It's said that identical twins can have a psychic connection; some fraternal twins may have this gift as well.
They often can feel one another's pain.
For many twins, their identities are intertwined in various ways.
Obviously, the first thing they noticeably share is their looks,
This trait isn't always a happy share.
A deleted Redditor wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for telling my identical twin sister to stop calling us 'fat twins?'"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (23 F[emale]) have an identical twin sister who loves the idea that we have a psychic connection."
"We were thin during our childhood."
"I stayed in my home state, and she went to a university in a different state."
"While far away, we both got very overweight, and we're only 20 pounds apart."
"My sister is back in our home state, and she's amazed that we had a similar change."
"She's been calling us 'fat twins.'"
"I eventually told her I wanted her to stop calling us that, and she got upset."
"She said if I don't like how I look, then I must dislike how she looks."
"She said I'm shallow and ignoring our special bond."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Am I the a**hole?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the a**hole.
"NTA: Tell her, as you have a psychic connection, she must understand how you feel and stop." ~ LovingWisdom
"NTA. This would motivate me to lose a bunch of weight and affectionately call her 'fat twin.'" ~ RichCaterpillar991
"NTA. It's not about self-image, it's the fact that she's wandering around telling people you're fat."
"Her including herself in the insult doesn't change the insult." ~ LavishnessGeneral
"Fat' isn't automatically an insult; it's just a descriptor."
"If I went around telling people me my mum and I are both short or dark-haired, that wouldn't be seen as an insult."
"I don't think it was necessarily wrong of her to say it in the first place, but it's definitely 100% wrong to get upset and call OP shallow for asking her to stop."
"Correct response would've been 'Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realise you didn't like that word. My bad. I won't say it again.'" ~ BeatificBanana
"No, I'm talking about this specific situation, too."
"It clearly wasn't intended as an insult and isn't seen as an insult by OP's sister."
"But obviously, once she found out that OP feels insulted by it, she should've apologized and stopped, no question." ~ BeatificBanana
"I think there are certain descriptors, though, that most people wouldn't want to be referred to as, even if they are factual."
"Honestly, probably more so if they are true."
"If her sister had a problem with facial hair, would she want to be known as the hairy twins, or something like the double chin twins?"
"It may be true, but it doesn't always need to be pointed out."
"Maybe if she said it once as a joke, but realised it had fallen flat and stopped."
"She needs to learn not to comment on other people's bodies, even if she does only see her twin as an extension of herself."
"Kids do that kind of thing, but she's at the age where she should know it'll cause problems." ~ Tikithing
"I totally agree with your interpretation."
"OP's twin used it as a descriptive word and clearly doesn't see it as negative, which is evident when she was offended that OP does find it insulting."
"I got called out by a 7-year-old for calling a magpie fat."
"I told him that I would never call a person fat, but also, it's just a descriptive word and not meant as an insult."
"I promise I wasn't judging the magpie for being fat!"
"Agree with you that once a person finds out someone doesn't like the word, it's time to stop using it." ~ RelativePickle8333
"You must be socially aware enough to realize that while it's true that 'fat' is just a descriptor, that being fat is heavily stigmatized socially, so being called fat will invoke those negative connotations, in a way that being dark-haired doesn't carry any negative meaning."
"In fact, being dark-haired (as opposed to greying or balding) is indicative of youthfulness, which is highly valued."
"Being a short woman carries more desirability than being a short man, etc."
"Words have meanings beyond their literal definitions, especially when applied to people who necessarily exist in a cultural and social context."
"Otherwise, I agree with all you said, and to add on, I think the reason the sister got upset when confronted with the request to stop is because she's fully aware of the negative connotations and was trying to reclaim the word for her self-esteem."
"And she's too invested in the notion of twinning that she believes their thoughts and feelings about themselves must also be identical to their feelings about each other."
"It sounds tough; I'm fat, and while I don't love what I see in the mirror some days, the mirror never speaks back to me about its own feelings about how it looks." ~ Madscurr
"NTA. She's probably been dreading meeting you again and being the 'fat twin,' so when she saw that you had gained weight as well, she felt relieved and smug."
"And now she won't stop talking about it."
"She's the shallow one." ~ Konkuriito
"NTA. Not everyone is comfortable being called fat."
"You can tell her it's not about how each of you looks, just about how you feel in your body, physically." ~ B4rkingFr0g
"NTA. You're not defined by your bond, and you're allowed to have your own identity outside of it, particularly when the other is trying to singlehandedly dictate it."
"You decide how you're referred to, full stop."
"I will say, your sister might be struggling with the distance, if she's that invested in your connection."
"Might be worth asking how she's doing with that, and see if that's driving her attachment to this particular thing." ~ MothChasingFlame
"NTA. Not liking being called fat doesn't have to mean whatever she's projecting on it."
"You're young."
"Why would you want a generally negative epithet to stick?"
"In not talking about body shaming over weight gain, I'm talking about an epithet that is culturally loaded and makes it hard to believe a person can control their health, like how much strain is on their knees." ~ LaMarvirino
"She is the one who does not like her appearance."
"She was scared that when she came back, you would still be skinny."
"When you weren't, it eased her fear that it would just be her."
"No one wants to be the 'fat sibling' or the 'ugly sibling,' and when she saw you guys were the same, it eased her mind on what others would think."
"It sucks being around a constant reminder of what you used to be (or what she thinks you should be)."
"She keeps saying it because she is self-soothing."
"Almost like it is too good to be true."
"She is not saying it to hurt you; she is saying it because she is hurting."
"Her retort of 'if you do not like how you look, means you don't like how I look,' literally screams that she is unhappy with her own image."
"She is trying to get permission to be this way.'
"She feels ashamed of putting on weight and does not want to feel accountable for it."
"All that being said."
"You are not the a**hole."
"She should have stopped the first time you asked."
"No one should get called something they don't want to be - and she is being selfish by putting her feelings ahead of yours."
"I would take her aside and be honest about how it makes you feel."
"And tell her that even if you guys don't look identical anymore (if you decide to lose weight), that it doesn't change your bond and you still love her, and that she isn't ugly, you just didn't like how you felt (tired, sluggish, slow, joint pain, etc)."
"Putting a focus on how you feel physically instead of how you look physically would probably be a good mind shift for the two of you anyway."
"You both are going through a very formative time in y'all's lives."
"And you are experiencing a lot of change as you navigate young adulthood."
"Tell her to stop again."
"You are definitely not an a**hole."
"Make firm boundaries and keep them."
"In addition to this, meet your sister where she is at, hold some grace for her, and see where she is coming from."
"This does not mean abandon your established boundaries!"
"Because she sounds lonely and ashamed."
"She may not be in a place to be honest with herself or you."
"And if she responds negatively, that is also not your fault... and you still wouldn't be an a**hole. NTA." ~ 5thSmith
"NTA. Being called anything once you've asked someone to stop is rude as hell." ~ vaspider
"NTA. It would still be weird if you had both lost weight and she started calling you skinny twins, regardless of intention."
"Bringing up body weight over and over is uncomfortable." ~ stingwhale
"NTA, but she can call herself whatever she wants."
"Whether you like it or not is a different question, but you don't get to tell her to stop calling herself the name she chose."
"And you should know that people are going to be calling you that anyway."
"Pretending it's not true doesn't make it not true." ~ thackeroid
Reddit is with you, OP.
In the end, you are your own person.
You're allowed to be unhappy when people describe you in a certain way, even if it's your twin saying such things.
You weren't trying to insult her.
If she feels this way, she's the one who has to deal.
Stay strong.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp