Moving in with your significant other is a major milestone in one’s relationship.
And with all the excitement which comes with it, it’s easy to forget that moving in together also comes with a number of adjustments and compromises.
Sharing a storage space, sharing a refrigerator, and perhaps most stress-inducing of all, dividing up the finances.
When Redditor Various-Baker1432′s girlfriend moved in with him, he initially thought that they had a good arrangement when it came to finances.
That is until she began to put up a fuss regarding one of her responsibilities, leading to an exchange of words which left her hurt and outraged.
Concerned that he may have been insensitive towards her, the original poster (OP), took to the subReddit “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for expecting GF to buy food she doesn’t like and calling her my roommate?”
The OP first explained how when his girlfriend came to be living with him, they came up with a way of dividing expenses which seemed to satisfy them both, even though he’d be paying considerably more.
“I own my own home, and seven months ago girlfriend (GF) moved in.”
“We both agreed that it would be unfair for her to contribute to my mortgage, as I am gaining equity and she is not.”
“The agreement that we came up with is that I am responsible for all house expenses, mortgage, HOA dues, taxes, insurance, maintenance, and she is responsible for living expenses, electric, water, internet, streaming, groceries.”
“We had this all hashed out before she moved in.”
“Now, obviously I’m paying a lot more.”
“I pay $2000 a month, not including regular maintenance.”
“She pays about $500 a month.”
“This is fine by me, as it is what we agreed to.”
Things got unexpectedly tense, however, when his girlfriend began to make a stink regarding one of her financial responsibilities.
“On to the actual conflict.”
“GF has started getting annoyed about groceries.”
“We keep a list on the fridge both can add too, and she goes shopping once every ten days or so.”
“She says that I put too many ‘luxury items’ on the list and it bothers her to buy expensive items she doesn’t like.”
“The main offenders are oils, olive, coconut, peanut, avocado, vegan yogurt, Iam lactose intolerant, and cashews.”
“I admit that all of these things are expensive.”
“However, I do not go through them very quickly.”
“The large oil containers last over a month each.”
“One large container of yogurt lasts over a week.”
“A large container of cashews lasts about three weeks.”
“Only the yogurt needs to be bought frequently, and the large container is just over $5.”
“Furthermore, I do not eat the cheese or milk products she buys, some of which are more expensive, fancy ice cream bars and cheese dips, than what I like.”
“GF suggested I buy my own ‘luxury goods’, since she doesn’t benefit from them.”
“She eats the dishes I cook the oils with, so this isn’t necessarily true.”
“Furthermore, this isn’t our agreement.”
“She pays no rent, and she’d be paying a lot more than $500 a month in any other roommate situation.”
“When I pointed this out, she became frustrated, saying that’s irrelevant since we aren’t roommates.”
“I argued that, in addition to being BF & GF, we are also roommates, and some of our conflicts are those that most roommates face.”
“She hated this comparison and ended the discussion abruptly to leave for work, even though she had 20 minutes before she needed to leave.”
“AITA?”
“Is there a rule I didn’t know about calling SOs roommates?”
“Is expecting our agreement to stay consistent an AH move?”
“GF mentioned that these days everyone needs to tighten the belt.”
“Should I be sacrificing more for our relationship?”
The OP clarified some specifics regarding the groceries he added to the list, as well as what their household finances usually add up to.
“I don’t drink oil or have high cholesterol.”
“Olive oil and avocado oil are used for sauces, salad dressings, etc.”
“Coconut oil I use for curries and stir fries.”
“Peanut oil for sauces and stir fries.”
“All are bought infrequently in large containers because it’s cheaper.”
“No more than one (sometimes none) needs to be replenished each month, as I said.”
“They last a long time.”
“I’m not fat or unhealthy.’
“Utilities are not expensive where we live.”
“We are both passionate about energy conservation and use very little electricity and water.”
“The utilities are still in my name, she just logs into my account to pay them.”
“I see exactly how much they are. It’s $120 a month for water and electric.”
“Internet is $60 a month.”
“GF goes Shopping every ten days.”
“She spends about $90 per shop.”
“I’ve seen receipts.”
“That’s $270.”
“I don’t know how much she pays for streaming, as I didn’t have it before she moved in.”
“If it’s more than $50 a month, then she should cancel one, because that’s ridiculous.”
“I’m not house poor and can afford my mortgage.”
“My mortgage is still cheaper than renting.”
“I do not need my girlfriend to ‘subsidize’ my house.”
“I paid all of my own bills before she moved in and would be able to continue doing so without her.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The Reddit community was generally in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for calling his girlfriend a “roommate”.
Many felt that the OP’s girlfriend was being ungrateful after the financial break he had given her.
“NTA.”
“Gf is getting a little too comfy with living ‘rent free’.”
“Time to renegotiate your finances.”
“In your situation, I’d adjust it to charge her a fair market rent and split groceries.”
“And get it in writing, that’s only fair to both of you.”- PurpleWomat
“NTA.”
“She’s being greedy.”
“And being nit picky with the term roommate.”
“It seems like she feels like she’s expecting you to financially take care of her completely.”
“Are you ok with that or no?”- janejohnson1989
“NTA.”
“2000 vs 500 is a huge difference.”
“She should stick to the agreement.”
“Those aren’t luxury items if they are used to cook with and you are lactose intolerant.”
“I am also lactose intolerant- have you tried the lactaid pills?”
“They work great in my opinion.”- Spirited_Bill_8947
There were others, though, who wondered if there might have been something behind the OP’s girlfriend’s hesitancy at buying some of his groceries, and that maybe they both needed to have a conversation about each other’s financial situations.
“Bruh I don’t think you need to be asking AITA as much as you need to be asking your GF how much she’s paying and looking at both of your finances.”
“This even more so as you’re saying that she needs to reassess her budget and sounds like she’s worried about going into the red.”
“I get you used roommate to emphasize your point but it probably sounded to her as a derogatory remark.”--Nymphetamine-
“ESH You two can’t communicate.”
“Nothing else matters.”
“You know nothing about her work or financial situation.”
“You’re sniping at each others food choices.”
“We don’t know enough about what’s going on, and honestly, it doesn’t sound like you do either.”
“Maybe the utilities and groceries add up to just $500 per month, but I find that almost impossible to believe.”
“I mean, you’ve got $25 going on yoghurt alone.”
“And the oil could be 4x$20, depending.”
“We just don’t know.”
“But I would honestly not be surprised if your groceries alone added up to the $500.”
“Maybe she’s taking you for granted.”
“Maybe she’s got no money and she really doesn’t feel she can afford everything.”
“Maybe you’re both living beyond your means.”
“Maybe she thinks you should be living on bread and water and are hopelessly indulged.”
“None of us know.”
“And that includes OP. “
“You need to talk to her.”
“You need to know each others circumstances, your wishes and priorities.”
“When these don’t align, you need to be able to talk about it and sort it out together.”
“You can’t both be pulling in the same direction if you don’t know what direction that is.”
“And it sounds like you’re in very real danger of becoming two people who ought to have split up, but are still cohabiting because neither of you can really afford not to.”-stargazeypie
As it turned out, there was more behind his girlfriend’s anger at his lavish grocery list, putting their relationship in a state of limbo, which the OP revealed in an update.
“After GF got back from her work thing and we had breakfast, we talked about finances as many suggested.”
“Turns out she had a dispute, where she was 100% in the right, with the insurance agency that refers most of her clients.”
“They haven’t referred her to anyone since.”
“So she’s been making do with word of mouth referrals and had only been getting a fraction of the business she was before.”
“Apparently her parents have been paying her car payment/insurance as well as her phone for the last couple of months, but she’s still not making enough.”
“She didn’t tell me because she was embarrassed and thought she could find a different insurance company to work with.”
“However, the agent she was working with badmouthed her, so that didn’t happen either.”
“I asked her to move out, since I don’t feel comfortable financially supporting her, and she no longer has a stable income.”
“Also, it sounds like she’s going to have to move if she wants to keep doing the work she currently does.”
“She agreed to leave by the end of the month.”
“Thanks for all of the advice/perspective.”
A very sad conclusion to an uncomfortable situation.