For many couples, sex is an integral part of a relationship.
It is a way for people to connect and show their affection for one another.
When sex begins to wane, a lot of issues tend to surface.
Not every couple will stay on the same sexual wavelength forever.
This can be a big red flag about the relationship or the new status quo.
A husband and father found himself in a personal dilemma regarding his reaction to his and his wife's sex life, so he turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
He asked:
"AITA for staying on medication that changed my interest in physical intimacy even though now my wife wants it more?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Ok, so my wife (36 F[emale]) and I (40 M[ale]) have been married for 13 years."
"We have one kid who's 8."
"Early in our relationship, our physical side was very good."
"After we got married, that side of our relationship slowly declined over the years to where we did nothing more than a quick kiss on the lips once or twice a month. "
"That went on for a long time, and honestly, I just accepted it."
"When we decided to have a child, things improved for a while."
"After our kid was born, that affection and closeness happened a bit more often, but still, nothing more than a kiss once or twice a month."
"I've always had a more emotional connection, and over time, it started to feel like she was only doing anything out of wanting to keep me happy, not because she actually wanted to."
"That part bothered me more because to me I love having that connection between us."
"Well, I tried talking to her about it."
"I suggested she talk to a doctor, and she said, "The problem isn't with me, so why would I do that?'"
"Same response when I suggested counseling."
"I also tried doing things to make it easier and tried to be more supportive, but nothing really changed in the long term."
"Eventually, I talked to my own doctor about how frustrated and down I was feeling."
"He prescribed medication to help my mood and also lower how strongly I felt about this issue."
"It honestly helped a lot."
"I felt calmer and less resentful."
"But even then, I still wanted more than just the occasional kiss, so we talked again."
"She said she'd try harder, but like before, it only lasted about a week."
"My doctor later increased the dose."
"Now things have really flipped. "
"My interest is much lower, and now she seems to want to do anything more than kissing more often than I do."
"I feel bad turning her down sometimes, but overall I feel happier, more stable, and like our marriage is better than it's ever been."
"I could lower the medication, but I don't really want to because I feel good where I am."
"I do notice when she wants to spend time together, but I don't feel the same need anymore, and that makes me feel a little guilty."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA for staying on medication that works for me even though now I'm the one who's now less interested?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Ha. That is so tragically hilarious."
"But also realistic."
"The calmer he was, the happier and more comfortable he was, the more attractive and approachable he started to be to her." ~ Lithogiraffe
"What stands out to me the most in this situation is that someone suggests counseling and the other person says I'm not the problem, so why would I do that?"
"Couples go to counseling because there is a problem in the relationship, and it is being contributed to by multiple parties and is affecting all parties in different ways."
"You don't go to counseling to see a referee who's gonna point one person and lay all the blame on them."
"It's to help the people in the couple develop skills to reflect upon themselves, and have productive conversations with their partner so that they can reach a compromise in this challenging situation." ~ Corgilicious
"I agree."
"I also wonder what else was going on in the household. "
"They have a kid together."
"The kid is now at an age where it doesn't need constant supervision, and 'suddenly and magically' the wife is more interested in intimacy."
"It COULD be that she's been responsible for the entire workload, physical, practical, and mental, for the entire household, and she's finally found some room to breathe."
"Men often think it's transactional when women say they'd be more inclined to want intimacy when they weren't busy all evening with chores, but it's the truth."
"'Porn for women' could just be a video of a sexy guy, doing dishes, and putting kids to bed."
"Edit to add: And the 'what is his intention' was the first thing that came to mind."
"He doesn't seem to want to fix anything."
"He's just focused on his own comfort, or giving her what he feels he got from her, when she wasn't willing to work on things." ~ Baudica
"Seems like they both have the attitude of 'if I'm not in the mood, sucks for you, bro.'"
"I do sense a part of OP's current situation is giving her a taste of her own medicine... which is probably not great for the relationship." ~ Emergency-Paint-6457
"NTA. We're probably on the same medication, and my wife/family is happier with my behavior/attitude."
"In my case, the reduced/nonexistent drive was a plus as my wife is going through surgical menopause. "
"That said, our counselor advised us to rekindle emotional intimacy and also work on the physical connection."
"Maybe try scheduling it, new foreplay, or get E[rectile] D[ysfunction] meds to counteract the side effect." ~ WobbleTodd
"So YOU took medicines to accommodate her needs (or rather lack thereof)?"
"That was a bad choice in itself because there was nothing wrong with you."
"But it helped the relationship."
"Now she wants the opposite and needs you to make a change again, not her."
"This was to be expected since you did it the first time, she'll expect you to do it EVERY time."
"That is why it was a bad choice in the first place."
"Going to lower doses or throwing out the medicine now will be another bad choice from your side."
"Sure, it probably will help the relationship, and it is probably better for your physical health to not take these kinds of medicines, and it will give you what you wanted before, more intimacy."
"But how long will it last?"
"Right, not that long, and you will be back on those medicines again, because in the eyes of your wife, you are and always were the problem, and you took care of it, so you need to take care of it every time."
"Note. You were NOT the problem."
"You want a better relationship?"
"You change the medicine, but be prepared to be stabbed in the back afterward because she knows how to do it."
"If you don't do anything to increase the intimacy. "
"You run the risk of her finding it somewhere else."
"And sorry to say, but there is a chance that she found it somewhere else for a long time already when she cut you off."
"Her wanting it now could mean somewhere else, or someone else is out of the picture for now."
"You'd better find out what changed for her and make a decision based on that." ~ dhbxxxx
"NTA. You should be revisiting the couples councelling request."
"While you were pursuing her, she was fine to dismiss your needs."
"Now that you're not pursuing her, she's instigating."
"That's unhealthy, push/pull dynamic."
"You need to consider if you were with someone who matched your intimacy needs, would you still need the meds?"
"Would you rather numb your needs or be with someone who can meet them?" ~ Beeblebrox_74
"NTA. I say this, but you should also consider that you should not have to take medications to decimate your libido because your partner has no interest in intimacy or your happiness in the least."
"She only cared once you stopped, which says SHE wants to be wanted and needs to feel desired, but doesn't really give a damn about what you need."
"Her dismissive and insulting response to your request says everything about her level of concern for your feelings." ~ H3110_T43R3
"I'm confused because you know exactly how it feels to be in the position she's currently in - rejected and neglected."
"But since that's no longer you, you simply don't care?"
"Either you care about your wife and your relationship, or you don't."
"It kinda feels like you're happier to have the tables turned on her than you are to have a healthy relationship."
"NTA if you don't care about your marriage."
"If you do care about your marriage, then you're going about this all wrong." ~ Grrrrr_Arrrrrgh
"Mental health is not an easy thing to balance."
"NAH. You need to get better, you need to feel happy."
"But she needs to feel loved."
"I feel like maybe it's time to talk with your doctor about it."
"Maybe they can suggest some other medication that could help balance things out, or work out a slow, very deliberate plan to lower your current medication." ~ IrrelevantManatee
"So for 13 years you've barely been intimate, and as soon as you stop pushing i,t she wants some, so typical."
"If only you knew it was that easy the whole time!"
"I say NTA, she's been withholding from you all this time for her own mental health or whatever reason, and now that your mental health is a priority, she's gotta deal with it like you have been doing."
"Of course, she WILL cheat on you if you don't find a way, so be prepared for that."
"She will want attention, and it won't be hard for her to find it." ~ Camel_Holocaust
Reddit is with you, OP.
There is a lot to unpack here, though.
It sounds like y'all may need more than Reddit's help.
Sex is a big relationship issue that can be very fragile to discuss.
Hopefully, you both find a fulfilling compromise.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp