Sometimes birthdays are just too stressful.
There is so much to plan and organize.
Which can cost A LOT.
There are rarely any great “FREE” ideas for celebration.
All of this can cause heavy drama for the people who love to celebrate no matter what.
Redditor bellabelleell wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“WIBTA if I canceled my husband’s birthday party?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] didn’t want to go to my husband’s birthday party and is now expecting us to plan another since she can’t afford to host another one herself.”
“WIBTA for saying no?”
“His birthday was last month.”
“His family is obsessed with celebrating birthdays, even though we are all 30+.”
“That’s fine, but you can understand how hard it is to get 10+ family and friends together for every single birthday when everyone is working different schedules.”
“When his birthday was approaching, I had heard nothing about plans but knew his sister had bought him tons of gifts, so I stepped up and sent out an invite for something my husband wanted to do – a barbecue at the beach.”
“Free, relaxing, and a chance to enjoy the beautiful weather.”
“His sister responded, disappointed, that she and her family would actually prefer dinner at a restaurant because they want to be indoors/in the air conditioning.”
“My first thoughts were that, if you are invited to an event that you can’t or don’t want to attend for some reason, asking the host to cancel or change those plans entirely is quite rude.”
“In an effort to stand our ground, we let them know we were going ahead with the barbecue, but if they wanted to plan a separate birthday dinner, they were welcome to.”
“So, SIL chooses this upcoming weekend for a family-feast-style dinner at a nearby restaurant. Neat!”
“We adjust our schedules to accommodate.”
“As the day approaches, my husband reaches out to his sister to ask what the plans are.”
“Turns out, she has nothing planned – hasn’t invited anyone else, hasn’t made reservations, and hasn’t looked at the menu to calculate the cost breakdown.”
“The family meals at the restaurant come to $120 each, feeding 4 people.”
“That would feed SIL’s family alone.”
“With the rest of us added, we would need at least 2 meals to feed everyone.”
“When we talked all this over with SIL, she realized that the cost splitting would still be over $30pp.”
“That’s when she admitted that they just paid their bills and can’t afford it.
“No worries.”
“Sorry it didn’t work out!”
“Nope. She’s now asking us to plan something else, something that’s less expensive, because she’s out of ideas.”
“‘Can we have the party at your place?'”
“Why, so I get to buy all the food and stress about prepping the apartment to host on short notice?”
“‘Wish we could, but our house is a mess while we’re reorganizing.'”
“She is currently waiting for us to think of something else.”
“Considering: 1) we already hosted a birthday party that she didn’t want to go to…”
“2) her poor planning would have ended with us footing a $200+ bill, and…”
“3) The series of inconsiderate requests, my husband and I are ready to cancel.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“Knowing this would break her heart, WIBTA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA, but you don’t need to ‘cancel’ anything because nothing is actually planned.”
“Just let the idea fizzle out.” ~ Nystagmoid
“Seems strange she wants a party for her brother when he already had one.”
“Seems more about her than him.”
“Tell her ‘maybe next year’ and don’t stress about it.”
“She chose not to come to the beach party, not your problem.” ~ PAGirl72
“NTA. You’re only the a**hole to yourself if you plan a second birthday party according to SIL’s preferences.”
“You had a party.”
“She chose to skip it.”
“IF she had planned a second gathering, it would have been gracious of you to attend (though you were certainly under no obligation to do so).”
“But to ask YOU to plan a SECOND party based on her preferences?”
“OP, do you have ‘doormat’ stamped across your forehead?”
“Tell her, ‘Sis, have you lost your mind? Because I’ll help you find it!'”
“And let that be the end of it.”
“When it’s someone’s birthday, you do things that THEY enjoy.”
“You would think someone from a family ‘obsessed’ with birthday celebrations would KNOW this.” ~ midnightsunofa*itch
“NTA. You already had his birthday party, so there is nothing to cancel.”
“Whatever his sister wants to do is on her.”
“She’s somehow made his birthday about her, and you don’t need to feed into that.” ~ keesouth
“NTA…You are not cancelling your husband’s party, you are just not having another one.”
“You already had a party that they decided not to attend.’
“I would not plan another party.”
“Must it be a party?”
“Tell SIL that there already was a party; you will not be doing another one.”
“But, hey, if your family (just them), wants to come over for some pizza, we could do that.”
But, but, we want….
Sorry, you do not get to tell us what to do for our birthdays. If you want something else, that is up to you to plan for it and pay for it.” ~ Worth-Season3645
“NTA… you sent out invitations to an event your husband wanted for HIS birthday.”
“It’s not SIL’s birthday.”
“It’s not the birthday of anyone else on her side of the family.”
“His birthday is not about what she and her family want.”
“If they can’t make it, that is their problem.”
“Sorry, they can’t be there.”
“At the same time, I’d laugh at her attempts to create a 2nd event just so she and her family don’t have to stand outside in the heat or be at the beach.”
“The entitlement of some people is just unfathomable to me.”
“I’d tell SIL there will be no other events.”
“The birthday event has come and gone, and you and your husband are moving on with other events.”
“Sorry, they couldn’t make it, but this is done.” ~ TheDarkHelmet1985
“NTA. You already had a party, and she didn’t attend.”
“My husband’s family goes OTT for birthdays too.”
“We don’t need a big get-together for every event.”
“It’s tiring. Put your foot down now.”
“You are all your own family units now.”
“Milestones, sure you can do a big thing, otherwise it’s costing too much, and like you’re seeing the cost is going to land on you.” ~ ostandaloneTA
“NTA. The birthday is about what he wants.”
“It would be a little different if there were a medical issue that made her attendance difficult, but that isn’t the case.”
“She could just host the birthday boy and his household at her place for pizza.” ~ PeregrineTopaz06
“Do you want to set the precedent that it’s okay to demand multiple personalized birthday parties?”
“You already find it difficult to plan and attend one birthday party per person.”
“There is no need to host additional events because someone chooses not to attend.”
“If it breaks her heart that you won’t buy her an expensive dinner in supposed honor of her brother, perhaps she can use the heartbreak to remember to attend the actual event next time. NTA.” ~ concretism
“NTA. There are about 10 of you in total?”
“And you all make a fuss for every birthday?”
“You don’t have time to have a second party for him anyway, you’re probably already close to the next actual birthday.”
“Tell her she can plan his party next year if she wants, but this one is done and now it’s on to the next.” ~ DogsNSnow
“NTA. It sounds like SIL is caught up in feeling like she has to continue a ‘tradition’ that worked when everyone was younger, but is just getting too hard to keep up.”
“I think it happens in your 30s and 40s, and especially when there are lots of children involved, so many birthdays, gifts, Christmas becomes too stressful, etc.”
“Maybe it’s time to have a chat about just getting together every so often and marking birthdays with cards if it happens to be that month?
“The point of everyone getting together is to have fun and keep in each other’s lives, not stress about marking a birthday.” ~ ValuableTravel
“NTA. You invited them to a BBQ.”
“They can join you or not.”
“They have exactly zero right to make demands for a celebration they are not organizing and exactly zero obligation to attend if they don’t want to.”
“Their feelings are not your job to manage.” ~ South_Industry_1953
“YWNBTA. You’re not cancelling your husband’s birthday party, you’re having his birthday party, and she’s not going to it.”
“She can choose not to show up for the party if she doesn’t want to; that’s her choice.”
“It’s extra wild to not only demand you have a second party just for her but that you pay for it, since I assume you and your husband share finances and, thus, she is basically asking her brother to pay to throw himself a birthday party for her. Ridiculous.” ~ CapoExplains
“NTAH. Tell your husband that he was celebrated and he enjoyed himself, and another party really isn’t necessary.”
“Y’all understand that they’re in a tight spot and don’t want her to feel obligated or pressured to plan anything.”
“The gifts were enough.”
“A hug and birthday wishes are sufficient.”
“Maybe then she’ll just drop the idea altogether.” ~ Appa1904
“NTA – tell her you already hosted the birthday party and aren’t doing another one.”
“End of discussion.”
“If she wants to host, she can do it at her house; the ‘reorganizing’ is an excuse.” ~ HiddenTurtles
Reddit is with you. OP.
It’s your hubby’s birthday.
If he’s happy already, then case closed.
His sister can just drop the gifts off.
There is no need for all of this drama.
Good Luck.