Even in our fairly progressive modern age, there are those who find close, platonic friendships between two people of the opposite genders fairly taboo.
Some feel weary entering these types of friendships, amidst concerns that the two of them might develop romantic feelings for one another, potentially ruining their friendship.
Spouses of these friends often share these concerns, and are even less comfortable when these friendships form.
Such was the case for Redditor Monkeywithtwoheads, who was told by the fiancé of a close, female friend, that he wasn’t comfortable with the amount of time they were spending with one another, and asked them to see each other less often.
Though hurt by the news, the OP agreed to consider this request, on one condition.
But concerned his condition may have been out of line, the original poster (OP) took to the sub Reddit “Am I the A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for not agreeing to meet a friend less often?”
The OP first explained how this recent friendship came to be, and how he initially thought he hit it off with her fiancé.
“I (29 M[ale]) met Amy (28 F[emale]) earlier this year when we both were patients in a psychiatric hospital because of depression.”
“We quickly became very good friends and were able to help each other a lot.”
“We currently meet 2-3 times a week and also talk on the phone frequently.”
“Amy has a fiancé, Paul (28 M).”
“He’s honestly a great guy and I’m glad they have each other.”
“We get along well, but we’ve never met without Amy also being there.”
However, following a recent dinner party, the OP learned that he and Paul were not on quite as good terms as he thought they were.
“On Saturday, Amy and Paul hosted a small dinner party and invited me and some other friends.”
“It was a great night and we all had lots of fun.”
“Eventually Paul came up to me asked if he could have a quick talk to me in private.”
“We went to another room and basically told me that while he likes me and is happy that Amy and I became friends, it makes him feel uncomfortable that Amy is meeting up several times a week.”
“He asked me if I could meet up with her less frequently.”
“I told him that while I understand where he is coming from I think this is something he should talk about with Amy.”
“He said he doesn’t want to do that because he doesn’t want to be an a**hole who dictates who his wife can meet up with.”
“I told him that I would be okay with it if Amy agrees to it, but I wouldn’t do it if he doesn’t involve her.”
“At the time I thought this was reasonable, but today I’m not so sure anymore.”
“I can see why somebody would be uncomfortable with his soon to be wife constantly seeing another guy, and how not cooperating with him would make me an a**hole.”
“Whats your opinion on this?”
“Am I the a**hole here?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was not at all the a**hole by refusing to stop seeing Amy.
Everyone agreed that in spite of what he said, Paul was most definitely being controlling over Amy, with some even suggesting the OP tell Amy what Paul told him.
“He says he doesn’t want to dictate who his wife sees but does exactly that behind her back?”
“You should tell Amy about his underhanded controlling ways.”-bendytoepilot
“He ‘doesn’t want to dictate who his wife is meeting’ so he’s doing it in an EVEN MORE despicable way!”
“He’s the AH, and as sad the situation can be, his wife had (has?) mental issues, she has every right to see for every solution she can.”
“I hate that type of guy.”-Limbo374
“There will be big problems in this marriage if Paul can’t be honest with his wife and sneaks around behind her back to achieve his own ends.”
“Amy is probably going to need a reliable shoulder to cry on!”
“Stick around for her.”- IridescentTardigrade
“When he said he doesn’t want to be the AH who dictates who his wife can meet up with, what he actually meant is that he doesn’t want his wife to know that he is the AH who dictates who his wife can meet up with, because he is still doing exactly that.”
“Not only are you NTA, I think you have an obligation to Amy to tell her what he asked of you.”
“She has a right to know that her soon to be husband is going behind her back in this way.”-Forward_Squirrel8879
“If he’s uncomfortable he needs to talk to Amy about it.”
“Honesty goes a long way.:
“It’s not on you or him to plan her life without her knowledge.”-Krakengreyjoy
“Tell Amy he said this, and how he did it behind her back.”
“She deserves to know, so she can make an informed decision knowing how he feels about it.”
“If he already talked to her about it, and she said no, this is his way of vetoing her opinion and trying to manage her friendships himself.”
“Very controlling, and not a thing wrong with you making her aware of it.”- throwingdna
“It’s totally up to you and Amy how often you want to meet each other.”
“If he is uncomfortable with it, he has to talk to her.”
“You aren’t doing anything wrong.”-AlHazard33
“He is trying to dictate who Amy see’s just without her knowing which is worse because if you had gone along with this from her point of view a close friend would have out of no were just suddenly have distanced themselves from her for seemingly no reason.”
“This could very well be controlling behavior as he may have done this with other friend of hers pushing them away so he is the only real constant in her life.”-Drayle171
“Don’t pull away from her.”
“After the massive RED FLAG he just displayed.”
“He literally tried to make YOU the bad guy, asking you not to hang out with her often because is what HE wants.”
“He went behind her back to sabotage her friendship.”
“You are NTA.”-Fuzzy-Ad559
“Paul wants to control what Amy does, but he’s doing it by forcing you to limit your time with her so he doesn’t look like he wants to control what Amy does.”
“That’s really awful and it should be between Amy and Paul.”-TemptingPenguin369
“You handled it exactly right by suggesting it should be an open discussion with Amy involved.”
“The fact that his fiancé had been in an inpatient psychiatric hospital has apparently been lost on him.”
“He doesn’t think she may have some mental anguish about one of her closest friends suddenly backing away without probable warning or apparent explanation?”-
“She’s doing better now, possibly in no small part thanks to the caring relationships in her life including, and maybe especially, yours.”
“He’s being jealous and insecure, which isn’t good for him, for her, or their relationship.”- dart1126
“If this is really bothering Paul, he is taking the coward’s way out by confronting you about this instead of asking Amy.”
“Your response was completely reasonable – that if Amy agreed to it you would be OK with it.”
“BTW: it is perfectly fine, and normal, for someone who is married to have friends that are of the opposite sex, and society needs to get over this hangup that men and women can’t be friends without sex getting involved.”
“Also – Paul is showing signs of being insecure and controlling.”
“This isn’t a good sign for their relationship.”-bamf1701
“You were on target.”
“This is between him and Amy.”- ClothesQueasy2828
“You should really tell her what her soon to be husband said before she is stuck with that man forever.”
“Stick to your guns and don’t let him isolate her from her friends.”-Abundleofjoyx
“’I don’t want to be that husband’” proceeds to be that husband but behind her back which makes it even worse.”-West-Change-7874
“Nononono, don’t think you’re in the wrong OP.”
“You may be able to understand why he’s uncomfortable, but what you’ve done, made him talk to Amy if he wants change, is the right choice.”
“It’s a decision that changes her life, and he’s doing a disservice by trying to cut her out of that decision.”-Trouble_in_Mind.
“How often you two meet up is between you two.”
“If he has an issue, he needs to talk to his wife.”
“It is controlling and manipulative to try to cut her friends’ interactions down in such a secretive manner.”
“DEFINITELY let your friend know what her husband asked.”
“Because he doesn’t want to be an asshole who dictates who his wife can meet up with.”
“This is exactly what he is trying to do, but maybe your friend is smart enough to see the red flags if he does this, so he’s trying to make you the bad guy here instead of himself.”
“Very odd.”- Rohini_rambles
Considering everything Amy had been through, it is indeed surprising that Paul would not only ask the OP to stop seeing her, but that he would do it behind her back.
Something that will definitely affect Amy’s trust issues down the line.
Here’s hoping they can all reach an understanding which allows Amy and Paul to see one another as much as they need to.