Some people are always looking for someone to blame.
Sometimes in situations where truly no one was at fault for anything though.
Most of the time, however, it’s finding someone to blame for something they are well aware they are solely responsible for.
When these same people are confronted about whether or not they are the one at fault, they seldom take kindly to that suggestion.
The sister Redditor ArguingwsisThrowaway was facing what seemed like an insurmountable problem in her professional life.
While the original poster (OP)’s sister blamed sexism for her problems, the OP felt that her sister was very much getting in her own way.
Something the OP’s sister vehemently denied and refused to believe when the OP confronted her about this.
Wondering if she stepped out of line, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA For telling my sister that her lack of personal hygiene is the real reason no job will hire her and not sexism?”
The OP explained why she felt her sister needed a serious reality check:
“This concerns my sister ‘Lily’ who is graduating soon.”
“Our parents taught us the importance of personal hygiene and keeping yourself presentable.”
“But I guess Lily fell off the wagon while dorming in college because it feels like she dropped everything to do with personal hygiene since moving back home.”
“It’s easier to explain with a list of things she isn’t taking care of:”
“Hair: Very oily/greasy and always tangled from lack of wash and brushing.”
“Skin: Also very oily/greasy from no wash.”
“Nails: Never trims so they’re long and yellow from grime.”
“Clothes: Clothes themselves are nice but she leaves them sloppy/wrinkled.”
“Body: Showers once a week tops.”
“I’m not sensitive to smell, but my sister REEKS and honestly makes me gag sometimes.”
“Lily is upset because she says she can’t get an in-person job in her field and wants to give up.”
“Our parents have tried telling her that presentability/hygiene is as important as credentials when getting jobs, but my sister won’t listen.”
“Lily has a rocky relationship with our family so she takes it as a personal attack rather than them trying to help.”
“Lily is now blaming sexism and says men are all just intimidated by a competent woman and that’s the sole reason why she hasn’t gotten a job.”
“If she wants to lie to herself, it’s her life.”
“Whatever. What I can’t stand is her trying to make it my problem and expect validation from me.”
“Lily just did a bunch interviews, but all went cold after and none panned out into jobs.”
“She was venting to me last week about how companies in this field are all boys’ clubs and quick to shoot down a woman they know is intellectually above them.”
“I was basically just like good for you, can I please finish my session in peace now?”
“Lily got defensive and said she’s just warning me.”
“Then doubled down saying most men are selfish and I should save myself the headache now.”
“She was saying this with my male friends on the voice call.”
“I had enough and told Lily that her lack of personal hygiene is the real reason no job will hire her, so stop blaming others and think for two seconds.”
“If you were a company owner who needs to impress investors to keep your own family afloat, would you want to be represented by someone who looks and smells like a homeless person, or someone who is presentable and takes care of themselves?”
“We got into an argument and Lily is now either giving me one-word answers or not saying anything to me at all.”
“I’ll be honest that we argue a lot but Lily normally would have gotten over it by now.”
“Did I do the right thing giving Lily a dose of reality or did I f*ck up here?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community as in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for telling her sister that her personal hygiene was getting in the way of her professional success.
Everyone agreed that the OP’s sister needed to be told to literally clean up her act, however, many also urged the OP to consider that her poor hygiene may be the sign of a more deeply rooted issue, which the OP and her family should definitely investigate:
“NTA, but I would be concerned about why Lily has let herself get to that point.”
“Speaking from experience, keeping up with personal hygiene was really difficult when I was struggling with depression, but I still made an effort to look presentable when I had to go out.”
“I don’t know if that’s what your sister is going through, but it might be worth looking into.”
“That said, she also needs to learn how to self-reflect and hold herself accountable, instead of blaming other people for her failures and projecting her personal experiences onto you.”
“You did the right thing by pointing it out to her, hopefully it will serve as a wake-up call.”-sleepyHedgehog99
“NTA.”
“If Lily’s theory were true, she wouldn’t even get the interviews.”
“Obviously, they see her resume with her education and experience and think she might be a good fit.”
“If she’s getting in the door but isn’t landing any jobs, she needs to realize that she’s not passing the sniff test – literally.”
“Let her know that because she needs backup to the reasons you’re all giving her.”
“It could be that she’s depressed, as well.”
“If her hygiene was good before and during college and it’s only since she got home that she’s let it go, it might be worth checking in with her about that or at least telling your parents so that they can address it.”
“Good luck to you and to Lily!”- geckotatgirl
“NTA.”
“I’m in a similar situation with my sister here.”
“Turns out she had depression that was untreated and struggles with executive dysfunction, meaning she couldn’t figure the steps out in order to get them done, and then add on top of that she struggles with the scents of our stuff at home.”
“We had a chat as a family as teens about hygiene and now we’re in our 30s my sister showers and brushes her teeth etc but instead of using what we use as ‘adults’ items she does what I do & uses children’s body wash, children’s tooth paste & mouth wash as that helps our sensitivity to things.”
“We both have it as routines too so she has set days she showers but knows she MUST do the other hygiene stuff daily or weekly (obviously depending on the task) & for myself due to my diagnosis & mental health issues I use a visual schedule in the bathroom to help me keep track…maybe that’d help your sister?”
“The brushing hair thing may be a simple thing of it hurts her, so she won’t do it, or it doesn’t connect in her head to use detangling spray or leave-in conditioner to make it easier to brush, or she could get it cut.”
“You were kind and sensitive about it and handled it correctly. She (Lily) needs to figure out her head and why she is behaving this way.”
“Has anything changed since college?”
“Did/does she have any bad relationships outside of your family relationship?”- complexitiesundone
“Is Lily okay?”
“It sounds like this lack of self care developed while she was away for university.”
“Did something happen?”
“Factually, you are correct that the lack of hygiene is likely behind lily’s unemployment, but you weren’t kind.”
“Lily should have read the room and realised you weren’t available to talk.”
“ESH / NTA (can’t decide which!)”
“Also, I think you and your family are missing some very serious warning signs that there’s something bad going on with Lily.”- quizzicaldrinker
“NTA.”
“You are obviously right in your reasoning.”
“But it may be that her lack of personal hygiene is a symptom of something else, perhaps a mental issue.”
“I think she should be checked out by a Dr and or psychologist.”
“She may not be just sloppy, but she may have a mental illness.”
“Worth looking into!”- AppeltjeEitje1079
Lily isn’t wrong; that sexism is rampant and far too common in this world.
However, showing up to a job interview with a lingering odor is never likely to land you a second interview, let alone a job.
As many have said, though, it sounds like it’s going to take more than a reality check for Lily to change her ways.
She’ll likely need professional help to clean up her act.