People have very different concepts when it comes to planning.
Some people need to make detailed plans, to ensure certain events will run smoothly, and can thus organize their life around various things.
While others tend to just go with the flow a bit more, and are more adaptable should certain things not turn out quite as they expected them to.
Redditor GA2AZ fell in the former variety, and made plans for their birthday where they needed a definite headcount by a certain time.
Which posed quite a problem when one of their invited guests showed up unannounced.
Wondering if they handled the situation as well as they could have, the original poster (OP) took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for turning away a friend after he showed up to my birthday dinner without RSVPing?”
The OP explained why after one of their invited guests showed up to their birthday dinner without RSVPing, they felt there was really only one solution to the problem.
“I had a birthday dinner this weekend.’
“A week before the dinner I sent a mass text out to eight of my friends telling them the location date and time and to let me know by a certain date if they are coming so I can make a reservation at a hibachi place.”
“Most people said they could come, one friend said they couldn’t make it and another friend never responded.”
“A couple days later I was talking to one of the friends I invite about the dinner and they said they thought the friend who didn’t answer was coming but they weren’t sure.’
“I said that he needs to RSVP so I have the correct head count for the reservation.”
“I never heard from the friend who didn’t respond so I made the reservation accordingly.”
“I should add that before I made the reservation I texted in the mass text chain with ‘last chance to RSVP I’m making the reservation at this time today’.”
“The day of my dinner, the friend who didn’t respond showed up right as the hostess was asking for the name of the reservation.’
“I told her that we had an extra person show up and I apologized.”
“She looked to see if she could place all of us but was unable to find a place to accommodate an extra person without us having to wait 2 hours.”
“So I told the friend who didn’t RSVP that he could not join us for dinner.”
“He got mad and told me I was a bad friend.”
“He told me it was embarrassing to be turned away from a birthday party and that he wasted time and gas coming out.”
“I told him he should have RSVP’d.”
“He told me he told our friend that he might be going.”
“I told him that wasn’t good enough and he should have told me.”
“He told me that I should have asked him if he was coming.”
“AITA?”
“I don’t work off if hearsay.”
“Especially since the friend who said this is known for saying lots of things that don’t turn out to be true or turn out to not happen.”
“I never take what they say seriously.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for telling their friend there simply wasn’t room for him at their birthday dinner.
Everyone agreed that the OP’s friend had multiple opportunities to RSVP, and shouldn’t have assumed that the OP finding out through another mutual friend was confirmation he was coming.
“NTA.”
“You asked people to RSVP.”
“He didn’t.”
“You didn’t include him in the reservation.”
“End of story.”
“Telling another friend he might be coming is not an adequate RSVP, or actually, not an RSVP at all.”- ClothesQueasy2828
“NTA.”
“No RSVP is a no on an RSVP.”
“If he can’t be bothered to tell you directly, that’s on him.”
“It’s common courtesy.”
“And it isn’t like you told him to leave when he showed up.”
“You tried to get another seating and rightfully decided a 2 hour wait would be unreasonable and rude to the others attending.”
“You did due diligence being nice to someone with questionable manners.”
“He should be embarrassed for showing up and causing an issue he could have easily avoided with a single email.”
“I mean, how hard is it to reply with ‘yes’?”- snarkbeastie
“NTA.”
“‘Gosh I’m surprised you see you here, you didn’t tell us that you were coming’.”
“‘We did our best to accommodate you but unfortunately it looks we couldn’t put out the majority of people who did RSVP and showed up on time by 2 hours of their time’.”
“‘Sorry but that wouldn’t be right to do to them’.”
“‘I’m sorry but since you didn’t RSVP we can’t accommodate you’.”
“‘Hey just let me know next time, ok?'”
“If you let rude people walk all over you they will just take advantage.”- OpenRepair4390
“NTA.’
“it’s simple etiquette and making a person wait 2 hours for their birthday dinner because you’re being inconsiderate is unacceptable.”
‘You did the right thing.”- Minute-Inflation-713
“NTA.”
“I feel like more rude people need to be called out for this kind of shit rather than accommodated.”
“Every time their rudeness is accepted it just makes it more likely they will do it again.”
“Hopefully he learns and responds to requests in the future.”- BrinaGu3
“NTA.”
“They had 2 chances to RSVP and they should’ve let you know they were coming.”
“It’s rude to expect everyone else who did RSVP, and you, to wait 2 hours to accommodate the only person who didn’t RSVP.”- tempeluvr
‘NTA.’
“You did ask him if he was coming, that’s what an invitation is.”
‘Then you asked him to tell you if he was coming, via rsvp.”
“You aren’t obligated to ask him multiple times!”- Atala9ta
“NTA.”
“This is a life lesson for him.”- saltyfeminist_
“NTA.”
“You DID ask if he was coming.”
“Thats what all the group texts were.”
“He shouldn’t have needed a personal invitation.”
“It’s a matter of basic respect.”
“He couldn’t show you the respect of responding to the group text or responding directly to you.”
“I see it as just arrogance on his part.”
“The only exception to that would be in the circumstances where there’s an extreme personal issue.”
“For example, I have a friend who deals with severe depression and anxiety.”
“She cant handle when too many messages come through, she gets overwhelmed.”
“In that case, I probably would have assumed that a ‘maybe’ via a friend was a yes, and planed for her.”
“That way if we are short one person its not a big deal.”
“It is far more difficult to add a guest than subtract a guest.”
“You haven’t indicated that he may have such difficulties like my friend, and he only gave a nonchalant, noncommittal ‘maybe’ via your mutual friend.”
“What were you to do?”
“Assume that he ‘may’ grace you with his presence?”
“NTA at all.”- GadaboutTheGreat
“NTA.”
“YOU should be the bad friend?!”
“He couldn’t find the time to write a simple ‘yes’ to your RSVPing messages.”
“You asked him twice!”
“And his maybe through a friend.”
“How is this an ‘I’m coming’.”
“It is as good an ‘I’m not coming’.”
“And he really thinks, you should have asked him.”
“Hello?”
“How about answering!”
“But ask yourself if he really is much of a friend.”
“It seems like you were the second option for his evening plans and as his first plan felt through, your birthday was good enough.”- EvilFinch
“NTA.”
“RSVP is a french acronym for ‘please respond’, which is what your friend failed to do.”
“Just respond to the invite.”
“Most of your other friends were capable of handling this level of responsibility.”
“If responding to a text is too much for this guy, there was no reason to believe he’d show up at a dinner reservation.”
“That’s why you need a response!”- Iamnotanorange
“NTA.”
“It’s not like the restaurant could accommodate the larger number and you sent them away to be petty.”
“You had specific plans and shouldn’t be expected to change them because one person couldn’t be bothered to send a text.”- waywardjynx
“NTA.”
“You did ask, twice.”
“That’s what an RSVP is.”- Yen-sama
“NTA.”
“hHe didn’t RSVP after you asked TWICE for RSVPs, and even then, you didn’t turn him away just because he didn’t RSVP, but because the restaurant couldn’t accommodate him.”
“Maybe your friend doesn’t quite understand RSVPs and reservations at restaurants, but that isn’t your problem.”- chrystalight
One can sympathize with the OP’s friend, as it’s never fun to be turned away from anything, let alone a birthday party.
But considering the OP gave them multiple reminders to RSVP, it’s hard to feel the fault lies on anyone other than themself.
One can only hope that next time the OP’s friend gets an invite requiring him to RSVP, he won’t drag his feet again.