Not everybody gets an invite.
That is a big life lesson.
Sometimes the guest list is smaller than small.
And people have to learn how to adjust their feelings.
Redditor u/ToadNoodles wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for not inviting MIL to lunch?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"We recently had our baby baptized, and it was a really small, intimate thing."
"My sister came down to be her godmother, and other than my M[other]-I[n]-L[aw], we didn’t invite any other family or friends because extended family lives far away and visited a few weeks prior and said they couldn’t make it anyways."
"My MIL lives nearby, so we invited her to the baptism."
"She’s a different religion than us and has questioned our religious views in the past, so things have been a little awkward around that."
"After the baptism, my sister and I wanted to grab lunch before she headed home."
"She wasn’t even staying a full 24 hours, and I probably won’t see her again for another couple of years, and we talk like once a year. "
"We basically just wanted some chill time together before she left."
"My MIL wanted to come too, but we told her we were just going to spend some family time with my sister since we rarely see her."
"We had already seen my MIL TWICE that week, and she lives close by, so we see her all the time."
"Also, my sister has pretty bad social anxiety and hardly talks as is, and meals with my MIL can be really tense and awkward, which could have made the visit uncomfortable for all."
"We just wanted one quick meal with my sister where we could actually talk and enjoy some time together before she left."
"Now we’re being told that we excluded my MIL and that she’s all upset."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. MIL has limited awareness beyond herself." ~ chippychipson
"NTA... you explained, and now MIL can be upset - There is nothing you can do about it."
"Please don't apologize for wanting time with just your sister." ~ marblefree
"ESH - it's the timing."
"It's 100% normal to eat together after a baptism."
"I can understand her feeling that the celebration was continuing without her."
"Why couldn't her son have lunch with her?"
"It's highly unusual where I'm from to invite people to a baptism and then say, 'Thanks for coming, bye, the other ladies are going for lunch, but you can't come.'"
"That would be considered rude."
"However, if you had planned and communicated properly in advance, this could have been avoided."
"I do understand wanting sister time, but the timing can create a feeling of exclusion."
"I don't think MIL is irrational." ~ Kami_Sang
"Who cares whether she's upset or not?"
"You don't owe anybody to let them invite you to something you planned."
"You had already included her, and as you said, you'd already seen her socially a couple of times that week."
"You didn't do anything wrong whatsoever, and good for you for standing up for yourself and getting some alone time with your sister." ~ NamasteNoodle
"NTA. If you explained to MIL as you did here."
"I don’t see why MIL still wanted to go and be upset afterwards."
"If you care, you can ask her out for an hour at a park."
"Say you’ll bring sandwiches and she can bring her tea/coffee."
"For a short picnic."
"If she says no (as I hoped), then let her."
"Let her play the victim."
"That’s probably her energy to keep her life running."
"Enjoy your blessed life."
"Take care of your baby, husband, and yourself."
"Don’t worry about what she said." ~ JudeTheBear555
"Normally there’s a little something after the baptism."
"It can be punch and cookies in the church basement, but something."
"Depending on parochial customs, the Godparents often host that event."
"I’m used to people giving financial gifts - a nice kick-in to the child's 529 account is my usual gift."
"I understand that your sister didn’t want to do that, but it’s not totally out of pocket that your MIL thought there would be something. NTA." ~ BombshellJamboree
"NTA. If MIL is upset, it’s for her to deal with."
"You’re not responsible for her feelings, and all you wanted was some private time with your sister."
"That said, it would have been better if you didn’t discuss going to lunch right in front of her."
"What she didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her." ~ FormerlyDK
"NTA, all things considered, I think. It would have likely been better, though, if you could have spoken more honestly with your MIL about your need to go with your sister alone."
"Maybe then she would have better understood the exclusion."
"I will say, though, if the 'we' you speak of included anyone other than you and your sister, then I think you did wrong in excluding your MIL, and I get her hurt feelings." ~ Realistic_Head4279
"You keep saying ‘we’ wanted some private time with your sister."
"Who is ‘we?'"
"Your spouse?"
"It’s confusing, because on one hand, you say you want one-on-one time with your sister, and on the other hand, the word ‘we’ keeps coming up."
"It’s troubling that, if ‘we’ means your spouse, their mother was excluded." ~ Cataclysmus78
"Ehhhhh."
"I think it's the done thing to have some kind of reception for a baptism. "
"Even if it's just a little snack thing."
"I totally get your reasoning, but you and your partner should have done something with the whole group before you had the sister lunch."
"YTA but not with venom... lol." ~ OkSecretary1231
"NAH. If MIL made the effort to come to the baptism, especially as it isn’t her religion, it would have been gracious to include her in the lunch and would have saved you a headache."
"But it’s also fine not to do so." ~ Tiny_Shelter440
"I imagine that if you, Sister, husband, and baby all went to lunch post-baptism, it would be logical for MIL to assume she was coming with you."
"I can see her feelings being bruised if she was sort of 'not invited' in the moment."
"However, if you had communicated with her ahead of time that Sister was going to have to get going shortly afterwards, and lunch was a chance for her to catch up with you and Husband, AND MIL STILL had some hurt feelings."
" And now she's blasting the business out for all and sundry."
"Then I think she's wrong."
"Genuinely, I think this was just a misstep and a sincere 'I'm sorry that us having lunch with only her was upsetting/if we misspoke or somehow conveyed that we don't enjoy your company. Sister had to head home, and we see her so rarely, we wanted to make the most of her visit as it was.'"
MIL'll probably insert hurt feelings here, play it by ear."
"Again, we're sorry that our miscommunication led to hurt feelings; that's definitely not what we want/wanted for such an important event."
"Would you be able to join us for X event (trunk or treat/turkey trot/Christmas lights/etc.)."
"This year?"
"Again, play it by ear." ~ okiesotan
"Why does the MIL have to be included if the spouse is?"
"They see the MIL every week and presumably get plenty of time with just her."
"OP's spouse also wanting to catch up with his SIL doesn't mean he's mistreating his mum."
"I assume OP means they wanted her sister to be the focus of their attention."
"They knew she'd feel uncomfortable with someone she didn't know, and her comfort took priority since they rarely see her." ~ ClumsyandLost
"She was already told and still tried to invite herself." ~ Hairy-Tomatillo-
OP came back to chat...
"Based on comments, I wanted to add additional clarity..."
"The night before the baptism, my MIL texted my husband if we could get lunch afterward."
"He advised her we’d (me, him, and baby) be spending the last bit of time with my sister because we haven’t seen her in a long time and probably wouldn’t see her for another year or more."
"We never explicitly said, 'We are getting lunch without you.'"
"MIL just assumed lunch, which happened to be correct."
"The lunch also wasn’t an official party or anything."
"It truly was a meal to talk candidly and catch up before she left right after."
Most of Reddit is with you, OP.
It is a little awkward to leave someone out of an invite for a small after-event when they were part of the main event.
Hopefully, this will all just blow over.
Good Luck.
