If there's one challenge everyone faces when in a relationship, it's how well you do, or don't, get along with your partner's parents.
Those who are lucky get along swimmingly with their partner's parents, finding them to be the family they never had, but always wanted.
Others are less lucky, finding the less time they spend around their partner's families the better.
While most people keep their less-than-cordial feelings about their in-laws private, others have no trouble sharing their unfiltered opinions.
Sometimes even to their in-law's faces.
Redditor Nonfrench_Fries3621 was a bit dismayed by some comments his girlfriend was making about his younger sister, with whom he had an incredibly close bond.
Things came to something of a head, however, when the original poster (OP)'s girlfriend made these comments directly to his sister's face, at a family dinner no less.
Leading the OP to share some choice words with his girlfriend, who had some choice words of her own to share back.
Wondering if he was out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA telling girlfriend that she gave me the 'ick' at a family dinner?"
The OP explained why his girlfriend left him a little steamed after a recent family dinner:
"I'm 32 M[ale] dating my girlfriend Jenny 27 F[emale] for almost a year now, and we've met each other's families."
"Jenny is an only child of an asian family while I'm half/half with one younger sister, Anna 21 F."
"Anna and I are close despite our age gap, our parents both worked demanding jobs and I would babysit/chaperone for many of her bratty teen years."
"In recent months I've noticed that whenever Anna comes up in conversation, Jenny would joke about how Anna is overly spoiled by my parents and I and how we've created a princess."
"Last week at a family dinner with my parents I felt like Jenny was overly grilling Anna on school/dating/life."
"At one point, Anna was telling a story about how a first date gave her 'the ick' by not pull out his wallet after their meal and let her foot the full meal."
"Jenny laughed and said that not every man will treat her to dinner like her brother would and that 'you need to lower your standards'."
"I was not happy with this comment as it sounded like my sister didn't deserve to be treated with basic respect but also didn't want to embarrass Jenny."
"Jennifer then went on talk about how that would've never happen to her as men see her as 'high value'."
"I don't know what about this comment that just pissed me off but I said that she was giving ME 'the ick' and to stop talking to my sister like that."
"The argument we had when we got home was massive, and Jenny told me that I was overreacting to an innocuous comment and would make a terrible father because I would always favor my sister over everyone else."
"I'm shocked at called a 'terrible father' and honestly still don't think I was wrong, but need another opinion."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for telling Jenny she gave him "the ick".
Everyone agreed that Jenny was way out of line by speaking to Anna in the way she did. Many found her behavior so self-centered that they urged the OP to seriously consider whether staying in this relationship was a good idea.
"Any girl that refers to herself as 'high value' in a conversation is an ick."
"Doing it while letting your younger sibling know it's because they aren't 'high value' is just cruel."
"And by the way - no one of real class or substance would ever think that."
"She's about as valuable as the gum on the bottom of a shoe!"
"Look at the people you truly admire in life."
"They don't usually go around telling others they're winner and that other people aren't."
"They're worth admiring for their actions and words."
"She doesn't appear to have done anything that makes her someone of value."
"NTA."- Major_Barnacle_2212
"NTA."
"She's a walking red flag."
"'Jennifer then went on talk about how that would've never happen to her as men see her as 'high value'."
"What is this comment?"
"Ewwwwwww."
"Her behavior with your sister is sooo uncalled for, please run, this is not someone who you should settle down with."- Cultural-End-7074
"NTA."
"If I heard my bf talking about being an alpha high-value man, I would run."
"She disrespected your sister in front of you and double downed."
"Then blamed and lashed out at you for her mistake."
"I know people like this, they are users through and through."
"Yes everyone has preferences, sure."
"It's the insulting your family, doubling down, and when you tried to talk to her about it she blamed it on you."
"Is this the first time you noticed this behavior?"- Interesting_Help_481
"NTA."
"Its like she's trying to compete with your sister."
"I'd have already gotten rid of her."- Chastity-Plants
"NTA."
"Yuck."
"Tell her to get out of here with that Female Dating Strategy garbage."- SoMuchMoreEagle
"NTA."
"Red Flag!"
"This girl has serious issues."
"What she said to your sister was uncalled for."
"This is NOT the girl for you."- Global-Fact7752
"NTA."
"Women who call themselves high value usually are more high maintenance than high value."
"That gives me the ick too."- DRTvL
"NTA."
"Jenny sure is, though."
"She was really being full of herself and talking down to your sister."
"I don't know where she gets that 'out of left field' comment about you being a bad father."
"She barely knows you."
"A year is nothing in the scheme of things."
"However, we do see 'things' in the first year of dating that give us the 'Ick' and turn us off of someone we thought was interesting at first."
"This may be the case with Jenny."
"She just let her mask down."- SubjectBuilder3793
"NTA."
"It sounds like Jennifer is jealous of Anna and refuses to treat her with respect."
"Good for you standing up for her."- OkReward2182
"I wouldn't date anyone who treated my siblings badly."
"One reason I married my husband is because he treated my younger siblings like his own from day one."
"He would move heaven and earth for them (and has multiple times) just as I would."
"They're loved immensely."
"NTA."- NotOneOfUrLilFriends
"NTA."
"32f and I just don't understand this 'high value' woman train of thought."
"I find it so disrespectful to other women."
"Is she so insecure that she has to bully someone younger than her for doing something we all know she does too!"
"I seriously hope we get an update that OP left her a**!"
"The gf sounds like she's going to make a terrible mother."
"If she's shaming OP's sister, I hate to think of what she'd do to her own daughter."- Sad-Expression7697
"She has some kind of problem with your sister, almost seems like jealousy."
"That's not normal and she is the AH."- Klutzy-Performance97
"NTA."
"Your gf is competing with your sister because she's jealous of the bond you have with her."
"This is a huge red flag because she will do what she can to tarnish your sister's image in your eyes, beat your sister down or worse is attempt to disrupt your bond (if not fully cut her from your life)."
"You need to nip this in the bud now or break up (unless you choose your gf over your sister)."-Lollipopwalrus
"NTA."
"A 'high value' woman would NEVER disrespect another woman."
"She craves attention, and the only way she can get it is to bring another person down."
"She gave me the ick too."- YourOnlyGodes
"NTA."
"She is making herself good by lowering other people, including you."
"Do you really need it?"- Trespassingw
"NTA."
"WHOA!"
"RUN FOREST! RUN!"- Intelligent-Wolf-529
"As soon as people start using the whole high value talk you know they're on the incel or femcel blogs."
'Big red flag and NTA."- arm-n-hammerinmycoke
"NTA."
"She called your sister low value."
"She's a nope."- saintandvillian
"NTA."
"Good for you for calling her out on her pink pill bullsh*t."- 10qwertyuiop10
"NTA."
"Your sister needs to lower her standards for dates, she's too 'low value' to expect better behavior?"
"Your GF considers herself 'high value' and wouldn't be treated like that?"
"'Ick' is appropriate, and I don't know how you expressed your concerns about that, but those concerns are certainly not over-reacting."
"If GF can't get her head around how ugly those sentiments are then she should have no need to contemplate what kind of father you'd make."- CatteNappe
From what the OP has said, Jenny seems to need to be the center of attention and isn't happy when that isn't the case.
Hence, she has no trouble calling Anna spoiled yet also has no trouble saying she is "high value" in the dating scene.
It will be in Jenny's best interest to try to get on the good side of the OP's family, specifically Anna.
As should an ultimatum arise that the OP must choose between Jenny or Anna, it seems pretty obvious what his decision will be...
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.