In today's dating world, with more people than ever meeting online first, it's important to take safety measures before meeting someone for the first time.
This includes, among other things, meeting at a public location instead of revealing where you live, and having an exit strategy in case something goes wrong.
This should be just as true for men as it is for women, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor ungrateful_soup had been in a long-distance relationship with his girlfriend for a while, and since things were going well, he intended to go and meet her for the first time in Mexico, where she lived.
But when she was furious and offended to learn that he intended to stay in a hotel on his first visit to her country, the Original Poster (OP) began to feel uncomfortable about meeting her.
He asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for 'insulting' my long-distance relationship (LDR) girlfriend by getting a hotel?"
The OP was ready to take his long-distance relationship to the next level by meeting his girlfriend in person.
"I (24 Male) am planning to go see my girlfriend (21 Female) for the first time."
"She lives in a different country (Mexico), and we are in a long-distance relationship."
"When we were discussing my trip [to Mexico], she told me she wanted me to stay with her at her parents' house."
"I told her that I was planning on booking a hotel instead. I had two reasons for this:"
"First, I didn't want to impose or bother her parents, especially since I haven't met them yet."
"Second, since it is my first time visiting the country and meeting her in person, I wanted to be cautious and have my own space just in case."
The OP was surprised by how his girlfriend took his plans.
"She got extremely upset when I told her this."
"When I saw how hurt she was, I tried to compromise. I told her, 'Look, I can keep the hotel reservation just as a backup, but I am willing to stay with you at your parents' house if that's what you really want.'"
"She refused and said that I can't stay with her anymore because I effectively 'rejected her help' the first time around. Now she says the door is closed on that option."
"I feel bad that I hurt her feelings, but I was just trying to be polite to her family and safe regarding my travel plans."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that he was right and smart to have alternate plans in place.
"HOLY RED FLAGSSSSS. No one should be upset that you wanted your own space in a new country. For all you know, she could say you were allowed to stay, and then her parents said no, so you're not wrong for being cautious." - IHateTheJoneses
"The OP did the right thing by coordinating a room for himself."
"You'd be the nicest parent in the world if you offered to get your daughter's long-distance-only boyfriend a hotel room. Most wouldn't do that."
"Most wouldn't allow him to stay at their house either, at least in my country. I can see cultural differences being the defining factor here." - ShanksySun
"OP is just dealing with someone immature, among other things. It's nice that she's willing to host. However, it's the real first time in person. Also, it's not like we're talking state-to-state meet-ups; this is different countries. She should have some understanding about this rather than a tantrum." - GoopInThisBowlIsVile
"NTA, with the way the internet is, you can never be too safe. Having a space available to you is a really good idea! Who knows if you won't get on with her family, or worst case, she isn't who you think she is."
"Best case, it also provides a place where the two of you can go for alone time away from her family." - SuddenTension4280
"NTA. As you haven't met yet in person, there are a lot of things that could go wrong. It will be awkward, and you two might learnthat you two aren't compatible."
"And then there is safety. No offense, you have no idea who this person is. You just know their online personality." - Potential_Ad_1397
"If you were coming to visit me for the first time, there is zero chance you'd be welcome to stay with me. A hotel for your first visit would be required. I'm not sure what to think about someone who wants you to stay with them at their parents' house." - Lopsided_Tie1675
"I do think that this might be a result of cultural differences and not necessarily anything nefarious."
"In my culture, someone coming to visit you but staying elsewhere if you have space to accommodate them would definitely seem rude and standoffish. I can imagine that, in more collectivist cultures, this would be even more offensive."
"Not to say that OP shouldn't do what they feel most comfortable with, but it is important to remember that Americans often view things through a more individualistic lens that really didn't carry over to all other cultures."
"That said, he did the right and considerate thing by making arrangements for himself just in case, and hopefully, his girlfriend can recognize his intentions." - doNotUseReddit123
Others were alarmed by the OP's story and urged him not to go on this trip.
"I would not be traveling and staying with strangers. I would get a hotel room if you truly want to go. But honestly, this just seems really dangerous." - my-dog-made-me-reddit
"Take every single precaution. As a matter of fact, don't go." - ihaveazilliondollars
"Her getting angry is exactly the red flags that make it a good idea to stay at a hotel. This has 'steal your passport while you sleep' vibes." - Marialnconnu
"Cancel, cancel, cancel. DO NOT GO." - Far-Cut-6769
"Please don't go. Something is up." - EatsTheLastSlice
"She sounds insane. She's probably a 45-year-old man called Dave. Dave's parents are dead, and he dresses them up every day and moves them around the house, maybe watching TV, or reading a book..."
"Whether Dave dresses up as 'your girlfriend' or not, I don't know, but I suggest you don't find out."
"All your points are entirely reasonable. Hers, well, she's nuts."
"Honestly, just get out of this plan and this 'relationship.' Cancel what you can, and treat the rest as a good investment in finding out now that she's unhinged, rather than later on."
"NTA." - CatJarmansPants
"NTA. RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE."
"Your safety is priority one. Full Stop. This screams long game con/scam. Guilt used to elicit a pressure response is on full display here. This is a way to isolate you."
"This is incredibly unsafe. If this isn't the case, then she's just an over-emotional and selfish person who can't put herself into your shoes."
"That's the best case scenario, so... I'd make some serious decisions about this 'relationship' and ask yourself all the questions you would if you thought this was a scam. If the answers come easily, there's a reason." - I_Y_C_B_T_J_T_2025
"Anybody who overreacts about anything and you've haven't met them in real life yet is a red flag."
"In the beginning part of our relationships, everybody's on their best behavior. What does this say about her?"
"I wouldn't go. It's just not worth it going to another country, not knowing anybody, and who knows what could happen to you?"
"And people get kidnapped for ransom all the time in Mexico. My brother-in-law's Mexican, and they're always extra careful when they go back. They love tourists for that reason."
"Sidenote, I mean no disrespect. Mexico is incredible, and the people are equally so. But kidnapping is a problem among a certain group, and there's no telling where they'll turn up." - interestedpartyM
"NTA. The average woman does not want a man she has never met in her life to stay in a house with her and her family."
"This is a major red flag. I have a bad feeling she's trying to lure you into something." - Madea_onFire
"Please get the hotel and stay at the hotel because you do not have an actual relationship with this person you have been corresponding with, and certainly do not know their family."
"For your own safety, please get the hotel and meet this girl at a neutral location for the first time." - ThePythiaofApollo
There was a chance that this was the start of a wonderful relationship, and the girlfriend was feeling hurt because she was excited to meet and get to know her boyfriend in person, while her parents were also trying to be welcoming to him.
But since they only knew each other online, there was also a chance that darker intentions were at play, and that the OP's girlfriend wasn't even who she said she was.
The right thing for the OP to do, if he still intended to go on this trip, was to book that hotel room in case the relationship wasn't what he thought it was. If everything turned out wonderfully, then he simply tried to do something considerate for his girlfriend and potential in-laws, and there should be no harm in that.
Woman Irate After 'Misogynistic' Date 'Insults' Her In Front Of Waiter For Interrupting Him
While dating is supposed to be fun and the best way to find new love, some people are just not meant to date each other.
Fortunately, people can get out of dating someone, and no reason is too small or petty, members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit pointed out.
Redditor Mental_Driver_6134 had been dating a guy on and off for over a year, and while things were okay, there hadn't been a particular reason to make the relationship more serious.
When they went on a date, and the guy publicly insulted her for interrupting him and speaking out of turn, the Original Poster (OP) was not certain it was worth going on another date with him or continuing to string this situationship along.
She asked the sub:
At a restaurant, the OP's date wasn't being clear while speaking with the waiter.
"I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off. We discussed the order and were in a good mood overall."
"When the waiter came to take the order, he started explaining him something about his preference for a particular dish. Basically, he didn't want too much garlic in chili burnt garlic noodles."
"Everything was going fine, but I saw that he was taking too much time explaining it and wasn't really getting to the main point, which was less garlic."
"I chimed in and casually said, 'We just want less garlic.'"
"But I couldn't even complete the sentence before he said to me in front of the waiter, 'If you're gonna cut me off like this, I'm not giving any orders, okay?!' in the rudest way possible."
The moment ruined the date for the OP.
"I just went quiet after that. He quickly realized that he made a mistake and tried to cover up by saying that, 'Okay , I won't shout at you next time onwards.'"
"I was really p**sed off but didn't react much to avoid creating a scene."
"On our way back home, he started with his explanation. He said that I tried to make him feel small by cutting him off and lacked basic etiquette and that I should have at least said, 'Can I give my opinion here?- before cutting him off."
"It kept getting worse as he said that since he was the older one and 'The Man,' I should not have interrupted him and let him give the order."
"The whole tone was so misogynistic."
"He even mocked me for not knowing how to use chopsticks properly, which I didn't mind as basic banter, and I told him that there are forks and spoons kept here; it's not necessary to use the chopsticks (he ended up dropping his dumpling while explaining to me how to use chopsticks)."
"When the noodles came, he said that we could use forks then, and I was like, 'No, why not use chopsticks here, as well? You should watch more anime, maybe,' and he then went on to brag about having been to many five-star restaurants, which implied that he knew more than me and that I lacked any 'real experience.'"
The OP was over it by the end of the conversation.
"I was too exhausted from this; it seemed so nonsensical that I left later and told him to maintain a distance."
"Later he was saying that I'm stuck on such a small thing and that he won't shout again, but it was my mistake that I tried to cut him off (which wasn't my intention at all)."
"Also, sidenote: He's like four and a half years older than me. I met him last September and on and off many times with a few months of minimal contact. These offs end with him acting as if nothing happened."
"This incident was the calmest he's behaved if compared to past situations, so you can guess what the worst may have looked like."
"I only gave him a chance cause he was trying to control his anger issues. But I think you can't expect a 29-year-old to fix the misogyny."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she was right to be upset.
"He was s**tty, but it was her fault; I just love that. NOR."
"If she hadn’t interrupted his highness, none of this would have happened. Why can’t she just admit it?"
"I’m so glad I’m long out of the dating pool. There is no bar anymore; it’s what can I get from you while I treat you like s**t. Man, the good old days of dating are long over." - Shadow4summer
"NOR. The 'I'm the man' line revealed everything OP needs to know about him. He couldn't handle a simple, harmless interruption, so he tried to humiliate her in public to regain control. Taking his own dumpling dive while trying to act superior is peak karma, honestly." - virelaczi
"NOR! If a 'small' man tries to put you down in public on a date, run the eff away! It doesn’t matter if it’s two dates, two months, or two YEARS!" - Delicious_Winner_819
"Not overreacting, this man is clearly insecure and controlling. Not to mention a misogynist. Instead of being on and off, just be off. It's better to be single than to be with someone who tries to make you feel less than." - curiouscuriel
"'I know better than you.'"
"Should tell you ALL you need to know about this 'man'. Go and find somebody who will treat you as their person... and not an object. That is what is not sitting right with you."
"NOR. And bloody run!!! I wouldn't even give him the time of day after an experience like that." - pootling_1976
"My ex would constantly say, 'You're interrupting me.' I was not. He was a psycho."
"This is how it went, for example:"
"Him: I am ordering chicken and snow peas and white rice [long pause]."
"I start to say ANYTHING (the place is on effing fire!), and he would berate me, 'You interrupted me, you ALWAYS do that, I can never speak, blah, blah blah.'"
"I say, 'Lucifer (what I call him behind his back), you took a long pause. I waited, and I thought you were done.'"
"Then THAT becomes a pile of s**t convo, more berating... He was so manipulative and verbally abusive; I cannot even scratch the surface here."
"So, no. That date is a Lucifer, and you should never even speak to him again." - Belmontisnowhideous
Others pointed out that the OP didn't have to keep dating him if this is how she felt about him.
"Great news! You do not need to spend any more time with this guy." - Blue-flash
"If you marry this guy, this behavior will only get worse. He doesn’t respect women, and he probably never will. I'd stop dating him now before you waste more time." - Additional-Start9455
"NOR. Don’t waste another minute of your life on an angry man. He’ll get worse, not better. Just find a guy who doesn’t need fixing." - Broad_Pomegranate141
"I mean, him being an insufferable smug jerk is not a small thing."
"'I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off.' But this strikes me as an elephant in the room."
"It isn't often that good, healthy relationships are on and off again. And given how profoundly rude he was, how immediately he doubled down, how condescending, etc., I can't help but think this isn't the first time he's been gross as a partner."
"NOR, but really ask yourself what you're doing here. This can't be the life you hoped for, and you know he isn't going to change as well." - Traeyze
"NOR. There's no way to live with this kind of man, honestly, and OP should definitely leave this guy."
"A year of on and off with kind of behavior is basically a preview of the next ten." - NoEar4226
"NOR. I've broken up with guys like that by telling them they were right all along. I'm just not smart enough for him. He deserves someone on his own level..."
"Hopefully he picks up the hint and does some self-reflection for his future dates (with other women)."
"For what it's worth, I have two post-graduate degrees." - PomeloPepper
"When someone treats you like s**t, you do NOT have to stay with them, no matter how long you've been together."
"Unfortunately, my therapist had to explain this to me a short time after I started seeing her because my parents never gave me any autonomy to make my own decisions. I didn’t know that I could just leave places that I didn’t feel safe in because it wasn’t an option for me until then."
"Some people do need to be given permission to do what’s best for them because of the way they were treated by their parents."
"Hopefully she does leave him because he sucks, and with the way he treats her, things will likely get worse for her." - Accomplished_Dig284
We've all heard the advice to not cry over spilled milk, but clearly, this date must fuss over garlicky noodles.
To the subReddit, it wasn't worth continuing to date a man who clearly had anger and control issues, especially given everything going on in society right now.
The OP would be better off staying single for a while or dating someone new, preferably someone who respects their differences about noodles and chopsticks.