People have all sorts of unique ways of remembering their loved ones, from photos and knick-knacks to special traditions.
But sometimes, the people around us won't really understand or appreciate the ways we carry on memories, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor AgitatedMagpie still missed her late grandmother but took comfort in the fact that she was still caring for the sourdough starter her grandmother started, creating bread from it, and feeding her family with it.
When her mother-in-law accidentally threw the starter away, the Original Poster (OP) was devastated, and even more hurt that her husband did not understand why it was such a loss.
They asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for being devastated that my mother-in-law (MIL) threw out my grandmother's sourdough starter?"
The OP had a special sourdough starter from her late grandmother.
"I had a sourdough starter that was about seven years old and was taken from a discard of my grandmother's starter."
"It's old and sentimental, and I've kept it alive through some really tough times for me."
The OP's mother-in-law stopped by to help with a few things while her baby slept.
"My mother-in-law came around to babysit my daughter, who is eight months."
"She napped most of the time she was here, so my MIL graciously did a few loads of washing and cleaned our kitchen and floors."
"I was and still am very grateful. I thanked her profusely."
After she left, the OP realized her mother-in-law did the unthinkable.
"Once my mother-in-law had left, I noticed the starter jar had been cleaned."
"I checked around, hoping she'd maybe fed it and put it in a clean jar."
"But this wasn't the case. I didn't expect this to be the case, as she doesn't bake and doesn't really have any idea how sourdough bread is made."
The OP needed time to grieve.
"My husband got home from work, and I told him I needed a few minutes. I went into our room and had a big cry. I was mourning the starter as it was the last tangible part of my grandmother I had."
"I didn't contact my mother-in-law about it, but I needed to get it out."
"My husband said I was being very dramatic over what is just flour and water."
"I don't think I'm overreacting, but my husband has made me second-guess myself."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some completely understood why the OP was grieving what happened.
"It's a living collection of cells. Some even have names. This one went back to your Gran's starter? NOR. I would mourn too."
'To everyone who doesn't understand, imagine if it was a plant, like, a fruit tree that grew in her grandma's garden. Her grandmother gave her a cutting from her tree and OP propagated it into a new (clone) of that fruit tree, and it helped feed her and her growing family for years. MIL chopped down that tree and set it on fire."
"OP, is there a chance that you froze some, or another relative got some from your Gran so you could replace it? I'm so sorry. Hugs!" - Half_Life976
"Absolutely not overreacting. I wouldn't be mad at MIL but I would be devastated." - Positive-Ad540
"I had a similar situation and this is how I felt."
"My grandma had a stash of presents before she passed, and the Christmas after she passed, I got a set of mixing bowls from her. I meant a lot because she was already gone."
"A couple of years ago, my partner was putting away clean dishes, and it fell and broke. No anger, just mourning." - seravellemist
"My partner has trashed a lot of stuff from my dead grandma, including a vintage pitcher that is basically irreplaceable. I'm not mad, but I am definitely irritated."
"I think he could handle a lot of old things with more care. And I don't know why he can't break our new s**tty stuff, rather than these vintage heirloom type items." - CoconutPawz
"When my grandma died almost a decade ago, I took this ginger and green onion mix she made, used for chicken. I didn't eat it, I just kept it."
"It's long since molded, and I've put tape along the lid so no one opens it by accident, but I also refuse to throw it away, despite what my husband claims to be biohazardous status (he's not wrong)."
"I'm not ready to let go of that part of her yet, and like I said, it's been a decade."
"So no, I don't think you're overreacting." - HRDBMW
"OP, I AM about to cry because you lost your gma's starter. Devastating and practically a living historical artifact just gone."
"Sourdough starters are LEGENDARY and the foundation of why we even have internationally known and loved bread that generations have made and passed down to each other. There should be museums to showcase foods and other hand me down history that is easily lost."
"At this point, you're not the first starter I've seen lost to dumb mistakes and rude people touching others' things. We need a sourdough starter database/ laboratory that all of us sends a bit of our starter to, to be preserved and protected, and if we even lose it, we can call the lab and have them send us part of ours back, lol." - Ryoko_Kusanagi69
Others questioned why the mother-in-law threw away anything in the OP's kitchen.
"NOR, but I honestly don't understand why she wouldn't have asked why you had a jar of goop before throwing it away." - Murderhornet212
"This is exactly why I don't want other people futzing about my home and binning stuff on my behalf. I'd be really angry, honestly. Does MIL think that OP just leaves jars of gunk around the home, or something?"
