There are few moments as momentous for a married couple than buying their first house.
Even if the celebration is always accompanied by a fair amount of strife.
As searching for the house isn’t always easy, with the happy couples often having a competing list of priorities for each house.
Even if a couple doesn’t manage to find the “perfect house”, it’s important that they find one they’re both on the same page with.
Such was sadly not the case for Redditor RaiFlynt, who was less than thrilled to discover that her husband had gone ahead and made an offer on her house without checking in with her first.
The original poster (OP) made no attempt at hiding her unhappiness in the matter, which her husband had a difficult time accepting.
Wondering if she was out of line, the OP took to the subreddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for being ungrateful over the house my husband bought for us?”
The OP shared how her excitement in buying her first house with her husband quickly evaporated when her husband proceeded without her.
“I (29 F[emale]) am upset that my husband (34 M[ale]) purchased a home for us with very little consultation from me.”
“My husband and I have been together for 6 years in those year we have moved 4 times between 3 states.”
“This was supposed to be the final move.”
“My husband has worked very hard in his career, and I have always supported him.”
“Consistently putting my needs to the side, picking up and moving at the drop of a hat because I have the luxury of being able to work from anywhere.”
“We decided at the end of 2019 to settle down, buy a home, and have a child.”
“2020 came and life had to be put on hold.”
“A few months ago he got the promotion he wanted.”
“The raise was significant, and wouldn’t require anymore relocating.”
“We talked about it and agreed to find our ‘forever home’ and to start trying for kids.”
“The move would require us going to a state neither of us had lived in before.”
“We’d looked at half a dozen places virtually, and he’d been traveling for 3 days a week to stay there living in a hotel so he could work onsite and view homes in person when he could.”
“One day he sent me the link to a listing and asked what I thought.”
“I said the house looked nice, but I wanted to see it in person.”
“He came home the next day telling me he put in an offer on that house I liked.”
“I was extremely upset and told him I didn’t want to commit to this place.”
“He assured me I was going to love it.”
“I contacted the realtor asking if we could get out of the offer and the short of it was no.”
“Since no one was living in the house the realtor did get approval for me to do an in person tour and the house was fine.”
“The neighborhood however left me feeling uneasy.”
“It just didn’t seem like a safe place to raise kids, and about 4 houses down there was a home that was boarded up.”
“The realtor assured me there were good schools in the area so it was family friendly.”
“We moved in this weekend and have spent 2 nights here.”
“This place does not feel like a home to me.”
“Being on the 4th move in 6 years I normally have no issue settling into a new space.”
“I would not have said yes to this home.”
“I haven’t seen or heard anyone, adults, children or pets, all weekend when the weather has been nice.”
“Last night my husband and I got into a fight when I told him tearfully that I just don’t want to live here.”
“I have tried explaining to him over and over again that the issue isn’t just the whole process of me not being involved, but also that I genuinely am not comfortable here.”
“Even his family has gone as far as to say that I’m ‘overreacting and not even giving the place a chance’.”
“He told me if after a year I still hate it here we can move again, but that just feels like we’re putting things on hold again.”
“Am I the A**hole for seeming ungrateful?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for being upset that her husband bought a house without consulting her first.
Everyone agreed that the OP’s husband should not have made such an important decision without consulting her first, with many expressing how his behavior was enough to merit the OP seriously re-evaluating her marriage.
“So your husband made a huge financial decision without consulting you and expects you to suck it up and deal.”
“NTA but you have bigger issues than just a house you don’t like.”- FigSpecific2502
“You absolutely are not being heard at all and then the response from his side is shut up and deal with it.”
“Go see your sister for a month to re-evaluate, perhaps even roll a fun trip with her in there.”
“Spouses/marriage are supposed to make you happy.”
“In your post you’ve consistently put your wants behind his, he doesn’t care and it’s getting old.”
“Please wait on kids for now too.”
“This isn’t all about the house, consider that the straw.”- Particular_Produce63
“I think you are severely under reacting.”
“He bought a house!”
“Without you even getting to see it!”
“A house that I’m guessing has your name on it and whose mortgage you’ll be expected to contribute to, yet you didn’t get to choose and it’s in an area that does not sound ideal at all for what you were intending.”
“I think a betrayal of this level is going to require some couples therapy to get past honestly.”-kdawg09
“You can be thankful for the work your husband puts in and still be upset he made a huge life decision without you.”
“It’s not being ungrateful.”
“You might want to reconsider having kids with this guy.”
“He has ignored and disregarded your feelings on something as important as where you live and work.”
“You will probably be in the house way more than him and it doesn’t sound like he cares how comfortable you are in your own home.”
“Having and raising kids with someone like that is not going to be easy.”
“And who gives him the right to say you have to live there for a year before moving if YOU don’t want to live there?”
“I can’t imagine ever doing something like that to my partner.”
“The moment you said you weren’t comfortable he should have been looking for a way to sell the house.”
After reading everything people had to say in the comments, the OP returned sharing an update regarding her future plans.
“Thank you all for your replies.”
“Just an update on some things.”
“In the first week of November my sister will be coming to stay with us for a week.”
“She will be here to help validate my feelings on the neighborhood as well as to be a buffer when I insist on couples counseling.”
“This behavior is somewhat new from him.”
“I think him being unemployed during 2020 left him feeling somewhat helpless and since then he’s tried to over compensate by neglecting our partnership.”
“I will speak with a lawyer to see what my rights are.”
“I am opening my own bank account and changing my direct deposit to that so I do not make payments on the mortgage as my name isn’t on any paperwork to my knowledge.”
“I do have my own career.”
“I don’t make triple digits, but I do make significant money and enough to support myself.”
“I have my own insurance and my own 401k that he does not have access to.”
“I don’t think he’d mess with my BC, but you have all made me a bit paranoid so I will be putting it somewhere safe just in case.”
“I will absolutely not be adding a child to this mess.”
“I plan to make him come with me to meet our next door neighbors this afternoon when he’s back from work.”
“I’m hoping if they’re hostile or weird maybe it will help justify my feelings to him.”
“What’s going on here?”
“Weren’t you both the client of your realtor?”
“Wouldn’t you both need to sign an offer?”
“You absolutely can get out of an offer if you need to.”
“Did you sign the mortgage?”
“If so, why?”
“He acted selfishly and alone and not in your best interest.”
“You are either going to have to make peace with it and decide that you’re going to be passive in your marriage, or you will have to react more and decide to be an active part of your own life.”
“You’re NTA but you have to show up for yourself.”- imtchogirl
Buying your first house, in reality, is putting roots down on a home.
As a result, it should be a decision made by anyone making it their home, not just one individual.
One can only hope the OP’s husband eventually hears his wife’s unhappiness and reflects on his decisions.
Otherwise, he could have very likely bought a house at the expense of his marriage.