Content Warning: Deceased Parent, Grief, Honoring Memory
Honoring someone's memory after they have passed away might be one of the most loving things a person can do for someone else.
But it's important to do so among other people who feel the same way, not people who are faking it, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Temporary_Pain_5576 lost her mother when she was six, and she made a habit after that of honoring her mother's memory with her older brother on their mother's birthday and anniversary of death.
After they honored her memory on her twentieth anniversary of death, the Original Poster (OP) was disgusted that their father and stepmother were angry to not be included, after everything they'd done to act as if their mother did not exist.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for telling my dad I didn't want him or the woman he replaced my mom with to pretend to honor her on the 20th anniversary of her death?"
The OP and her brother got together to honor their late mother's memory.
"My brother (28 Male) and I (26 Female) lost our mom 20 years ago."
"We, along with my brother's wife and my boyfriend, took the day to honor our mom on the anniversary of her death. The day never passes without something from either of us, but 20 years was something we wanted to mark with a little more. Her death is still painful for us."
"We did not include our dad or stepfamily. They never joined before. Well, our dad used to, but it's been 11 or more years now since he did anything to honor our mom."
Their dad and stepmother were angry that they were not included.
"My dad wasn't happy when he found out we'd done something without him and his wife felt the same."
"They called my brother and me several times to complain about the secrecy and how we left them out of something important."
But the OP felt like her father had done everything he could to forget his late wife's memory.
"For the last 14 years, my dad has described his wife as the love of his life. He also stated on multiple occasions that he was never as in love with anyone and falling for her made him realize his feelings for others were never close."
"While he's allowed that it stings us, the kids he had with his first wife who died. He used to say he loved Mom. He hasn't in years. He removed all traces of her, and he no longer honored her memory on her birthday or her anniversary."
"He has also stated he'd change nothing about his life because it worked out just the way it was supposed to in the end."
"Comments like that and his wife's comments that we spoke about our mom too much or had too many photos of her made us distant from them. They have two kids together and that always made things more awkward because they have commented on how unhappy my brother and I look when dad is making his comments about his wife and they can't see it from our perspective."
The OP called her dad out during a recent phone call.
"During one of Dad's phone calls to me where he was complaining. He said he'd been married to my mom for 10 years, and they had me and my brother together, and he should be allowed to join us on such a big anniversary."
"It p**sed me off, and I told him I didn't want him or the woman he replaced her with to pretend they were honoring her. I said he hadn't honored her in years and had made it very clear he didn't give a f**k about her anymore with all those comments about his wife being the love of his life and how he wouldn't wish Mom was alive because it made him happier long term."
"He told me it was such an uncharitable outlook."
"I asked him to consider how the kids of his first wife feel when he makes those kinds of comments. I said he would never convince me that he didn't replace her and essentially downgrade her to a past mistake of his."
"He went on a rant to my brother after we spoke and my brother told him he felt the same. He said it was exactly how we took it and always would."
The couple continued to make the decision about them.
"My dad and his wife are claiming my comments were cruel and that it shows a lack of appreciation for what she did to bring him back to life after losing Mom."
"She said it hurt to realize we have so little love or appreciation for her that we can't see his comments in the positive."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were disgusted by how the OP's dad had treated her mother's memory.
"'Uncharitable outlook'? You were far nicer than I would have been."
"You can be respectful of your past while being grateful for your present, especially in the case of death. You and your brother deserve so much better."
"It really didn't need to be this way, Dad failed his big kids massively." - Livid-Supermarket-44
"OP, your father's a dolt. To make the observations he's made about his present marriage obviously has thrown major shade on his marriage to your mother. His comments should NEVER have been made in your or your brother's presence."
"His moving on is his business. But to cause comments that clearly diminish his marriage to your mother are totally unacceptable."
"Kudos to you and your brother for calling him out. I'd reiterate your position and further, advise him that neither of you anticipate an inheritance from him; as he not only moved on from your mother, but he's also diminished the role of you and your brother in his life."
"And NO, your stepmother has NOT become your mom. Rest assured that her relationship with their two children bears no resemblance to her relationship with you two." - Tight-Shift5706
"If he had any grace, he would've said, 'I'm so glad I found a second person to love as much as my late wife. I'm a lucky man to fall in love twice, to get a second chance at happiness after I felt my world closed down. I feel I moved on, but I'll always honour the man she made me be, because that allowed me to be the man I am today.'"
"Or something like that. His sons would actually still talk to him that way."
"Some things you never say as a parent. For example, which kid you like more." - Gold-Carpenter7616
"Not just 'I sure am glad your mom died,' but 'I sure am glad your mom died when you two were just eight and six because...'"
"And his whole 'I wouldn't change anything' line, when said to people who lost their mother at eight and six, and who would undoubtedly prefer to have her still alive, is just astoundingly, phenomenally cruel."
"There is just no way to re-state that that is anything other than cruel and unfeeling to his children."
"OP's father has no empathy. If he did, he would not have struggled to understand where his kids are coming from on this." - GothicGingerbread
"I recently married a widower (no children from his marriage). I know I will never take her place in his heart, and I've never tried; they were together for nearly 20 years."
"He told me that he was lucky enough to find love twice, he cherishes both of us. His late wife was an amazing woman (I knew her for a short time), and I paid a small tribute to her on our wedding day."
"For OP's dad to say that the second wife if the love of his life, to me means OP's mom (and first wife) was a 'placeholder' until the 'real' one came along. I'm sorry for OP and her brother." - Cuddle_RedBlue0932
Others agreed and applauded the OP and her brother for honoring their mother.
"I think it's beautiful that you and your brother still celebrate your mother. Your father doesn't need to be included in this ritual. I hope my son feels this way after I'm gone. Keep doing what you're doing." - Shadow4summer
"Take comfort in knowing you are both more of her than you are of him. She must have been an incredible mother and I'm sorry you lost her too soon."
"Your dad and Cruella can go you-know-where. Somehow they had to make it about them. There's nothing stopping him from honoring her if it was so genuine, they're the a**holes." - Dapper_Violinist9631
"He hasn't joined you... in 11 years. So he missed the 10th, the 15th, and everything in-between until you got to this year, and at 20 years is suddenly when it matters?!"
"Why didn't it matter for the last ELEVEN YEARS?!"
"NTA. If he was my dad, a fork would've been embedded in his thigh if that conversation was in person and not over the phone." - RawrRRitchie
"I totally get where you're coming from. Losing your mom at such a young age must have been incredibly tough, and it's understandable that you and your brother would want to honor her in your own way."
"Given your dad's comments over the years about his new wife being the love of his life and downplaying his feelings for your mom, it's no surprise that you'd feel hurt and distanced. It's your right to remember your mom without involving those who haven't shown the same respect for her memory."
"So, in my opinion, you're NTA for setting those boundaries and honoring your mom in a way that feels right to you." - MagicalShadowGlow
"Nope, NTA... Your dad and his wife want to act like your mom was just some footnote in his life but now they're mad they weren't included in honoring her? That's pure hypocrisy."
"He spent YEARS downplaying her importance, treating your feelings like an inconvenience, and acting like your pain was something to get over... and now that it's convenient for him, he suddenly cares? Nah."
"You and your brother have every right to honor your mom without them, and you were right to call him out on his dismissive attitude. He made his choices, and he doesn't get to guilt-trip you into pretending otherwise." - MysticEveClair
The subReddit could understand the OP's dad moving on and finding new love after his late wife passed away, but to suggest that she was a mistake or that he was glad things turned out the way they did, so he could end up with his second wife, was heartless.
It made total sense that the OP would want to only honor her mother's memory among people who genuinely wanted to honor her, not people who wanted to keep appearances.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp