Moving in together is a major turning point in a relationship.
Of course, the adjustment isn’t always easy.
It could take as little as one day of living together before a couple realizes the different ways they handle certain things.
Some of these might be miniscule, and easy enough to adapt to, while other things might lead to some tension.
Such was the case for Redditor ThrowRA-Hyena9607 when his pregnant girlfriend moved into his apartment.
The original poster (OP) began to express his frustrations as he began to notice more and more changes his girlfriend was making throughout the apartment, leading to some tense words between the both of them.
Worried that he might have overreacted, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for not wanting my girlfriend to decorate my apartment?”
The OP explained how his girlfriend began to redecorate the apartment without ever consulting him first, eventually putting a strain on his patience.
“I (29 M[ale]) have been with my girlfriend (24 F[emale]) for 2 years now.”
“We have not lived together before, but she’s currently 18 weeks pregnant so I suggested that she move in with me once her lease was up.”
“It ended at the end of June, so she’s been living with me for almost 3 weeks now.”
“While we get along well and overall living together has been great, I’ve noticed that she’s started to change things around my apartment.”
“She only brought a few things over since my apartment is fully furnished so I understand her need to make it feel more like her space.”
“Everything in my apartment is mid century modern, it’s a mid century modern building and I bought the apartment because of how much I love that style.”
“Some of the things that she’s suggesting or bringing into the apartment absolutely does not go with that vibe.”
“She’s taken down some of my artwork and replaced it, cleared off shelves I curated and put her knickknacks on it, went through my pantry and cleared out things she thought were unhealthy, all without asking me.”
“She works from home while I work in the office so she has a lot more time at the apartment than I do.”
“I just wish she would run things by me first.”
“I’m an architect, she’s an editor and doesn’t have that same designer eye which clearly shows.”
“What really bothered me was that she started to throw some things away without asking.”
“I went to take out the trash and saw that some birthday cards I kept were in there.”
“When I asked about it, she said she was just getting rid of ‘clutter’ but her stuff is more like clutter and mine has actual sentimental value.”
“I told her to stop touching things in the apartment and she pointed out that she should have a say because she lives there which I agree with but she doesn’t run anything by me.”
“Now she’s being very avoidant and passive aggressive.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community didn’t find much sympathy with either the OP or his girlfriend, with most coming to the conclusion that “everybody sucks here”.
Everyone agreed that the OP and his girlfriend didn’t even seem to try to compromise, with many expressing their concerns as to how the two of them will be as parents.
“She should be able to help decorate the apartment, but she shouldn’t throw away possibly sentimental items without asking.”
“You also sound full of yourself.”- HalfBear-HalfCat
“You can’t agree on how to decorate, but you’re going to have a baby?”- fuwaldah
“ESH: You do realize that when you have a baby, your ‘carefully curated’ apartment vibe will change very much, right?”
“That said, she shouldn’t be throwing your stuff out without asking you.”
“Time to sit down, have an adult conversation and come up with a compromise.”- NorthernLitUp
“I would have said NTA if not for the ‘I told her to stop touching things in the apartment’.”
“She has an equal say in what your space looks like and a right to make it feel like home for her.”
“She’s TA for making changes without talking to you, and especially for throwing some of your stuff out without your consent.”
“You guys need to have a talk and reach a compromise.”
“Did you go out of your way to make her feel like the home is hers when she moved in?”
“It doesn’t necessarily sound like that’s the case.”- ytzi13
“Why did you have her move in if you wanted your apartment to stay exactly the same?”
“You for expecting her to to follow your style and her for throwing things away without asking.”
“Sit down and have a talk and come to some sort of compromise.”- mdthomas
“I’m literally so confused as to how people get as far as having kids and never ever communicate anything or know anything about the person they fucked a kid into.”- princessvaultgirl1
“You two need to sit down and actually talk about how you want the apartment to look now that you both live here.”
“That will almost certainly mean sacrificing some of your precious mid-century aesthetic, since you don’t actually live in a photo shoot and who’s got the better ‘designer eye’ means f*ck all compared to finding something you can both live with.”
“But she needs to quit just changing stuff around without consulting you, especially when it comes to personal effects.”
“Otherwise, get to counseling before the baby gets here, because this does not bode well for how you’re going to navigate things.”- mm172
“You two need to sit down and talk before assuming and doing things.”- VroomVroomFun
“She shouldn’t be doing this without checking with you, especially throwing anything away.”
“You should be welcoming her to participate equally with you in decorating what is now your joint home, and you definitely shouldn’t be saying rude stuff like ‘my stuff has sentimental value, hers is clutter’.”
“By definition, anything that has sentimental value to you but not to her is clutter to her and vice versa, but since you’ve just heard what it’s like to hear the things which have sentimental value to you dismissed as clutter, you shouldn’t be doing it right back.”- VoyagerVII
“ESH, it’s not your apartment anymore, she lives there now too and is allowed to feel at home there.”
“This poor woman is carrying YOUR CHILD, why the f*ck wouldn’t you want her to be happy and comfortable where she’s living?”
“However, she really should have asked before throwing things out.”
“However, you both need to learn to compromise, that is the essence of what a relationship is.”
“What do you expect to happen when the baby arrives?”
“The baby probably won’t be safe around mid-mod sh*t.”
“You’re acting like Ted Mosby, be better.”- ICastDeathMuffins
“Her for throwing your things away, determining what you can’t and can eat and not collaborating in decor.”
“You for not recognizing that this is now her apartment too and also not working collaboratively to make this a comfortable space for both of you where things you love can be seen and bring you joy.”
“Was she just supposed to trash all her things to move in with you?”
“Leave them in storage?”
“Like I really don’t get what you thought would happen.”
“You’re also a design snob and that’s annoying.”
“You don’t have to be an architect or designer to decorate your house in a way that you like.”
“Fix that attitude of yours.”
“Mid-century modern pieces and homes are also SO easy and versatile to adjust to any style of design so you are being rigid for no reason.”- aamfbta
There were a few who didn’t think either the OP or his girlfriend did anything that was necessarily wrong, but still agreed that they both needed to communicate better.
“NAH, but you two need to sit down and talk.”
“You can’t invite someone to move in and not expect that they will make some changes.”
“It’s not okay to throw away things that belong to other people and she needs to quit that.’
“You say that your stuff is more important than hers because it’s sentimental, but you need to consider that her stuff might be sentimental as well.”
“You are both going to have to learn to compromise.”
“If the two of you can’t work this out and quickly, it’s a very poor indicator for the longevity of your relationship.”- IAmHerdingCatz
There were also a few who felt that only the OP’s girlfriend was at fault for making changes without even talking to him.
“It’s common for one person to change up the living environment to their sole preference.”
“This is a relationship ship problem that needs addressing, as it won’t solve itself.”- D_Winds
It’s never ok to throw something out that isn’t yours, so it’s understandable why the OP was annoyed.
But the OP could be a little more sympathetic when it comes to his girlfriend wanting to put her own touches on the apartment, if it is going to be her home.
Here’s hoping they might learn to improve their skills in compromise, sharing and communication before the baby arrives.