Cancer sucks.
Too many people have been taken by the brutal disease.
Every day, all over the world, people are waging a war on cancer.
Many do win.
Cancer is not a topic people take lightly.
So it's shocking when some people use it for nefarious reasons.
Redditor Fit-Hunt-2476 to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for exposing my sister's fake cancer to our parents after she refused to come clean herself?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (34 F[emale]) just found out that my sister (31 F), who has been telling my whole family she has cancer for the last 8 months, has been lying."
"She shaved her head, said she was doing chemo, and had our parents move in to 'help her through treatment.'"
"I started to have doubt when, besides also staying out late relatively frequently, she would never let anyone attend appointments with her, and she clearly had way too much energy for someone going through aggressive chemotherapy."
"Last week, I ran into the office manager of my sister's oncologist at a coffee shop (small town)."
"I casually mentioned my sister, and the office manager was confused; she had no idea who I was talking about."
"I did some digging through doctors and spoke to my sister about what I learned, and she broke down and spilled her guts."
"It turns out she fabricated the whole story because she was over her head with debt and couldn't afford her apartment anymore."
"The cancer story got our parents to move in, and she could then stop paying her bills."
"I was furious and told her that she had 24 hours to tell our parents the truth or I would."
"She asked me not to tell them because it would ruin her relationship with them."
"She did not tell them, so yesterday I told everything to our parents."
"Our parents are heartbroken."
"My sister is acting like I had no right to 'out' her and she didn't even say this to our parents, she was going to stage a 'miraculous recovery' next month."
"She said I ruined her life, and that family should be trying to defend each other rather than expose each other."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for exposing my sister's fake cancer to our parents after she refused to come clean herself?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA for telling them."
"But you were a tiny bit of an AH for not demanding that she tell your parents immediately, like within 15 minutes of finding out."
"24 hours is too long to be deceived into thinking your child is dying." ~ Additional_Mood_7997
"As someone who survived 6 different cancer diagnoses, including chemotherapy for ovarian cancer, please tell your sister that I hope she knows how hard a cancer patient has to fight just to survive."
"Your sister is a lunatic and a monster." ~ Electrical-Act-7170
"Honestly, I do not think you should regret giving her 24 hours."
"In my opinion, that's totally reasonable."
"Gives her time to come up with an apology that hopefully is genuine, but clearly, that wasn't the direction she chose to go."
"My stepdaughter accidentally outed herself to me about something that her mother would certainly be unhappy about; It wasn't earth-shattering, nor particularly bad, just that garden variety parental disappointment thing."
"I gave her a similar ultimatum, it was 'You have till the end of the weekend to tell Mom. I can be there if you want when you do, but you need to tell her.'"
"Giving people that f**ked up a chance to do their own processing about the magnitude of their f**k-up is not a bad thing when giving that time won't change anything.
"Also if it's not obvious: NTA."
"One million percent NTA." ~ slash_networkboy
"Completely agree with you."
"OP, your sister's lie went way too far, and your parents deserved the truth sooner."
"Giving her 24 hours was honestly more grace than she deserved."
"You did the right thing, even if it was hard, protecting your family from that kind of manipulation matters." ~ PuffySprinkless
"NTA. There is no rule that 'family' is supposed to corroborate psychopathic lies or else be accused of ruining the liar's life." ~ Content-Plenty-268
"NTA whatsoever."
"Unfortunately, my 'cousin' pulled the same stunt."
"My family is still dealing with his stupidity a few years later, and it's exhausting (secondhand, my beloved albeit gullible grandparents refuse to cut him off)."
"My advice is to talk with your parents about getting her some sort of help and go very limited contact with her (no contact if she refuses)."
"Also, don't be surprised if she pulls a similar stunt again."
"From what I've experienced, people who do this are chronic liars who are addicted to the attention and have a permanent victim complex." ~ maplethistle
"NTA. I'm really curious about the family dynamic here, though."
"I couldn't imagine not being able to just go to my parents and ask for help."
"This whole situation is weird." ~ Ferowin
"Does your sister have a history of this kind of manipulation?"
"Or was she a bit of a spoiled child/golden child?"
"You are definitely NTA, but this kind of behavior just doesn't come out of nowhere."
"If you haven't seen it before then I bet somebody else has." ~ Single-Tangerine9992
"NTA. Putting your parents through the agony of thinking you have cancer and making them pay for your apartment when their money needs to start going to their retirement fund is sick." ~ Pale_Cranberry1502
"NTA OMG, why do people do this?"
"Why do people fake illnesses?"
"Her reasoning, just to use her parents for their money, is absolutely diabolical."
"I hope they sue her to recoup anything they've paid to help her." ~ EdenCapwell
"Too many people fake cancer, and as someone who has battled it 3 times, it's no joke the side effects of chemo are deadly themselves, and to use that as a sympathy ploy is outlandish." ~ Dangerous_Farm_2188
"Your sister needs mental help… ASAP… that is not only beyond horrific to do to your parents (I saw my parents go through it with my sister's brain cancer, and it destroyed them on the inside), but that's beyond disturbing?!?"
"Pathological liar is what comes to mind."
"The normal person would probably find another job, find another place, move back in with parents, or get a roommate."
"The only thing she came up with was cancer… just says a lot about her."
"She deserves everything she's going through, and I hope she gets the help she needs."
"Don't regret what you did, someone had to stop the manipulation and lying."
"When she matures she'll realize what you did is what was needed for it to stop." ~ Ly22
"My best friend of 35 years had aggressive cancer two years ago."
"I gave her my flat to live in."
"She only pays bills, no rent."
"She struggled for a year."
"And is still not okay due to neuropathy."
"Your sister spat in the face of all cancer patients and survivors."
"NTA. And I won't even start on how your parents must feel and felt." ~ Seaweed8888
"NTA... family does defend each other… you were defending your parents from her emotional and financial abuse and manipulation."
"She's not the victim." ~ similar_name4489
"Lol. NTA."
"A chick in our motorcycle community just pulled this crap, including the shaved head, a whole lot."
"Got people to raise money for her motorcycle accessories and willed people into helping her build stuff because she supposedly had a year to live."
"We even organized a surprise ride as a 'one last ride.'"
"Only for her to start bragging, that she doesn't have cancer and was not dying, not leaving 2 kids behind etc, etc."
"Her hubby left her over the lie, and the ENTIRE state bike community has shunned her so hard for lying to us that she may as well get rid of her bike, nobody will go near her."
"The point I'm making is that these people are another level of effed in the head and don't deserve sympathy when it all comes to light."
"Cancer is just the ONE thing you don't lie about, and the level of disrespect toward actual cancer patients is just... whole other level."
"Please let it come to light."
"She dug her own hole, and now she can sit and stare at it while realizing nobody will ever trust her again. NTA." ~ kasparzellar
"You did defend your family."
"The ones who were being scammed by someone who didn't care about them at all and just saw them as servants and a wallet to take from."
"You actually had an obligation to "out" her or you would be participating in her fraud."
"She could literally be arrested for this level of fraud for cash gain, and anyone who contributed one penny to her case could bring the charges she should be grateful you are not going that route."
"NTA at all." ~ Ok_Pomegranate_5748
"It takes a true psychopath to fake cancer for any reason."
"I am so sorry you and your family had to go through this."
"I hope your sister decides to get help from a psychiatrist or therapist/some qualified person."
"I also hope your sister realizes what she's done and decides to make amends."
"I wish you and your parents a happy heart." ~ REDDIT
"Your sister might be a sociopath, so she might not exactly be able to take any blame at all."
"And since sociopathy is incurable, as it technically is no disease, but a wrongly wired brain, you will never be able to find a working ground with her." ~ Azula-the-firelord
"She's right, family should defend each other."
"Just like you defended your parents against her manipulation and theft by deception. NTA." ~ Maximum-Spot-9087
Reddit is with you, OP.
Where does one even begin to try and process your sister's actions?
It's outrageous!
She needs a therapist, stat!
You had every right to do what you did.
She is correct, one should stick up for family.
You stood up for your parents.
Good luck with all of this.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp