The International LGBTQ+ Travel Association (IGLTA) produces a comprehensive guide to LGBTQ+ travel safety. It’s an unfortunate reality that some countries aren’t safe for some, or all, members of the LGBTQ+ community.
Knowing what laws or attitudes exist in places you want to travel is important. And it’s not just a matter of laws making being LGBTQ+ illegal.
If your destination doesn’t recognize marriage between anyone other than a cisgender woman and a cisgender man or parental rights for non-biological parents, travelers could find themselves excluded from medical decisions in the case of an accident involving their spouse or children.
A woman invited to travel to a country where being LGBTQ+ is illegal turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after declining the invitation.
Ok-Tower7381 asked:
“AITA for telling a friend exactly why my wife and I wouldn’t go on a trip with her?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My wife and I (both 32, both female) have a friend named Anna (33). Anna is so sweet, very funny and can also be very naive.”
“While this isn’t always a bad thing, she is at times ignorant of how the world works, news, etc…”
“Anna has family that owns a large vacation property in another country. She’s long wanted to take a friends’ trip there, and is finally planning on doing so.”
“Multiple people have been invited, and this past weekend when she and I got coffee, my wife and I were invited.”
“The problem is, homosexuality is criminalized in this country. In case you missed it, I am a woman married to a woman and I would not feel safe traveling there.”
“I would especially be worried about my wife—she has a very classic ‘butch’ look whereas I am more feminine. I know a lot of times these laws will pertain more towards gay men, but still.”
“We would not feel safe, and that’s what matters.”
“For what it’s worth, my wife knew we were probably going to be invited and said ‘f*ck no’ to any idea of traveling there when I mentioned it. I didn’t make a choice for the both of us by myself.”
“I told Anna, ‘no, I’m sorry, but my wife and I would not be able to travel there’. Well, she pressed why, so I said ‘because we’re gay. That country criminalizes gay people’.”
“She just said ‘oh’ and kind of awkwardly changed the topic.”
“Later though, I got a text. She said she felt I embarrassed her for not knowing, and while she didn’t know, it’s not like she’s homophobic or anything, just that she wants to go on a trip there and why did I have to be so blunt about it?”
“I’m really frustrated, and also—I feel bad. I’m not sure why. I guess I could have made an excuse, that airfare is pricey right now or we had something else planned, but…?”
“My wife is saying I didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t know.”
“AITA?”
The OP later added:
“I didn’t include which country, because I felt it was wrong. The government makes these choices.”
“I would feel bad putting the blame on a whole country that certainly has an LGBTQ+ population, hidden or not. It’s in the Middle East and that’s all I’ll say.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I think I might be the a**hole for feeding Anna some hard truths, instead of making up an excuse for why my wife and I couldn’t go on the trip.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. People sometimes conflate GIVING THEM AN ANSWER or NO with being blunt. It’s not. You answered her, you told her no, and then you told her WHY.”
“The why had nothing to do with her and everything to do with YOU AND YOUR WIFES (supposedly her friends) SAFETY and the country in question being anti-gay. Okay, she didn’t know, well, now she does! Because you told her!”
“Honestly, she’s being a kind of sh*tty about it. No one called her homophobic. She’s making it weird because she’s internalizing the NO and the WHY.”
This is a dumb thing for her to get upset over. Why not be like, ‘OH SH*T, thanks for telling me, I didn’t know that! I don’t want y’all to be in danger!’.”
“She’s taking it offensively,y which is a bad look. Bad vibe.” ~ Little_Hatsuko
“Her feelings about being embarrassed because she was naive and inconsiderate to the OP do not matter more than the fact that the OP had to educate her, or the fact that safety as gay women when on vacation is something OP and her wife have to consider at all.”
“She’s prioritizing her feelings here – something people with great privilege often fall into the trap of. At least until they do the internal work needed to learn how to more automatically consider the needs of others with different circumstances/privileges.”
“Hopefully, she takes this as that learning opportunity and does that work – but she may need the fact that she is centering herself (AGAIN) in the narrative pointed out to her.”
“That’s not OP’s job, but if she feels she has the capacity to do so, it would be a further kindness.” ~ RosalindGarnet
“Seriously, how can you be that out of touch and just go on not knowing anything about your country, or where your family lives, or where you are from, that you don’t know laws like that?”
“That’s definitely a symptom of privilege. It doesn’t affect her, so it doesn’t exist, it doesn’t even cross her mind to do her own research before inviting them into a situation where they could end up violently murdered.”