"You never throw away anything in someone else's home without asking first. I wouldn't even toss out junk mail or an empty box; if it's sitting out, I assume there might be a good reason for it and leave it be." - boudicas_shield
"It's not like most people go into another's kitchen and just start throwing unknown items away. That was disrespectful in itself. I would never do that at my DIL and son's home." - Shadow4summer
"NOR, but why would she do that to begin with? If anything, I'd probably question it and leave it be if I decided to help myself to cleaning out someone's refrigerator. I would be furious at the overstepping." - Decent_Front4647
"I have really bad OCD and a serious family history of hoarding. My mom once threw away a hand-signed calendar that had followed me through a divorce, and when I found out, I wailed."
"She had no idea, since it was left in my car through two moves (I was trying to keep it safe) and my car had been absolutely trashed by someone I lent it to, but I was devastated. It still hurts to this day."
"Dismissing someone's feelings just because you don't understand them is one of the most toxic traits to me." - Jelliebean71
Some called out the OP's husband for being so dismissive of something the OP cared about.
"Your husband obviously doesn't understand much about bread and baking and a sourdough starter. In this case, he is being thoughtless and inconsiderate."
"You should be allowed the space to feel your feelings, regardless of whether he understands or thinks they're reasonable. To belittle a sourdough starter as just flour and water when you have been nurturing it probably daily for seven years, is him being willfully ignorant, or woefully thoughtless."
"And either way, his opinion should be regarded as the mucous byproduct it is, and not as something that should be respected. NOR." - bakedbaker319
"Your husband shouldn't be so dismissive. What? Like you cry for fun or something? Obviously, you are hurting, and he should offer you comfort, not make fun of you and insult you." - jjjjjjj30
"Absolutely NOR. I'm so, so sorry for your loss. That kind of connection to a deceased loved one can feel like grieving all over again. I hope your husband realizes he's being cruel by telling you you're overreacting. Your MIL meant well, but you are right to grieve." - Sami_George
"You're not overreacting for mourning after losing a tangible representation of something sentimental to you. That's normal, and the situation that you just described is incredibly unfortunate."
"Additionally, your husband's response is not great. Accident or not, flour and water or not, he should be extremely sympathetic and apologetic for the fact that this happened. Because it is very upsetting, and your partner should be emotionally supportive during things like this."
"You would be overreacting, however, if you take this to your mother-in-law and hold it against her. A sourdough starter is not common sense. To the untrained eye, it looks like literal old mold in a jar. I would never be surprised if someone new to my house threw away my sourdough starter."
"If you were to message the mother-in-law and bring it up so she has to issue an apology, or try to use it as something to weaponize against your mother-in-law's character, then you're overreacting."
"Based on your post, I don't think you have, and I don't think you should. This is an unfortunate situation all around, and you're not wrong to be upset about it. But while sentimental items are meaningful, they are still just items."
"In today's world, anything can happen to things kept in your house. Accidents happen, things break, and that's just part of life. You could accidentally knock the jar over one day, or something completely out of your control could destroy it."
"But your connection to your grandma exists beyond a material object." - Key_Bath_9005
"It's always amazing how some folks can't understand sentimentality unless it's theirs."
"I don't think MIL did it intentionally. It's the husband's reaction that's upsetting."
"Unless your husband hated the jar and always secretly wanted it gone (experienced someone like this, a separate issue altogether), what is so hard about giving comfort? Even if you don't get it, it doesn't take anything to give a hug and an, 'I'm so sorry, I know it meant a lot to you and was a piece of your grandma.'"
"If anyone reading is so dense that they can't think of what to say in those moments, listen and just repeat what the hurt person is saying. Context clues are right there. If you can't do that, a big hug and silence is just as great. Compassion is not hard to do." - Soup-Mother5709
After receiving feedback, the OP updated the post, grateful to have been heard.
"Thank you, everyone, for the comments. My husband is getting a lot of well-deserved snark. After I called him out on being an a**, he did apologise and take the baby out so I could have some time to myself."
"He returned home with some starter from his friend's wife, who he remembered I gave some starter to a few years ago, and a five kilogram bag of my favourite flour. She's been keeping it in her fridge and feeding it very rarely, so it will take some time, but I think I can get it into good shape, especially knowing that it's my grandmother's."
"To my horror, he also called him mum to explain what happened, and she was very apologetic as expected. She's turned up here (not unexpected, she was invited) this morning with two 'nice jars, with labels! So you can display the starter.'"
"I'm happy to have some of the starter back, still a little sad it's not been in my care the last two years. My mother-in-law has been nothing but lovely, and my husband has been a lot more understanding and comforting of this since."
The subReddit grieved on the OP's behalf, understanding the hurt she experienced when she lost that little bit of her grandmother's memory.
Fortunately, her husband apologized, her mother-in-law made amends for the accident, and she'd been able to acquire some of the starter that she previously shared with a friend, so she could continue her grandmother's tradition.
Everything worked out for the best, but it's a great reminder not to throw away things in other people's houses without asking first, and of course, to be supportive when we don't understand something, like sourdough starter.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp