Parenting is one of those subjects that everyone thinks they have an opinion on, whether they plan to have kids someday, have a parenting style in place, or have raised children.
But people who have raised children often don’t accept the fact that studies involving safe parenting and child development have been updated over the years, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
While Redditor Adventurous-Ruin3873 was excited to have a son, he found himself constantly fighting with his mother-in-law, whose parenting practices were outdated, to say the least.
But when she did something that by today’s standards is dangerous for the baby, the Original Poster (OP) decided it would be best if his mother-in-law was not around his baby at all for a while.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my mother-in-law (MIL) that she’s uninvited from our house indefinitely?”
The OP and his wife just had a baby.
“I am 29 and male. My wife, Cynthia, is 27. One month ago, she gave birth to a baby who we named Peter.”
“The problems began before Cynthia even gave birth. I won’t go into detail about all of them, but Cynthia’s mother, Jess, has been a complete nightmare to deal with.”
The OP’s mother-in-law had an outdated parenting style.
“In the birthing room, she actually tried to get Cynthia to kick me out because it’s ‘no place for a man.'”
“Cynthia was in labor and didn’t have any energy to really argue the point, but the nurses actually tried to usher me out once despite the fact that we had written on our forms that Cynthia had wanted me there.”
“After Cynthia and Peter were discharged, Jess picked them up from the hospital.”
“The problem is Jess neglected to buy a car seat for Peter. She apparently told Cynthia, ‘I’ll drive carefully. Just hold him.'”
“I was furious and gave Jess a piece of my mind over the phone, but she just hung up on me and texted, ‘Call me back when you can be reasonable.'”
But some of Jess’s outdated parenting practices were dangerous for the baby.
“Jess crossed the line the other day. I got home to see her and Cynthia in the living room with Peter asleep in his crib. I walked over to Peter and found him sleeping on his stomach. If you know anything about newborns, you know this is EXTREMELY dangerous.”
“I asked why Peter was sleeping like that, and Jess informed me that she rolled him over.”
The OP decided it was time to take action.
“At first, I tried to tell her that it was dangerous, but she gave me this spiel about having raised three babies.”
“I first tried to talk to Cynthia about it, who just shrugged, and then I took matters into my own hands and told Jess that she had to leave. I forcibly removed her from our house.”
“Cynthia was very mad at me for this, and I told her that her mother is not to come over anymore, and not to be alone with Peter under any circumstances.”
“Cynthia is now mad at me for ejecting her mother from Peter’s life.”
“Was I wrong to do this? AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that he was right to establish firmer boundaries.
“NTA. Your MIL is overstepping her role and endangering your baby. As a first-time mother, your wife may be looking for guidance from her mother, but there was a lot less information around in your MIL’s time.”
“If you can, keep out emotions and stick to facts. Ask your wife if that behavior would be acceptable from anyone other than her mother? Would she accept a friend taking the baby out without a car seat? Would she take someone else’s baby out without a car seat?”
“Somehow, it looks like boundaries have been blurred. Ultimately it’s up to the baby’s parents to keep them safe.” – mapofcuriosity
“Definitely NTA! No matter who has an opinion on car seats and laying babies on bellies, here are the facts: car seats have been scientifically proven to save babies’ lives! And MEDICAL DOCTORS (across the known world) all say to never allow babies to sleep on their bellies.”
“Yes, your MIL is a problem, but your wife is a BIGGER problem because she’s allowing your MIL to put your child in harm’s way. NTA!” – Ghost3022
“ESH. Did you or your wife take parenting classes? Have you sat down with your wife to have a conversation in regards to the safety of your child or just yelled and blamed your MIL?”
“You’ve made yourself the bad guy instead of using reason and logic and talking to your adult wife with facts you just yelled and blamed someone.”
“You suck, your MIL sucks, and your wife does a little but gets a tiny bit of leeway cause she just had a baby, but she is an adult whose now key job (like yours) is to look after the tiny baby with zero life skills or experience and she needs to nut up and tell her mum to stop giving outdated advice.” – catcrazy19
“ESH. To be honest, your MIL sounds like she sucks, but open and honest communication with your wife is important, too. It is her mom, as well, and it’s important to involve her (your wife) in discussions rather than deciding to cut her mom out on your own. I think maybe talking about it together when cooler heads prevail would be great.” – Mackinonbananas
“NTA. Ask your wife, what she prioritize, the safety and wellbeing of her newborn or her relationship with her mom. I’m more concerned about how your wife sees nothing wrong in bringing home her newborn baby in a car WITHOUT the car seat or letting the baby sleep on his stomach. You should monitor how she interacts with the baby closely.” – gumball_00
Others felt that the mother-in-law wasn’t the only source of the problem.
“NTA, but you DO realize your wife is part of the problem, right?” – Temporary_Alfalfa686
“I don’t like that your wife ‘shrugged’ when you discovered your baby was lying facedown. Is she okay?” – Aqua_Lotus
“ESH. Your wife was involved in every incident you describe, so I don’t know why you’re fixated on your MIL. Your wife was just sitting there watching your son sleep on his stomach and you threw out your MIL? What is the point?” – East-Bake-7484
“You don’t have an MIL problem. You have a wife problem.”
“You can excuse her behavior of being exhausted in the hospital but she would have let your MIL hold Peter during the drive home and your wife was right there in the room when your MIL put Peter on his stomach. She sat there with him on his stomach until you came home.”
“She doesn’t want her mother banned from being around Peter. She will, most likely, let her mother come over when you are at work.”
“The person you need to deal with is your wife. Go with her to Peter’s pediatrician appointments and tell the pediatrician your concerns over the way your MIL is dealing with Peter. Let them tell your wife what is appropriate.”
“Yes, your MIL raised three kids, but things have changed. Doing it now because you did it 27 years ago means squat. They used to say heroin was good for you and cocaine was an ingredient in Coke. Now we know better so we do better.” – CommunicationGlad299
“Cynthia is your biggest problem and the danger to your newborn baby.”
“She is literally putting her mother before you and your baby.”
“You need to sit her down and have a come-to-Jesus talk with her.”
“As long as she keeps enabling her deranged mother, you will have no peace, and your baby will be in danger from her lack of boundaries and life-threatening behavior.”
“Tell her that you married HER and not her mother. Her mother doesn’t get to make decisions about anything in your home or disrespect you in any manner shape or form. NTA.” – Mother_Search3550
“You have a big WIFE problem. She is the one who made the final decision not to argue when MIL wanted you kicked out of the delivery room. Your wife made the final decision to hold your child while MIL drove. Your wife is the one who allowed MIL to place your child on his stomach.”
“Your MIL is only a small part of the problem when your wife allows your child to be put in unsafe situations. You may have to take your child away from your wife to keep him safe and putting him in daycare maybe.”
“Since your wife is mad about your MIL being made to leave, you know your wife is going to allow her back in while you are away, at least. Put up cameras in the home so you can periodically monitor what’s happening from work. You may have to take some time off to stay at home with your baby for a short time.” – wlfwrtr
“ESH. The only reason I’m saying you are included in that is because you don’t seem to understand that your problem is with your wife.”
“Why did your wife allow her mother to pick her up from the hospital? Why didn’t you pick your wife and baby up from the hospital? Why did your wife get in a car with your newborn without a car seat?”
“Why did your wife allow her mother to put your baby on his stomach? Why did your wife just shrug her shoulders when you informed them all that this is highly dangerous for your baby?”
“And why is your wife arguing with you right now? If you don’t recognize that your wife is the problem and not your overbearing mother-in-law, nothing is going to ever get better.”
“This is going to be your life now. And your child is probably going to pay the price for you having no spine.” – Apprehensive_War9612
While the subReddit could understand why the OP was upset with his mother-in-law, it was clear to them that there were more concerns afoot than a stubborn mother-in-law.
As long as the mother-in-law wanted to use outdated childcare practices, there would potentially be issues for the OP’s son, but if the OP and his wife also could not agree about what to do to make the situation better, it would only continue to be frustrating for everyone, as well as potentially unsafe for the baby.