“Maybe she’s completely detached AND privileged, but feel like she’s being disingenuous about the entire thing; combative, resistant to correction. How can you claim to be someone’s friend and act that way? Like her feelings are not more important than OP and OP’s wife’s LIVES.”
Hopefully, she starts holding a mirror up to herself, and soon. Gonna lose friendships over pride (hell, probably hasn’t been the first), and she’s got nothing to be proud of in this situation.” ~ Little_Hatsuko
“NTA. If your friend is so uncomfortable with hearing a direct answer about this I sincerely have no idea what ‘non-blunt’ way she expected you to communicate this. If you’re good enough friends you can ask her, but really you have ZERO to feel bad about. You didn’t judge her or call her out at all, you answered the question by only saying something about yourself and your own reasons.”
“Sure she probably now feels guilty for inviting you and not knowing. Or guilty that she is vacationing there, a place you aren’t welcome. Let her sit with the discomfort and guilt. That’s not on you, it’s for her to handle, and hopefully grow from this experience.” ~ dead_b4_quarantine
“100%. If you do choose to reply OP (and you certainly don’t have to!), don’t apologise. You said nothing wrong, you weren’t mean to her, she’s just looking for someone to blame for her own discomfort now.”
“Honestly I would be so tempted to be snarky replying to that. “You’re right, I should have found a more delicate way of pointing out that people like us are regularly imprisoned(/executed?) in that country. My bad. Next time I’ll find a way to sugarcoat it for you.”
Or if you want to be more diplomatic, ‘I wasn’t trying to embarrass you, but there’s no way to sugarcoat the reality. If it weren’t for that we’d have loved to come on the trip, but it’s dangerous for us’.” ~ redminx17
“NTA. Your friend will have to sit with her discomfort about this instead of having you mop up her feelings. Maybe a vacation at her family’s vast estate will cheer her up.”
“Don’t give her what she wants because if you do, she’ll never learn.” ~ No-Housing-5124
“Lots of people are ignorant of risks that don’t apply to them. I’ve had well-meaning men ask me why I don’t just take a taxi (bad experiences), crash at X’s place (a virtual stranger), visit some dangerous country, etc. all the time.”
“It doesn’t make OP’s friend a bad person, not to know. What’s unfair is how she’s projected her own embarrassment onto OP. She should have just said, ‘Oh my goodness, I didn’t realise.’ and leave it at that.” ~ GorgeousGracious
“NTA. Let me get this straight…your rich friend can walk around with the PRIVILEGE of not thinking about the bad things about the world….and when things (not directly about her) are brought up in the context of your safety, she gets mad at YOU‽‽”
“You need to rethink this friendship – at 33 she is CHOOSING to be this ignorant.” ~ No_Glove_1575
“Right? She needs to re-evaluate her definition of the term blunt, too, because OP saying, “It’s not safe because we are a same-sex couple and being lgbtq is criminalized there,” is hardly mocking and humiliating her for not knowing that.”
“How else did she want OP to say it? By dancing around the topic and instead lying about not having PTO or something?” ~ perpetuallyxhausted
“Honestly, she should feel embarrassed. It’s the correct response to realizing you’ve been obliviously ignorant of your privilege. Lashing out at the person who made you aware of it isn’t, though.” ~ maddallena
“It’s natural to have blind spots. It is not possible to know everything on this Earth and beyond. And no one knows what they don’t know.”
“Sure, some things may seem obvious to others, and her ignorance may come from a place of privilege; but she doesn’t need to take the embarrassment negatively. I can respect someone who can acknowledge that they didn’t know something and then does better going forward.”
“Assuming OP was not passive-aggressive or trying to make the friend feel stupid or ignorant, the friend’s guilt/shame for not knowing is definitely misdirected. If anything, she should be embarrassed for blaming OP for embarrassing her. Especially since she wanted to know the reason OP was declining.”
“OP, I hope she also learns to be appreciative of the fact you told her the reason you two won’t be joining this trip without sugarcoating it. You are letting her know that the two of you would want to go on a trip with her, just not to certain destinations.”
“And that you know that you can be honest with her. I doubt she’d prefer to continue to not know, with the two of you coming up with excuses every time she wants to go somewhere that is not inclusive.” ~ Poshskirt
As the OP stated, their personal comfort and safety need to be their priority.
Neither of which have anything to do with their friend.