As relationships continue to grow more and more serious, several challenges often come to light.
Sometimes one half of the couple begins to feel neglected, other times one might not think their partner is taking their relationship seriously enough.
And then there’s the constant fear that one’s partner might not have “space” for them in their lives.
A fear that the boyfriend of Redditor This_Painting_3001 took literally.
Indeed the boyfriend of the original poster (OP) wasn’t afraid to mince words, and accused the OP of putting his roommate ahead of him in their relationship.
Concerned he didn’t handle the situation as well as he could have, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for telling my boyfriend he doesn’t have a vote in my apartment?”
The OP explained how every time his boyfriend came to visit his apartment, tensions tended to arise.
“Last week I (26 M[ale]) got into a fight with my boyfriend (27 M) cause he said I don’t give him the space he deserves at my place.”
“He stays with me almost every weekend and most of the times he complains about the way me and my roommate (28 F[emale]) live.”
“For example, my roommate and I are completely fine with our wifi connection, but he says he doesn’t like it and that we should change it.”
“When I said no, he got mad and told me that I don’t care about his comfort and that I should try to put him first instead of my roommate.”
“The same thing happened with the pet we own.”
“He doesn’t like that they live inside the house but I love it and so does my roommate.”
“I reached my breaking point and told him that he doesn’t get to decide the way things get done at my place, it’s just up to me and my roommate cause we are the people living there.”
“He got mad and told me I always put her first.”
“I always try my best to make things as great as possible for him when he’s there, but I feel like he doesn’t understand that there’s a boundary and he’s crossing it.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for putting his boyfriend in his place.
Everyone agreed that with the OP that his boyfriend didn’t have a say as to how he ran his apartment since he doesn’t live or pay rent there, with many wondering if it was a good idea for the OP to stay in this relationship.
“When he pays rent he gets to have an opinion.”- EwokCafe.
“I respectfully suggest replacing bf with other pet.”- belin62.
“He doesn’t care.”
“This is information for you.”
“Don’t change a thing.”
“This is your place.”
“It takes a real tool to be super vocal in someone else’s apartment about numerous things that are basically unimportant.”
“The singular answer to these complaints is ‘if you don’t like it here, go home’.”
“He’s actually being fairly controlling and manipulative here.”
“I’m betting he didn’t even offer to chip in for the WiFi to be changed to the way he’d like it to be.”
“I mean, sure you should look out for his comfort, but that means food that he’ll be fine eating, not designing your home around his preferences.”
“Even if he lived with you, he’d still only get a partial vote and what you want would count also.”
“You’re not choosing your roommate over him.”
“You’re choosing YOU over him.”
“Please be clear about that.”
“Your right to choose, your right to have a setup that you like in a home that you live in.”
“Etc. and so on.”
“You’re choosing YOU.”
“When he’s pushing what he wants for a place that he only visits on the weekend over the preferences of the people who live there?”
“He’s saying what you want isn’t even EQUAL to what he wants.”
“He’s saying it’s less than.”
“Pay attention to that.”
“He’s being so unreasonable.”
“If he wants better wifi tell him to pay for it. “
“If he doesn’t like how you and your roommate do things, then he can come over less until he learns that not everything in life can be catered to him.”- tobeornottobeme3.
“And take this as a lesson, do you ever want to share a living situation with this person?”-PurpleMarsAlien.
“However, if he is willing to pay for the upgrade in the wifi on a monthly basis, maybe.”
“Keep the apartment.”
“Keep the roommate.”
“Keep the pets.”
“Dump the boyfriend.”-Francie1966.
“Your place, your rules.”
“Bf doesn’t like it?”
“Sucks to suck.”-IKnowFewThings.
“I’m curious as to how long you have been dating, because this guy seems fairly pushy.”
“Asking you to change the WiFi presumably means changing your plan and paying more?.”
“That’s a big ask from some who’s not technically living there.”
“Wanting to put the pets outside is an even bigger ask, and a potential sign that you are not compatible.”
“Putting an indoor pet outside can be dangerous for them, especially if it’s a cat that might wander away, get lost, get hit by a car or attacked by a larger animal. or kill a bunch of birds.”
“A dog in a fenced-in backyard would probably be safe, but still shouldn’t be forced outside for his preferences.”
“Bear in mind, this will be an ongoing issue if you want to live with him, and have pets.”
“Keep your pets safe.”
“Also, his argument that you are ‘putting the roommate first’ is completely twisting the situation, and ignoring the fact that you also have these same preferences.”
“Unless you have been using the roommate as an excuse, this makes your boyfriend seem somewhat manipulative, in addition to pushy.”
“He is asking for some big changes to your living situation, and when you refuse, he is turning it into a game of ‘You must care about your roommate more than meeeeeee!’ to try to guilt you into complying.”
“Maybe he’s actually an OK dude and you can compromise when you actually live together and he’s paying rent, but this behavior doesn’t really bode well for the relationship.”
“Also please don’t put the pets outside for his sake, unless it’s literally a horse or a timber wolf or something.
“It sounds like he doesn’t actually like or care about your pets, and that’s another big problem.”-Thesafflower.
“Send him home to his mother.”- Guilty_BaN.
“He doesn’t live there so it’s ridiculous for him to demand space.”
“Also, presumably you and your roommate split the Internet bill, so it’s only reasonable that you and your roommate decide what level of service you want to pay for.”
“On the other hand, if he’s not happy at your place, then he might decide no to hang out with you on the weekends, which is his prerogative.”- Cohomology-is-fun.
“He wants space?”
“Then he can stay at his own place.”
“If he lived and paid rent there, he could have a say, but he’s just a house guest with a s****y attitude.”- Caffeine-IVdrip.
“Don’t change the wifi, change the boyfriend.”-pdxflwerpwer.
“He is a guest not a tenant.”
“Until he moves in full time and pays rent he is rude to make demands.”
“Your roommate is paying her part so of course she has a say in how she lives and what services are used.”
“How long have you been dating?”-May_I_inquire.
“This is the easiest ‘dump him’ I’ve ever had.”- archgayologist.
“Usually I say guests should be comfortable in one’s home.”
“But he has a relationship with you.”
“He probably does not contribute to the Internet so whoever pays for it, gets to decide if it should be changed .”
“I have to admit, does he not like the WiFi name?”
“He can always choose not to connect to it.”
“It is your living space.”
“It seems like staying at his place over the weekend is out of the question.”
“But this is also a good way to test out living together.”
“Hopefully these two things can be compromised at some point, if needed.”- crbryant1972.
“NTA but pet people and no pets people are not compatible.”-akwaitress.
“Stop letting him stay the night.”- teresajs.
“NTA if he’s that uncomfortable he can just stay home.”- NextOccasion4127.
NTA. Tell him he is now the outdoor pet.”- BlueLavender0104.
One can understand that the OP’s boyfriend is concerned he’s not a big enough part of his life.
But his controlling nature is a very strange way to ensure their relationship has a future.
Indeed, if this is a hint of what living together is going to be like, who knows how hard the OP will fight to keep this relationship going?