Sometimes birthdays are just too stressful.
There is so much to plan and organize.
Which can cost A LOT.
There are rarely any great "FREE" ideas for celebration.
All of this can cause heavy drama for the people who love to celebrate no matter what.
Redditor bellabelleell wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"WIBTA if I canceled my husband's birthday party?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] didn't want to go to my husband's birthday party and is now expecting us to plan another since she can't afford to host another one herself."
"WIBTA for saying no?"
"His birthday was last month."
"His family is obsessed with celebrating birthdays, even though we are all 30+."
"That's fine, but you can understand how hard it is to get 10+ family and friends together for every single birthday when everyone is working different schedules."
"When his birthday was approaching, I had heard nothing about plans but knew his sister had bought him tons of gifts, so I stepped up and sent out an invite for something my husband wanted to do - a barbecue at the beach."
"Free, relaxing, and a chance to enjoy the beautiful weather."
"His sister responded, disappointed, that she and her family would actually prefer dinner at a restaurant because they want to be indoors/in the air conditioning."
"My first thoughts were that, if you are invited to an event that you can't or don't want to attend for some reason, asking the host to cancel or change those plans entirely is quite rude."
"In an effort to stand our ground, we let them know we were going ahead with the barbecue, but if they wanted to plan a separate birthday dinner, they were welcome to."
"So, SIL chooses this upcoming weekend for a family-feast-style dinner at a nearby restaurant. Neat!"
"We adjust our schedules to accommodate."
"As the day approaches, my husband reaches out to his sister to ask what the plans are."
"Turns out, she has nothing planned - hasn't invited anyone else, hasn't made reservations, and hasn't looked at the menu to calculate the cost breakdown."
"The family meals at the restaurant come to $120 each, feeding 4 people."
"That would feed SIL's family alone."
"With the rest of us added, we would need at least 2 meals to feed everyone."
"When we talked all this over with SIL, she realized that the cost splitting would still be over $30pp."
"That's when she admitted that they just paid their bills and can't afford it.
"No worries."
"Sorry it didn't work out!"
"Nope. She's now asking us to plan something else, something that's less expensive, because she's out of ideas."
"'Can we have the party at your place?'"
"Why, so I get to buy all the food and stress about prepping the apartment to host on short notice?"
"'Wish we could, but our house is a mess while we're reorganizing.'"
"She is currently waiting for us to think of something else."
"Considering: 1) we already hosted a birthday party that she didn't want to go to..."
"2) her poor planning would have ended with us footing a $200+ bill, and..."
"3) The series of inconsiderate requests, my husband and I are ready to cancel."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Knowing this would break her heart, WIBTA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA, but you don't need to 'cancel' anything because nothing is actually planned."
"Just let the idea fizzle out." ~ Nystagmoid
"Seems strange she wants a party for her brother when he already had one."
"Seems more about her than him."
"Tell her 'maybe next year' and don't stress about it."
"She chose not to come to the beach party, not your problem." ~ PAGirl72
"NTA. You're only the a**hole to yourself if you plan a second birthday party according to SIL's preferences."
"You had a party."
"She chose to skip it."
"IF she had planned a second gathering, it would have been gracious of you to attend (though you were certainly under no obligation to do so)."
"But to ask YOU to plan a SECOND party based on her preferences?"
"OP, do you have 'doormat' stamped across your forehead?"
"Tell her, 'Sis, have you lost your mind? Because I'll help you find it!'"
"And let that be the end of it."
"When it's someone's birthday, you do things that THEY enjoy."
"You would think someone from a family 'obsessed' with birthday celebrations would KNOW this." ~ midnightsunofa*itch
"NTA. You already had his birthday party, so there is nothing to cancel."
"Whatever his sister wants to do is on her."
"She's somehow made his birthday about her, and you don't need to feed into that." ~ keesouth
"NTA...You are not cancelling your husband's party, you are just not having another one."
"You already had a party that they decided not to attend.'
"I would not plan another party."
"Must it be a party?"
"Tell SIL that there already was a party; you will not be doing another one."
"But, hey, if your family (just them), wants to come over for some pizza, we could do that."
But, but, we want....
Sorry, you do not get to tell us what to do for our birthdays. If you want something else, that is up to you to plan for it and pay for it." ~ Worth-Season3645
"NTA... you sent out invitations to an event your husband wanted for HIS birthday."
"It's not SIL's birthday."
"It's not the birthday of anyone else on her side of the family."
"His birthday is not about what she and her family want."
"If they can't make it, that is their problem."
"Sorry, they can't be there."
"At the same time, I'd laugh at her attempts to create a 2nd event just so she and her family don't have to stand outside in the heat or be at the beach."
"The entitlement of some people is just unfathomable to me."
"I'd tell SIL there will be no other events."
"The birthday event has come and gone, and you and your husband are moving on with other events."
"Sorry, they couldn't make it, but this is done." ~ TheDarkHelmet1985
"NTA. You already had a party, and she didn't attend."
"My husband's family goes OTT for birthdays too."
"We don't need a big get-together for every event."
"It's tiring. Put your foot down now."
"You are all your own family units now."
"Milestones, sure you can do a big thing, otherwise it's costing too much, and like you're seeing the cost is going to land on you." ~ ostandaloneTA
"NTA. The birthday is about what he wants."
"It would be a little different if there were a medical issue that made her attendance difficult, but that isn't the case."
"She could just host the birthday boy and his household at her place for pizza." ~ PeregrineTopaz06
"Do you want to set the precedent that it's okay to demand multiple personalized birthday parties?"
"You already find it difficult to plan and attend one birthday party per person."
"There is no need to host additional events because someone chooses not to attend."
"If it breaks her heart that you won't buy her an expensive dinner in supposed honor of her brother, perhaps she can use the heartbreak to remember to attend the actual event next time. NTA." ~ concretism
"NTA. There are about 10 of you in total?"
"And you all make a fuss for every birthday?"
"You don't have time to have a second party for him anyway, you're probably already close to the next actual birthday."
"Tell her she can plan his party next year if she wants, but this one is done and now it's on to the next." ~ DogsNSnow
"NTA. It sounds like SIL is caught up in feeling like she has to continue a 'tradition' that worked when everyone was younger, but is just getting too hard to keep up."
"I think it happens in your 30s and 40s, and especially when there are lots of children involved, so many birthdays, gifts, Christmas becomes too stressful, etc."
"Maybe it's time to have a chat about just getting together every so often and marking birthdays with cards if it happens to be that month?
"The point of everyone getting together is to have fun and keep in each other's lives, not stress about marking a birthday." ~ ValuableTravel
"NTA. You invited them to a BBQ."
"They can join you or not."
"They have exactly zero right to make demands for a celebration they are not organizing and exactly zero obligation to attend if they don't want to."
"Their feelings are not your job to manage." ~ South_Industry_1953
"YWNBTA. You're not cancelling your husband's birthday party, you're having his birthday party, and she's not going to it."
"She can choose not to show up for the party if she doesn't want to; that's her choice."
"It's extra wild to not only demand you have a second party just for her but that you pay for it, since I assume you and your husband share finances and, thus, she is basically asking her brother to pay to throw himself a birthday party for her. Ridiculous." ~ CapoExplains
"NTAH. Tell your husband that he was celebrated and he enjoyed himself, and another party really isn't necessary."
"Y'all understand that they're in a tight spot and don't want her to feel obligated or pressured to plan anything."
"The gifts were enough."
"A hug and birthday wishes are sufficient."
"Maybe then she'll just drop the idea altogether." ~ Appa1904
"NTA - tell her you already hosted the birthday party and aren't doing another one."
"End of discussion."
"If she wants to host, she can do it at her house; the 'reorganizing' is an excuse." ~ HiddenTurtles
Reddit is with you. OP.
It's your hubby's birthday.
If he's happy already, then case closed.
His sister can just drop the gifts off.
There is no need for all of this drama.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp