One thing rarely addressed in discussions on mental health in the United States is the requirement for a cooperative patient.
Getting therapy is a frequent suggestion, but most people can’t be forced to get treatment or to take medication. Unless a person is an active threat to themselves or others, they can’t be hospitalized and medicated.
There’s a reason why so much of the homeless population in the USA are mentally ill. The closing of mental hospitals and group homes was called healthcare reform, but longterm care for those unable to care for themselves—temporarily or permanently—just didn’t fit the for profit healthcare model created in the 1980s.
A husband whose wife refuses care turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Penny792 asked:
“ATIAH for leaving my struggling wife?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My wife (32, female) and I (38, male) had our daughter two years ago. We’ve been together for 10 years and wanted our life together before kids.”
“The pregnancy was complicated, and when she went into labor two months early, everything happened so fast I could barely process it. She had to have an emergency C-section, and for a few terrifying hours, I thought I might lose both of them.”
“After a few weeks in the hospital, both my wife and our baby were finally stable enough to come home. Our daughter was small, but strong, and I thought once we were home, things would slowly start to feel normal again. I was wrong.”
“About two months later, my wife told me she didn’t feel connected to our daughter that she didn’t feel love for her. I didn’t know what to say.”
“I just hugged her and told her it was okay, that it might just take time and that we’d figure it out. I helped her get into therapy and tried not to pressure her to bond with our baby because I didn’t want her to feel worse.”
“Months went by. I took unpaid leave from work to take care of the baby and tried to keep everything together. I did the feedings, the diapers, the appointments everything.”
“My wife barely left our bedroom. She went to therapy and talked to her doctor, but there wasn’t much improvement.”
“My wife’s mother told me she’d ‘snap out of it’ after a while and she just needed time. So I just kept telling myself it was postpartum depression (PPD) and that she’d get better eventually.”
“When our daughter turned one, I threw her a little birthday party. I decorated, invited both sides of the family, and tried to make it special. Everyone had a good time my daughter was laughing, it felt like things were okay.”
“My wife stayed upstairs the whole time. I brought her a plate of food and asked if she wanted to come down just to sing happy birthday. She told me, ‘She won’t remember it anyway’. I just nodded and left her alone.”
“The next year my wife stopped answering her therapists calls, stopped talking to me, and stopped leaving our room completely, no matter how much I tried to talk and get her help.”
“When it was our daughter’s 2nd birthday, I planned the entire party by myself, hoping she might finally come out and join us. She didn’t. She hadn’t held our daughter in months. She barely spoke to her.”
“I finally snapped that day. I went upstairs and told her how unfair it was, that our daughter didn’t deserve to be ignored or treated like she didn’t exist. My wife just stared at the wall and didn’t say anything. I stood there for a bit, then walked out.”
“After that, something in me just broke. I realized I couldn’t keep doing it. It wasn’t fair to my daughter or to me. I’d done everything I could, therapy, patience, support, but nothing changed.”
“A few weeks later, I packed up and left. I took our daughter with me, I went to my mother’s and I have been staying with her.”
“Now my wife’s family is furious. They’ve tried to take my daughter, they’ve been calling me an insensitive piece of sh*t, saying I abandoned her when she was struggling, that I should’ve stayed and been more understanding. But I was understanding. For 2 years. I supported her through everything, even when it meant putting my own life on hold.”
“AITAH?”
The OP later added:
“I didn’t realise I’d left so much unsaid. When my wife was constantly in our room, I was the one looking after our daughter.”
“My wife and I had stable careers before deciding to have her, and we were living comfortably with good savings. When I couldn’t work for almost two years, I was on unpaid leave and eventually lost my job. My wife wasn’t working either, which cost her hers too.”
“I was covering all the bills, appointments, insurance, food basically living off our savings.”
“My wife tried medication like SSRIs, but she never stayed on them long enough for them to help. The doctor said it could take up to six weeks to feel the full effect, but she never lasted more than a month.”
“I’d drive her to her appointments (that I scheduled) and have my mom look after our daughter while we were gone.”
“I’ve seen multiple comments asking if I tried to get my wife to ‘bond’ with my daughter, I take full accountability that I did not. I was so scared it would just build my wife’s resentment of her, I now understand that might’ve fixed some things or helped, but in the moment all I could think about was all the negative things my wife had said.”
“However I did not in any way deny my wife holding her or seeing her at all. My wife never wanted to, but I know if she wanted to I would’ve been more than willing to let her.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to put his child’s needs first (NTA).
“NTA. You wife needs serious help. Possibly inpatient mental health services. But, your top priority has to be your daughter.”
“If her parents keep harassing you, tell them ‘I have to take care of my daughter. I need you to step up and take care of yours, because I can’t take care of both of them at the same time’.” ~ kam49ers4ever
“You absolutely did the right thing getting your daughter out of that environment. It’s a very dangerous situation for her.” ~ Kimmietoo2
“I shouldn’t armchair diagnose, but this sounds like a very, very severe case of PPD at the very least. If not some form of PTSD from going through what she went through. 2 years is way too long to be bedridden.” ~ b3mark
“It’s possible she’s having postpartum psychosis, rather than depression. Psychosis can present as ‘negative symptoms’ like flat affect, withdrawal, anhedonia, reduced speech.” ~ paliwannacracker
“NTA. You have to prioritise your children. Even when they’re adults.”
“Which leads me to the question, where the f*ck were her parents while she was virtually catatonic for two years?” ~ Kind_Ad7899
“Everyone including her folks and doctor left him holding the bag. The folks only spoke up when he had the nerve to leave. He’s not the a**hole. But he needs help, for himself the wife and the baby.” ~ Southern_Bus4965
“Your wife needs to go to an in-patient treatment facility. I’m not sure where you are, I’m in Canada, and we have treatment centres for mental health whether it be addiction, depression or any other mental health issue.”
“There she will take part in programs and classes and they will get her on the right medication if she needs it and she’ll get the help she needs. I hope they offer these services where you are. You should really look into them or let her family know to look into them.”
“You’ve done nothing wrong. You’ve been holding it together by yourself and there’s only so much one person can do. Your wife needs a team of people.” ~ No-Night-6700
“Your wife needs hospitalization. This is too deep for ‘she snaps out of it’ and therapy. You have to take care of your daughter, and your wife needs professional help in a psychiatric hospital and medication.” ~ Anastriannnna
“So this sounds like when PPD gets so far into psychosis it requires hospitalization. Most people think PPD is short lived and everyone bounces back. I have met and worked with parents that 5 years later are still dealing with severe PPD and psychosis.”
“She needed inpatient help probably more than a year and a half ago. Really when she broke down to you. Most people don’t know that.”
“The only a**hole here is the mother-in-law who told you she would just figure it out. That was the most damning of advice she could have given.”
“Go after mom for child support. Courts may push her to do inpatient before she can have visitation or she may sign over her rights.” ~ autisticNerd13
“NAH. I believe you did what was best for you and your daughter. She is your number one priority. She is young now but soon she will be old enough to understand that mom is here but not being mom to me. And that will affect your child. So removing her from the situation was best for now.”
“But your wife still needs help. Tell her family to stop pointing fingers and help her. Help you to help her. They can help by getting her into inpatient care or something because outpatient wasn’t working.”
“She may not want to do it, but she has to if she ever wants to get her life back—with or without you and your daughter. And she may be angry at all of you for taking her there, but you and her family are not equipped to care for someone who refuses to leave their room.”
“I’m sorry you are going through this. Good luck.” ~ Frequent_Couple5498
The OP is in a difficult situation, having to choose between his wife and his child. Depending on where he lives, forcing his wife to get help may not be an option.
Hopefully her family’s concern shifts from attacking the person who took care of her for two years while they did nothing to getting her the help she needs.