A woman claimed she and her sister were always close except for the fact that a personality clash occasionally gets in the way.
When one of them went into labor, the exciting moment, unfortunately, turned into a dramatic one and now they're no longer on speaking terms.
Maybe because it was a "ruff" situation?
She visited the "Am I the A**hole?'" (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor Traditional_Honey19 asked:
"AITA For 'Failing' To Take Care of My Sisters Dog While She Was In Labor"
The original poster (OP) asked:
"I'm 21 F[female], and my older sister (25 F[female]) and I have always been close, but we tend to clash because she's a perfectionist and gets hostile when things don't go her way."
"One night, she called to say she was going into labor and asked me to watch her puppy. I agreed, and she gave me detailed instructions, including putting the dog in a safety harness when taking him outside."
"Later, I took the dog out and brought him back in, but I hadn't fully taken off his harness when he ran toward the living room where my mom was on FaceTime with my sister's boyfriend. I finished taking the harness off, but minutes later, I got angry texts from my sister accusing me of mistreating her dog because he was still in the harness for a few extra minutes."
"Her boyfriend had seen it on the FaceTime call and told her. She then called, yelling that I was lazy and unreliable, and told me and my mom to leave her house immediately. She even said we wouldn't meet the baby until we earned her trust back."
The OP continued:
"At 2 AM, we left, and I asked her boyfriend what was going on when he arrived. He just brushed me off, saying, 'We're having a kid, you don't get an explanation.' I spent the night comforting my mom, who was really upset, thinking she might not see her grandchild."
"The next day, my sister called to apologize and blamed her reaction on stress and hormones. She invited us over to meet the baby, so we went. The visit was fine, but afterward, she asked why I seemed quiet."
"I calmly told her how hurt I was after being kicked out, insulted, and threatened. I explained that the situation left a lasting negative memory for everyone—her boyfriend missed moments at the hospital, my mom was devastated, and now her in-laws probably think we can't handle helping her. I just wanted her to acknowledge my feelings."
"Instead, she got defensive again, saying she stood by everything she said and that I was disgusting for trying to put a dark cloud over her baby's birth. She then asked me to leave, which I did."
"We haven't spoken since, and while I understand she's under a lot of stress, I'm left wondering if I'm wrong for wanting my feelings to be acknowledged."
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
'Her boyfriend had seen it on the FaceTime call and told her.'
"Why would somebody bother a woman who is giving birth with such trivia? I suspect the boyfriend is trying to isolate her from her family." – bythebrook88
"But also, why would a woman in labor care? And a puppy being in a harness is hardly abuse. Out trainer had us have the dog wear the harness a few times to get used to it before even using the leash. NTA." – SuspiciousZombie788
'But also, why would a woman in labor care?'
"My thoughts exactly. I was in labor about two weeks ago give or take and all I could focus on was 'oh god there's a bowling ball trying to force its way out of my vagina'. You could've told me my house burned down and if I even managed to process what you said I would have probably said I had bigger things to worry about at current." – Gregthepigeon
"Sounds like older sister isn't prepared to accept she made a mistake to her younger sister. No way of telling why she has a problem, but I pity a parent who ostracizes free childcare at birth."
"I'm not going to judge the older sister's boyfriend, though. Maybe he should have kept it to himself, but if asked, he absolutely should have his partner's back and tell her what is going on."
"And if he's some sort of evil genius and worked out that this would get him home where he could get some sleep, then I respect his abilities even if I deplore his morals."
"NTA. I'd personally not connect again until the older sister became reasonable, but then I'm barely talking to my own sister, so maybe you don't want to take my advice on this." – Chrestomancy
'Sounds like older sister isn't prepared to accept she made a mistake to her younger sister.'
"Or as a new parent who was already prone to perfectionism, she might not want to admit she's capable of making mistakes to herself because she's terrified of not being perfect for her baby."
"OP told her she spoiled the birth experience for everyone, and possibly an overtired, hormonal, anxious perfectionist could spiral from that to worrying she's going to ruin everything else in her child's life too and freak out."
"(still not justification for lashing out though, ofc)" – pocketfullofdragons
"NTA. Don't let her institute a norm where she gets to use you as a punching bag and you just pretend it's ok because reasons. It's absolutely not ok. I don't buy that having a kid is a free ticket to be an asshole without consequences."
"If momentary stress causes an unfortunate outburst there is a remedy for that: A sincere apology and assurance that it won't happen again. If you don't get that, I'd keep my distance if I were you. It's not difficult to predict what you are going to be subjected to if she is allowed to get away with this behavior." – NotThisAgain234
"To piggyback on this, if OP rolls over this time with being berated for not 'perfectly' watching the puppy, imagine what happens when sister drops baby on OP and OP blinks her eyes one too many times in front of the baby smh." – AmbitiousAd560
"OP is NTA. Just think when your sister asks you to babysit or dog-sit for several hours, an evening or a weekend, you can get out of the obligation because she won't trust you."
"In my opinion, even if she apologizes because she's desperate, I would still refuse to help her for as many months as it takes to get an apology. You are officially non-obligated." – AgeLower1081
"Your sister does not get to blame hormones on this, she's just acting like a mean and controlling person. She can find someone else to dog sit and potentially baby sit if she cannot apologize."
"NTA." – CaliforniaJade
"Your sister is delusional and I can't help but laugh at this.....maybe because of my own experience. I got admitted to the hospital at 30 weeks pregnant. My kidneys were failing, liver failing, blood pressure was 298/199, and my vision was going black. Doc said time to get baby out now! Emergency c section cuz I have spine issues and they didn't trust an epidural."
"When I woke up, my mom was on the phone with my husband. He was trying to be discreet but I knew something was up. So he handed me the phone. I had two dogs. One was scheduled to get fixed the same day I had the baby. As my parents were taking her to the vet, my other dog knew something was wrong."
"She dug out of the backyard. She had never done this before. She was missed for the first 48 hours my kiddo was alive and I found out about it as soon as I woke from surgery. (She was later turned into the local shelter and we got her back before I even left the hospital)."
"Doc said I was too sick to see my brand new baby on the day of his birth and I only got pictures from everyone that was able to see him in the NICU. On top of that, I only have one good vein which was used for the IV and they kept having to do some tests that took blood, resulting in poking me many places trying to find a good vein."
"This was done every two hours. When they came to get blood they also had to cut my finger to get ten drops of blood in a vial for another test. I was literally a pin cushion. I was devasted with everything piled on."
"I never once blamed my parents for losing my dog or blamed anyone for anything for that matter. I knew emotions were high and just cried. The lab even messed up. They took my blood then about twenty minutes later they sent another tech saying it was time again. I said already they just took it twenty minutes ago? I let him take it again but just cried."
"Apparently he told the doc and doc finally said you're clear to go see baby. I met him 25 hours after birth. Everything was fine. But I never yelled or freaked out on anyone. I guess that's why freaking out about a dog having a harness on for two extra minutes than usual is freaking hilarious to me. I know everyone has different breaking points and reactions but that was a major overreaction." – SeaGoatGamerGirl
Overall, Redditors thought the sister was in the wrong for her behavior and that it had nothing to do with hormones but more to do with being overly dramatic and nitpicky.
They also thought the boyfriend mentioning the dog's harness while the sister was actively in labor was in particularly poor taste.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp