Being pregnant and preparing for a baby is undoubtedly an exciting time.
But relationships can be challenged, if not ruined, when someone tries to stick their opinions where they don’t belong during this time, pointed out the folks in the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Striking-Major1744 was excited to have her first baby and had already prepared a cute and calming nursery, even though her baby would not be born for months.
But when her mother-in-law kept insisting that the nursery was “boring” and offered to pay for “improvements” herself, the Original Poster (OP) knew there were problems on the horizon.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to let my mother-in-law (MIL) redecorate our nursery, even though she offered to pay for it?”
The OP and her husband were so excited to have a baby, they prepared their nursery way in advance.
“My husband (32 Male) and I (29 Female) are expecting our first child in August. We’re really excited, but admittedly a little overwhelmed with everything that comes with prepping for a baby.”
“One of the big things we were proud of was finishing the nursery last month. It’s simple but feels perfect for us.”
“We went with soft colors, some handmade decorations, and furniture we either thrifted or built ourselves to save money.”
But the OP’s mother-in-law (MIL) did not approve of their design choices.
“The issue started when my MIL came over to see it. She immediately made comments like, ‘Oh, this looks so bare. Where’s the fun? Don’t you want your baby to be surrounded by bright, happy colors?’ and, ‘It’s nice, but this feels unfinished, don’t you think?'”
“I brushed it off at first, but a week later, she brought it up again and offered to ‘fix it up’ as a gift, saying she’d pay for everything and have it done in time for the baby’s arrival.”
“I told her I appreciated the offer, but we weren’t interested in changing anything. She got frustrated and said something like, ‘It’s not about you, it’s about what’s best for the baby,’ and implied our ‘boring’ nursery wouldn’t be “stimulating” enough.”
“I don’t think she meant to sound insulting, but it rubbed me the wrong way.”
The OP’s MIL refused to let her dream project go.
“Now, my husband is caught in the middle. He says he gets where I’m coming from, but since his mom is so excited and offering to pay, we should just let her.”
“He also said, ‘It’s just decorations; it doesn’t have to be a big deal.'”
“I feel like this is a big deal, though; it’s our home, our baby, and we worked hard on this space.”
“I asked a friend, and she said I’m being too territorial and should let MIL be involved since it’s a gift and I can always change things later. But I’ve seen posts on here where MILs steamroll boundaries, and I don’t want to set a precedent. At the same time, I don’t want to seem ungrateful.”
“So, am I wrong for refusing her help when she’s just trying to be generous and involved? Is this a hill worth dying on?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reminded the OP that it was her home and urged her to maintain her boundaries.
“NTA. You’ve already decorated it the way you wanted to, and both you and your husband were happy with it until your MIL spoke up. While the offer was generous, the fact that she is refusing to respect your decision is out of line.”
“Now is the time to set boundaries and let her know that you are this child’s mother. You and your husband will be making the decisions. While she will be an important person in your child’s life, you expect her to respect your choices.”
“I suggest talking to your husband about this and making sure the two of you are aligned. You need to be a team.” – miyuki_m
“Neutral colors are proven to be calming. Why would you want your baby overstimulated in the space you’ll be calming them down and putting them to sleep?”
“Besides, your baby isn’t even really going to see much at first. You can add pops of color as your baby grows if you want.”
“Tell your MIL that YOUR baby will be stimulated in other rooms, and the nursery is for quiet feeding, rocking, reading, relaxing, and sleeping. Soft colors are needed to help you relax and care for your baby. NTA.” – Bitter-Picture5394
“NTA. I would just tell her you appreciate the generosity, but you like it as is, and you don’t want to discuss it again. Maybe even suggest she put the money for the nursery into a college fund for your kid.” – coygobbler
“MIL had her turn to decorate a kid’s room, she doesn’t get to decorate someone else’s room. Unless she’s hired to do a job.” – RebeccaMCullen
“Yikes, OP! The baby is months away from joining you, and your MIL is getting pushy already. Ugh. It’s best for her to get used to the fact that NO is a complete sentence now. Practice saying this with a smile.”
“Hubby needs to grow some cajones. You two need to be aligned on EVERYTHING. Because your MIL is just getting started… and the others chirping in, put them all on mute.”
“Remember, NO is a complete sentence. NTA.” – 60moonchild
Others also urged the OP to make sure that her husband was on her team, not his mother’s.
“This is a husband issue, not just a MIL issue.”
“Just because she wants to pay for it doesn’t mean it needs to be done.”
“If you don’t nip this in the bud now, it never ends.”
“And by nipping this in the bud, I mean your husband trying to keep everyone happy. It’s you and him versus the problem, not him being part of the problem.” – IceQueenTigerMumma
“Hubby needs to start putting your wishes and happiness before his mother’s. Next thing you know she’ll have your child’s face all over social media. Stating how she was in the room and held the baby first.” – mkarr514
“Your husband needs to grow a spine and tell HIS mom no. My son and DIL had more pared-down nurseries for their babies but they are nice.”
“They had no issue with my buying some favorite stuffies for the kids, which added a little color but was easily moved. It’s their baby, their selections, and moms and MILs need to keep it zipped.” – Catfish1960
“You’ve got yourself a pushy, invasive MIL who is jacked up on being a grandma. Set the boundary hard now, and your future self with thank you.”
“Your husband needs to remember who lives with him in that house and who owns it, and it’s not his mommy. He needs to back you. Your husband is only caught in the middle because he wrongly thinks his mom is a part of your marriage and immediate family.”
“Being ‘too territorial’!? It is literally your own home! One cannot be too territorial in their own house. Your friend sucks too, OP.”
“As for whether or not this is a hill worth dying on… It’s not your hill, and you won’t die. Stick with your no.”
“NTA.” – lucillle12121
“If you give in on this, the next thing she’ll want to choose the baby‘s name, then how you feed the baby and dress the baby, and on and on and on, to school and pediatricians and everything else.”
“Stamp this out now. You and your husband decorated for your child in your home, and that’s that.”
“Explain to him that it’s time for him to stop being a son and to start being a father.” – Straight_Coconut_317
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
“I wasn’t expecting this to blow up, but I appreciate everyone’s input. I wanted to give a quick update because things took a turn when my husband came home and filled me in.”
“While I’ve been stewing over everything at home, my husband ended up coming to the same realization on his own during work today. He realized his mom’s offer, while generous, was overstepping. He said it hit him that this is our nursery, and we shouldn’t have to justify our choices to anyone, even family.”
“Without telling me first, he decided to call his mom to set the record straight. He explained that we’re happy with the nursery the way it is, we worked hard on it, and that it wasn’t fair of her to keep pushing us to change it.”
“Apparently, that did not go over well. MIL completely blew up at him, saying I was ‘controlling’ and ‘turning him against her,’ and then she texted me directly to say she’s cutting contact until I ‘stop being so selfish and ungrateful.'”
The OP did not expect things to turn out this way.
“I’m honestly stunned. I never wanted this to escalate like this, and I certainly didn’t ask my husband to confront her; he made the choice himself (I do fully support his choice, though).”
“I do feel a little guilty because I know how excited she was, but at the same time, her reaction feels… extreme?”
“My husband came home tonight, hugged me, and reassured me that I did nothing wrong. He told me he’s proud of the nursery we created together and that he won’t let anyone, including his mom, make me feel bad about it. I’m really grateful to have him in my corner.”
“I guess this is where we are now. I didn’t expect a nursery to cause this much drama, but here we are. I hope things calm down soon, but for now, I’m just focusing on my family.”
Fellow Redditors were grateful for the break the OP’s MIL had accidentally given her.
“I read your update.”
“Going no contact with you is the best gift your MIL could ever give you. Don’t be upset about it. She’s waiting for your guilt to send you crawling back to her. I promise that she’ll break being NC (sadly) the second a grandchild appears.”
“Focus on taking care of yourself and your baby.” – Lady-of-Shivershale
“It’s nice of your MIL to confirm (via your update of her giving you an ultimatum to either let her have her way or her to go no contact) that CONTROL is the only thing she cares about here.”
“I’m glad you found out that out early in your pregnancy, to relieve that unnecessary stress, and before your baby is born.”
“NTA, of course.” – sun_dazzled
“Gold star for him regarding your update. He did exactly what was right. The nursery is fine. Without seeing it, I know that.”
“The new parents made it together and feel accomplished about it. That’s great! You made it together, that’s a great step towards the future you are building.”
“The only cautions people should give you on a nursery is if it’s baby-proofed or not. And even that is not much to do until the baby can start moving around.”
“MIL is the one being unreasonable. And especially so in her reaction to her son telling her to leave it alone.”
“She needs to respect your decision in this. If she doesn’t, she’s definitely going to be the same way when the baby comes. Telling you what to do. Doing whatever she wants and not what you tell her to do when babysitting. Etc. It’s best to silence it now.” – believehype1616
“Having read your post and update, your MIL is 100% being rude on purpose. Would you let her redecorate your bedroom after you’ve spent time and money tailoring it to exactly what you want it to be? The room you sleep in, relax in, spend private moments in, your safe space, your happy place. That’s what the nursery is.”
“It IS about you and your husband, and yes, your baby. But it’s not only about your baby. It’s where you’ll spend countless hours bonding with your baby. It needs to be a place where you, your husband, and your baby all find comfort in.”
“And yeah, kids need stimulation. But their bedroom is where their bed is, meaning it’s where they’ll (most likely eventually, if you plan to have them sleep in your room for the first few months) be sleeping.”
“Yes, they’ll be playing and growing and learning in there, as well. But can you imagine if the walls were colorful with all sorts of imagery all over it? They’ll be so distracted when it comes time to feed them, rock them, and put them to sleep!”
“Who will be spending time in the nursery? Your or your MIL? Your MIL thinks that her opinion trumps your own when it comes to a room YOU will be spending the most time in, besides your baby?”
“She thinks that because it’s her grandchild, that you and her are on the same level, and really, she thinks she’s even more important than you are. That’s insane. Everything you’ve said shows just how narcissistic she is!”
“And I’d be questioning your friend’s advice, as well, and how good of friends they really are.”
“Definitely NTA.” – Said-id-never-join
“I think the OP should see this response from her mother-in-law for what it is: a blessing.”
“I’ve been no contact with my in-laws for a year. They’ve pulled a few stunts over the years, and then talked s**t about me to my husband for a week in November 2022. So I got to go no contact.”
“I had to be at the same party as them recently. I kind of ignored them the whole time. And then came a message asking if we could ‘put all this bulls**t behind us’ as though I was at all involved in, and partially responsible for, their hissy fit the previous year.”
“The best gift they gave me was to get mad rather than concerned when I asked to be left in peace. My husband loves his parents (obviously), so it would have been difficult to turn down a true attempt at reconciliation.”
“Anyway, his mum sent my husband angry messages that slagged me off, and his dad said it was a ‘false narrative’ when my husband pointed out in the group message that there was a direct history of recent trauma.”
“I told them that I was baffled as to why they wanted in their lives someone they clearly dislike and don’t respect. They didn’t answer that and have, so far, respected my second request to be left in peace.”
“The best gift people like these can give us is their words. Because when they want to reconcile and attempt to use DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim Blame, Offender) to do so, they should be made to confront said words.”
“I am not going to spend time with people who so clearly feel such scorn for me. And what would doing so say about my level of self-respect?” – noworriesbee
Though it was surprising for a nursery to cause so much trouble, it confirmed some Redditors’ concerns that the mother-in-law was out to control a situation in which she had no right to be involved.
If creating the nursery of her dreams was more important than being in touch with her son, the mother of her grandchild, and her future grandchild, it was clearly better for the OP and her husband to focus on each other and the life they were building together for their growing family.