Content Warning: Bullying, Self-Harm, Bullies Who Encourage Self-Harming Behaviors
It’s well-known how serious bullying can be and the long-lasting harm it can do to a person. When a person is bullied, it’s their loved ones’ job to be their support network.
It’s always so shocking when a loved one willingly brings a past bully into the victim’s life, cringed the “Am the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor ididsomethingbaddd had been terribly bullied and tormented during his high school years after coming out as gay.
When his brother showed up at the Fourth of July, saying that he was engaged to the Original Poster (OP)’s past bully, he was shocked when the family supported the union.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for cutting my brother out of my life because of who he’s marrying?”
The OP had a terrible bully in high school.
“I’m Sean (27 Male), and my brother is Devin (28 Male). He is marrying Erin (28 Female), and she is my high school bully. I say ‘bully,’ but really ‘tormentor’ is more accurate.”
“My brother knows this. He went to school with me he saw it all.”
“I came out as gay during my freshman year. I didn’t announce it or anything, but I told my friend, and he told someone who told other people.”
“When Erin found out, she and her group of friends chose to f**k with me. The things included innocently enough pointing and laughing, walking up and saying gay jokes, asking boys to ask me out and then laugh at me.”
“Then they escalated to less innocent things, like in my sophomore year, they left a razor blade in my locker with a note saying try again after I tried to off myself. Just s**tty things until she left my junior year so I had my senior year to myself.”
The OP was shocked when his brother brought Erin home to meet the family.
“Well, now Devin brought her over for the Fourth of July last month and introduced her as his fiancée. I didn’t even know they were dating, and neither did my parents.”
“They know what she did, and they were surprised at first but decided she must have changed and told me to give her a chance.”
“I was p**sed off and distant the rest of the day. I didn’t talk to him and just hung out with my cousins.”
The OP and his brother got into an argument about the family get-together.
“The next day, Devin called me and asked why I didn’t talk to him at all the day before.”
“I told him he was marrying a raging [c-word] who wanted me to sl*t my wrists in the bathroom. Why would I talk to him?”
“He blew up on me, telling me I have no right to say that about his fiancée, and that she isn’t the same person she was in high school.”
“He argued that I shouldn’t judge anyone based on their actions as a kid, blah blah blah.”
“I hung up on him and am not planning on talking to him again until he apologizes.”
“He had my parents call me to tell me they think I really should give her a chance. She’s a changed person, and she has told them she’s sorry for what she did to me in the past.”
“Lol (laughing out loud)?? I didn’t get that apology, so who the f**k cares if she says sorry to them? I sure as f**k don’t.”
“I told them until she’s begging me to give her a chance for forgiveness, they can f**k off with my brother.”
But things escalated when Erin reached out to the OP.
“Well, now as of an hour ago, Erin messaged me a very heartfelt and sweet message, which I will copy and paste here:”
“‘Hey Sean, this is Erin. I’m sorry about my actions in high school, but honestly, it was a decade ago, and I don’t know why you care anymore. The things you do as kids don’t accurately reflect who you are as a person, and I doubt you’re the same person as you were back then. The fact that you’re judging me and not even letting me be happy with your brother when we announced a very serious and joyful thing is honestly very disappointing. I figured you would have grown up and not acted like a child about this.'”
“Well (evil smile), I f**king hate her, bro, holy s**t, so I replied:”
“‘Hey [c-word], glad to hear from you (middle finger emoji). You destroyed my high school years and never even gave a glimpse of remorse, so you can go f**k yourself. I hope your marriage with my brother ends in cheating and fighting and you living in a box under the freeway. Again, f**k you, you f**king [c-word].'”
The OP was pretty sure he was comfortable with his actions.
“So now, I don’t know, I think I’m done with my brother and just the entire situation.”
“I thankfully have a great support system around me. I have a boyfriend I’ve lived with for two years now and a good friend group, so I’m relatively ok with cutting them off. It’s not like I’m super close with my family; it’s a more distant relationship anyway. I see them on holidays, and we call each other every so often to talk about our lives and give updates, but that’s it.”
“Am I in the wrong for dropping my brother out of my life and not moving on from what his future wife (gag) has done?”
“Even if I am, I don’t think I care, but I kinda want an outside opinion.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: Not the A**hole
Some thought it was clear that Erin had not changed at all.
“I think you took the heart and soul of her ‘apology’ to heart and gave her back what she was giving.”
“She hasn’t changed.”
“I’d suggest you show your parents her apology and let them know you responded in kind.”
“NTA.” – grayblue_grrl
“Yeah, she didn’t change at all. She was forced to apologize and couldn’t even do THAT right.” – lmahich69
“‘I’m sorry but…’ is not a f**king apology. She says sorry and then proceeds to tell him that her past actions shouldn’t matter because it’s been a decade, as if it didn’t affect OP as a young person and even now as an adult (literally making his own parents tell him to just accept past bullying…).”
“Bullies always think their actions are nothing and have no lasting effects (eye roll). NTA, OP! They probably won’t even care what you think soon enough because clearly, your brother didn’t even think about you for a second before starting a relationship with that girl.” – stanloonathx
“NTA, OP.”
“If she apologized and truly meant it and did actions that backed that up, that would be different.”
“But she sent a non-apology, blaming you for not moving on and ‘growing up’ so she can just keep ignoring the horrible things she did.” – Scary-Cycle1508
“I didn’t even read all of Erin’s apology; I skipped over it to the rest of the post. She started gaslighting him in the second sentence and I’m p**sed on OP’s behalf.”
“If she was sorry, she would have privately approached OP during the dating period. I hope OP realizes they don’t need toxic people in their lives. They should speak calmly and plainly in person to their parents and let terms be set.”
“That they are not okay with this. That it was unforgivable and this was not an apology. And that they don’t need bullies and big*ts as family.”
“I speak once a year to my sibling. And it’s guaranteed a, ‘Hi, I’m good, how are you? Good,’ and nothing more. They don’t deserve more from me, and it sounds like the OP’s family doesn’t deserve more, either.” – SAHDog_Mom
“I was expecting an actual apology. Where is the apology in what she wrote?”
“From experience, people rarely change; they just naturally evolve a little bit with age, but most retain the same essence they had when they were children/teens.”
“A few exceptions, but the majority simply don’t change. NTA, OP.” – Educational_Gas_92
Others encouraged the OP to move on and to share his side of the story, publicly if needed.
“I’d share this post with all of the family, and maybe social media, too. They’ll just get on OP’s a** for ‘airing private family matters with strangers,’ but so what?”
“They’ve already chosen a side, and it’s not the OP’s.”
“Remember OP, the best revenge is moving on to live your best life without toxic trash to drag you down.” – -UP2L8-
“I’d screenshot and post Erin’s ‘apology’ to social media and tag the brother. Then I’d caption it, ‘An apology I got from my high school bully who is currently my brother’s future wife. Apparently, she has changed.'” – too-petty-to-care01
“I would post Erin’s ‘apology’ on every social media account I have, tag everyone from the family I can, and then add this:”
“‘Upon the announcement of my brother’s engagement to Erin, I would like to take this opportunity to welcome my high school abuser to the family. We have such fond memories together already, from the time she outed and ostracised me before I was ready to my peers, when she encouraged her straight friends to torment me, and we can’t forget the time she provided me such sweet support after my failed suicide attempt and gave me the tools and encouragement to do a better job.'”
“‘You remember all that, don’t you, Sis? Let me know if you need reimbursing for the razor blade you left in my locker. Weddings are expensive!'”
“Anyway, my parents told me I need to give her a chance because she’s changed. She even apologized, see below? So welcome to the family, Erin! I hope you bring as much joy to my brother in your marriage as you brought me in high school.'” – BlueDaemon17
“OP owes them nothing. Sometimes, cutting out toxic people is the healthiest choice. Let them deal with the mess they chose. NTA at all.” – reaulstoutOVO
“His parents are just siding with his brother for grandchildren. NTA, OP.”
“I hope OP’s parents are ready to protect those potential children from their homophobic incubator should the need arise.”
“But unfortunately, homophobia probably isn’t even the worst concern in this situation, as bad as THAT is all by itself. She is likely a sociopath who cannot even take responsibility for her behavior in an apology.”
“The apology should have been in person or a phone call if face-to-face is impossible. A real apology acknowledges her actions and provides a detailed list of what she is sorry for. Instead, she tells him he didn’t matter and still doesn’t.” – Business_Monkeys7
“One of my housemates suggested that OP was a little bit of an ah for the language in his response. I argued otherwise. Erin made his life in high school h**l for three years. Ten years later, OP is blindsided not just with the relationship, but an engagement.”
“And A MONTH AND A HALF LATER of not talking to his brother, she reaches out with that non-apology. Erin is a flaming a**hole, Devin is also an a**hole for dismissing his brother’s very valid feelings and trauma, and now also the parents are joining in the a**holery.”
“I’m not old enough to be his mother, but I can be his new big sister.”
“Bud, if you see this, you don’t need this toxicity in your life. You deserve happiness, validation, and support. You owe them nothing. You sure as s**t don’t owe HER an apology. You don’t owe your brother an apology, nor your parents.” – LadyBloo
Not only was the subReddit disgusted that the family was okay with this bully coming into the family, but they were shocked that the family was so dismissive of the OP’s feelings, likely for the sake of a wedding ceremony and children.
Fortunately, the OP had other people in his life who would show him support, so if this was how his biological family was going to treat him, estrangement, unfortunately, would always be an option.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/
LGBTQ+ Youth can get help through:
- TrevorChat — 24/7/365 at https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-help-now/#services
- TrevorLifeline — phone service available 24/7 at 1-866-488-7386
- TrevorText — Text “START” to 678678. Available 24/7/365.
- TrevorSpace — online international peer-to-peer community for LGBTQ young people and their friends at https://www.trevorspace.org/
Trevor Support Center — LGBTQ youth & allies can find answers to FAQs and explore resources at https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/trevor-support-center/#sm.0000121hx9lvicotqs52mb1saenel