant so fast after getting clean. Maybe now you'll be more responsible."'
"I still can't think about those words without crying."
"Anyway, I recently met someone (30 M[ale])."
"He's gentle, patient, and kind."
"The first person who makes me feel like I'm not broken."
"He knows I've been through 'hard things,' but I hadn't told him everything yet."
"I wanted to share my story when I felt secure."
"So one night he came over for dinner at my place."
"I'm nervous, but excited."
"Everything is going perfectly. "
"We're laughing, cooking, talking."
"Then my mom shows up. Uninvited."
"Just let herself in like she still owns me."
"Obviously, I gave her a spare key; we live away from family, and it's just us."
"She immediately starts scanning him like she's a spy."
"Asking what he does, how much he makes, if he 'comes from a stable family,' all with this condescending tone like she's auditioning him for a job she doesn't even have authority over."
"Then she turns to him and says with a straight face..."
"'Before you get too attached, you should know she already had a baby… but he didn't survive."'
"I yelled out, 'Mom, WTF?'"
"She ignored me."
"'She probably didn't tell you because she feels guilty. I told her not to get her hopes up. Addicts don't usually have healthy pregnancies.'"
"Then she said the most evil thing I've ever heard..."
"'Maybe if she hadn't wasted those years on drugs, her body wouldn't be so damaged.'"
"I broke."
"I flipped out, and everything went black."
"I just remember calling her every name under the sun and telling her to GTFO my house."
"My boyfriend was stunned, and I don't blame him."
"She obviously left, arguing on the way out, but everything was such a blur at that point I can't even tell you what was said."
"I screamed at her to GET OUT!!!"
"I remember that."
"I don't even remember what I said."
"I just saw red."
"After she left, she texted me paragraph after paragraph about how I 'embarrassed' her, how I'm 'still unstable,' how she 'won't sugarcoat reality just because I'm sensitive,' and all this other unnecessary stuff I don't care to hear."
"I blocked her."
Now my sister and mother are calling me dramatic, disrespectful, saying I 'humiliated' my mother by kicking her out."
"My boyfriend has been nothing but supportive."
"He held me while I cried."
"He didn't judge my past at all."
"He didn't leave."
"But now I'm questioning myself."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Was I the AH?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Change your locks ASAP and put up major boundaries!"
"I am so sorry!"
"Your mom is horrible!" ~ vanilla_crabcakes
"Dude, I hate this for you, too."
"You've put in such work to rebuild yourself from the bottom up, you should be proud of yourself."
"Boyfriend is a good egg too, he's not judging past you for your choices or for your grief and trauma."
"You don't need this person in your life, reminding you of your worst."
"She won't ever get that away from you."
"She isn't viewing you as a person, capable of growth."
"She's viewing you as one mistake."
"You're more than that. "
"As a person, as a partner, as a mother."
"You are so far more than what she thinks of you."
"F**k the boundaries, get her out of your life."
"You deserve people who view you at your best, and who view you as you are now." ~ rage-quit
"With a mother like that, it's no wonder OP struggled with addiction."
"OP, your mother is abusive, and you do not deserve to be treated that way."
"You have worked so hard to build your life back up, and you deserve to be loved and supported, not torn down over and over like your mother is doing."
"I am so, so proud of you for getting clean, and I am so, so sorry for your loss."
"It sounds like you've met a really lovely guy, and I hope you continue to heal." ~ Large-Meaning-517
"A colleague of mine and his partner lost their baby within a few short weeks."
"The mother did not have your struggles of addiction or recovery."
"Sometimes babies have health issues no matter how healthy a mother is."
"You are not to blame, and life is not universally fair."
"Your mother is unhappy with her own choices and dumping on you to make herself feel superior."
"Cut her out of your life, you don't need that going forward." ~ Scared-Artichoke-866
"Her mother is, quite frankly, a poison in her life."
"I hate to advocate for breaking a family relationship, but in this case, OP won't get fully healthy until she removes her mother from her life entirely."
"Mum gets too much satisfaction from putting her daughter 'in her place' to ever let up on the negativity and pressure."
"OP, if you're able to move to a new residence, please do - and don't let any family members know where you are."
"You need a safe space where no one, most of all your mother, can just walk in and destroy your peace." ~ KiwiAtaahua
"My mother bleeds her emotions everywhere."
"I don't feel comfortable calling her a narcissist - but it's telling that every friend I have made in adulthood, including my partner of a decade, wants nothing to do with her."
"When I miscarried, she waited to call me in the middle of class to talk about HER miscarriages."
"That was my moment. From one former people pleaser to what it feels like a current one - NTA at ALL."
"I know it's common for those of us with toxic parents to feel guilty when we hold boundaries and protections against them."
"Please save some of these comments to reassure you when you doubt yourself, and lean on those who care about you." ~ FourGuysOneFence
"Clearly NTA."
"Your mother said those things with one purpose and one purpose only, to hurt you."
"Stay away from her."
"Do not listen to other family members who tell you not to do so; they do not have your best interests at heart."
"Change your locks." ~ Bowman74
"NTA. Block your sister, too, and anyone else who defends your mom."
"You have to go No Contact to stay sane."
"You can't have that negativity in your life, even if they are the only family you have."
"Check your credit to see if they have opened any accounts in their names."
"Your mom is evil, and your sister is close behind her."
"I am so sorry for your loss, but everyone is proud of your progress."
"You got this." ~ Malibucat48
"NTA. Your mother did that on purpose."
"Plan A was to interrogate and find fault with the guy and mock him."
"When there wasn't anything obvious to go with, she IMMEDIATELY went for your soft underbelly."
"And she always will."
"She could be giving a toast at your wedding, and she would talk about how it's so great that an addict could finally find love."
"Cut her out like a cancer." ~ Mmm_lemon_cakes
"She is a go**amn monster, and you are millions in fact BILLIONS times better without her."
"One addict to another, it's not easy to get clean."
"One human to another, losing someone you loved so dearly changes you."
"I'm not a mother and never have had that joy, but I am so sorry you went through that, and the woman who should have been your rock was your tormenter."
"You deserve so much better." ~ Hot-Reception7412
"NTA. Change the locks ASAP."
"Keep your mother blocked."
"Tell your sister exactly what happened if you haven't, because you know your mother didn't give an honest accounting."
"Give your sister the chance to be a decent human being, unlike your mother."
"It's not important to explain whether or why you hadn't told your boyfriend everything yet."
"Your mother assumed he didn't know and was trying to hurt you and isolate you, intentionally driving away anyone who cared about you." ~ NapalmAxolotl
"Your mom proved to you she can NEVER be trusted, and any opportunity she has, she will choose to hurt you, and try to sabotage your life and healing."
"Your only option is to cut her out of your life completely."
"Change your locks, and never give her access to you again."
"That is the only way to have peace and find happiness." ~ Natenat04
"NTA. Holy Sh*t, friend!"
"Your mom is your biggest hater!" ~ ritzybitzy08
Reddit is 1000% with you, OP.
Your mother is a terror.
Your sobriety is your first priority.
In order to save it, you may need to keep her blocked permanently.
Sorry for your loss.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp