Some people simply rely on routine.
This might include keeping a strict schedule to your day when it comes to exercise, work and eating.
Or, making sure you maintain regular, scheduled get-togethers with your inner circle of friends.
Redditor aholebrother44 and his closest friends had developed a regular get together which everyone in the group had come to rely on.
Recently, the original poster (OP), included his younger brother in this hangout.
But things took an awkward turn when the OP’s brother asked if he could bring someone to these monthly gatherings, and the majority of the group, including the OP, said no.
Afraid he was being insensitive to his brother, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I the A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for telling my brother that he can’t invite his boyfriend on a boy’s night?”
The OP explained how the person his brother wanted to bring to their “boy’s nights” went expressly against the purpose of why they started them, but his brother thought he was being exluded for a different reason.
“For the last few years my (21 M[ale]) friends and I have had what we call a boy’s night once a month.”
“All we do on these nights is just drink, play games or watch a movie or two.”
“My brother (19 M[ale]) started to join us as soon as he turned 18.”
“The thing is whenever we had a boys night all of our girlfriends would have a girls night on the same night.”
“So really it’s become a situation where everyone gets a night to spend time with friends without their partner there, you know have a life outside of the relationship type deal.”
“This has been the case since we first started these nights.”
“Problem is is that my brother got himself his first boyfriend a few weeks ago and when we were organizing things for this months night he wanted him to come.”
“Since the whole point of the night is pretty much for us to spend away from our partners I told my brother that I didn’t think that it would be okay for him to come.”
“My brother wanted to put it up to a vote for everyone else but the vote was pretty much split down the middle with my vote splitting the difference between him coming and not coming.”
“Now my brother is saying that the real reason is because I’m uncomfortable with him, boyfriend, coming along.”
“Which isn’t true FYI.”
“He thinks that the whole thing has to do with homophobia or whatever instead of the simple reason as the whole point of the night is for us to hang out without our partners.”
“Now he’s refusing to come and says that the only way that he will come is if I invite his partner, but I just feel that that invalidates the whole point of us hanging out.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The Reddit community was generally divided, but for the most part agreed that it was perfectly fair for the OP to tell his brother he couldn’t bring his boyfriend to “boy’s night”, and that he was not the a**hole.
Many understood the rationale behind having a “partner-free” night, and the OP’s brother bringing his boyfriend completely defeated the purpose.
“Fellow queer here, and when I was last in a relationship with a woman, I frequently went to ‘girls’ nights’ with my female friends while my girlfriend hung out on her own or with her own friend group.”
“As you said, it’s important to have your own, separate social lives in a relationship and spend some time away from your partner, no matter their gender.”- girlandagun
“Sounds pretty straight forward to me.”
“Seems like the point of excluding everyone’s SO is so there’s no potential for relationship drama.”
“Just because his SO is a guy doesn’t change that they’re still in a relationship.”
“Also sounds like your brother is projecting.”
“Unless you’ve been excluding your brothers SO from other things as well, then no problem here and he’s just mad.”- imthatguysammy
“And if your brother insists on not coming, then so what?”
“Gay man here, and I fully understand the reasons.”
“You want a group night where everyone is free to relax without a relationship dynamic operating.”
“One person bringing their partner spoils that.”
“Moreover, soon some are going to say, ‘well, if he can bring his partner, then I can bring mine, and if you don’t agree, you’re being sexist’.”
“More to the point, the group took a vote and your brother lost, which indicates over half the friend group feels the same way.”
“You might want to change the rules of the group.”
“Make it clear it’s for men to come without their partners.”-RighteousVengeance
Others though, while still feeling the OP was justified, did sympathize with the OP’s brother, as his boyfriend ended up being the odd one out, and the OP called the gathering “boy’s night”, not “no-partners nigh
“NAH, but I’d consider changing the name to ‘no partners night’ or something.”-unicornjerboa
“I can see both sides.”
“It is great to have a night away from partners and to see friends, I think that is really important to have in relationships.”
“But he may feel his partner is being excluded from ‘boys night’ due to issues with his sexuality as there isn’t an other option for his partner other than to be left out.”- Lalalelo94
“I was prepared to say NTA based on the title, but that there’s also a friend-group girls night that he also, I’m assuming, can’t go to, which changed my mind.”- MonsterSnooze
“NAH but you need to call the night something else.”
“‘Boys & girls night’ implies all men in the friends group are welcome.”
“Doing that in itself makes the gay couple feel not included.”
“If your brother’s BF is new to the group he might not feel comfortable being put ‘with the girls’.
“Call the night something else, it’s not hard.”
“ALSO you need to organize some kind of hangout with your brother and his BF as soon as possible.”
“Clearly he wants you to be OK with his new relationship and you need to put some time and energy into making his BF feel welcome.”-ViolaVetch75
“No, you’re not the asshole for wanting time with no partners but I can understand why your brother’s boyfriend would feel left out.”
“This isn’t just a night without partners, this is a situation where partners of the group ARE also hanging out, and he’s the only one not included in the girls’ night or the boys’ night.”
“Everyone in the group including partners are hanging out and bonding and getting to know each other better and he’s the only one being excluded because he doesn’t fit into either group.”
“It’s one of those things where no, you are not necessarily at fault, but I understand why as gay people, brother and BF feel excluded/alienated for being the only people that don’t fit the typical relationship structure.”
“Your brother shouldn’t be trying to force his boyfriend being invited somewhere he’s not really welcome.”
“b\But at the same time if the group is gonna function in this way, then brother and bf are likely gonna feel excluded and maybe stop coming as much, and branch out for other friendship groups where they’re not the odd ones out.”-niv727
“Your brother wants to continue with the boys night but also wants to include his partner, obviously you don’t want to suggest a man goes to a girls night but you don’t want a partner at a partner free night.”
“You might want to try having him there once and see if it does make such a huge difference to the dynamic or if it’s just slightly different.”
“This is a problem specifically because it’s a same sex couple and your brother might be noticing how much harder it is to do things straight people take for granted.”
“Like partners being able to be included in a way other people’s partners are.”
“It is important to have time away from romantic relationship stuff, and it’s wonderful to see that being supported.”
“Although I do hope that the guys do other guy nights with the male partners of their girlfriends other friends.”
“Because if they only get girls nights with the girlfriends of their partners friends it would be a bit suspicious or aren’t willing to do so that would be weird.”
“It is a pickle and I hope you find a way through it without upsetting your brother.”-HannahAnthonia
Though not maliciously, it does seem that the OP neglected to realize that his brother’s boyfriend was not welcome at either “boy’s night” or “girl’s night”.
And when in a new relationship, one does feel inclined to spend every waking moment with their new significant other, which might be the case for the OP’s brother.
Should this relationship last, though, it’s easy to assume that the idea of a partner free evening might hold considerably more appeal in a few months.