Breastfeeding is a hot button topic, it has been for generations.
The struggle over when and where a mother should be able to feed her newborn is always argued over.
But no one anticipates having a disagreement about doing it in your own home.
Case in point...
Redditor throwRAtitsahoy wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for telling my MIL to either deal with looking at my t*ts or get out?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (28 F[emale]) just gave birth to twins."
"They're a month old."
"My husband (32 M[ale]) and I really struggled with fertility, so I've gone a bit all out with our nursery."
"There's a black and white picture of me breastfeeding the twins framed on one of the walls."
"I love it, my husband loves it and my mum loves it."
"My husband had an unavoidable day trip for work last week, so he was gone all day."
"My mother was due to come over to help me out with the twins after her doctor's appointment."
"My M[other] I[n] L[aw] stopped by unexpectedly."
"I let her in because although she can be a bit annoying, she loves her grandchildren and she's happy that we finally managed to have some babies."
"I let her into the nursery to see them sleeping, and that's when she noticed the picture."
"She's never seen it before."
"I found them awake, so I let her join me in the nursery as I breastfed."
"She couldn't shut up about the picture."
"According to her it's gross and inappropriate."
"I know breastfeeding with your t*ts out is a bit weird to the older generations, but this is my nursery."
"If my t*ts were that annoying, she could just get out."
"She kept saying that I should take it down, and then actually took it off the wall herself."
"That's when I snapped."
"I put my son down, and I took the picture from her."
"I said 'you can either deal with looking at my t*ts or get out of the room."
"She got extremely offended and left the house."
"F[ather] I[n] L[aw] called me later and said the language I used was disgusting and that I should apologize."
"I honestly just hung up without responding and decided to wait for hubby to get home."
"I have post partum distress so I really cannot deal with bulls**t at the moment."
"My husband told them to leave me alone, but then he said that I should've picked my words better."
"I told him to tell his mother she wasn't welcome in the nursery ever again."
"MIL is still demanding an apology and FIL said I'm being a 'total cow.'"
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Send him a pic of you breastfeeding with the caption 'moo.'"
"When I was breastfeeding I felt like a literal cow, so that gives me a chuckle."
"NTA. Perhaps your in-laws shouldn't be allowed over when your husband isn't home."
"That way he can stand up for you and pick the words himself, since he is concerned about your phrasing." ~ bright_copperkettles
"Wow, if she's offended by boobs, your MIL would've been horrified when my daughter started singing along to 'Uptown Funk' in the car one day."
"I'm driving, Mom's in the passenger seat, and Ashley's in her car seat in the back."
"Halfway through the song we hear her attempting to sing along and turn it down a little just in time to hear her sing 'uptown f**k you up, uptown f**k you up.'"
"We were practically in tears from laughter."
"Another time, daughter came and found me and stated this gem: 'Mommy, President Trump is fu**ing stupid, isn't he?'"
"Her dad's favorite swear word is the f bomb, if you hadn't noticed."
"And then there's the time she was jumping on mom's bed as a toddler and repeating 'f**king' over and over."
"She got in trouble her picking up that word at the time."
"And of course boob was popped out when she was hungry... until she started biting."
"Then I felt like the cow with breast pump." ~ Waterbaby8182
"NTA and congrats on the twins."
"MIL should know it's a pic of what boobs are made for."
"The super-sexy-funtime aspect of them is simply a bonus for what is, in essence, drink dispensers for newborns."
"If she's offended by your twins on your twins, then MIL can find the door." ~ ivanthemute
"NTA. You had the picture in the nursery, not the living room, for Pete's sake!"
"Would she criticize an intimate portrait of you and your husband hanging in your bedroom?"
"These are private places."
"Not public, where she might be justified to dish out her opinion."
"Even then... it's your house!" ~ micky584
"NTA. You should get a little knitted hat that looks like a naked t*t to put on your babies‘ heads when you breastfeed them though, for when she comes over again." ~ FeuerLohe
"My own mother was telling me recently how hard she was shamed for breastfeeding in the 80s."
"Apparently it was not a popular option at the time."
"So I’m less than shocked when boomers respond with 'ew, boobs' to young breastfeeding mothers."
"They, themselves were bombarded with 'ew, boobs' messaging when they were raising their own kids." ~ DiTrastevere
"I’m sorry, OP, but you might start polishing your narrative writing skills, because I have a sneaking suspicion you’re gonna end up a regular on r/JustNoMIL."
"Win for the rest of us, major loss for you."
"Gleeful condolences. NTA. Obviously." ~ SaltRevolutionary917
"NTA. She can simply remove herself from the room if she is uncomfortable."
"And what language did you use???"
"All you said was t*ts... did she prefer for you to say breasts? (insert annoyed eye roll towards MIL)."
"The audacity too?!"
"To actually remove the picture off the wall, out of line and unnecessary."
"You did the right thing. Congrats on the babies!!!" ~ fvckdxt
"NTA, but your husband should present a united front with you instead of language policing."
"The whole family is way out of line."
"If you really want to crumble her cookie, tell her to go to hell and go no contact." ~ HelpfulAnywhere3731
"NTA. This is your children's nursery, not the living room (which would still be your prerogative)."
"The audacity of MIL actually taking the picture down is beyond unacceptable and rude."
"If the word "t*t's" sets them off? Tough t*tty's!" ~ BengalBBQ
"It's not gross or inappropriate at all, breastfeeding has always been depicted in art."
"There is a carved plaque of a woman breastfeeding in a museum in Iraq that is at least 3500 years old."
"There were murals showing breastfeeding on the walls of Pompeii."
"Catholics have always liked showing the Virgin Mary with her boobs out, art museums in Europe are literally packed with Renaissance paintings of baby Jesus having his lunch."
"Your photo is part of a tradition older than history, your MIL has no idea what she's talking about." ~ MediumSympathy
"NTA. Your home, your rules. If they don't like it, leave."
"Not that hard to understand."
"Your MIL is acting entitled and expects things to go her way just because she says so." ~ 9s2s
"NTA. She comes into your home and is rude af… and wants an apology?"
"That woman needs a reality check."
"I’d let her and FIL know they aren’t welcome until they can remember that it’s your home and you can say whatever the f**k you want in your home." ~ Ok-Mode-2038
"NTA. You get to feed and decorate your nursery any way you see fit."
"She has a lot of nerve a- coming over unannounced..."
"b- expecting to see the children..."
"c- complaining about the picture..."
"d- removing it from the wall. Why do you have to be polite to someone who is questioning and demanding?"
"You don’t owe her an apology, both of his parents owe you one."
"Personally, if she continues to come over unannounced, I would put copies of that picture in every room." ~ unionmom4
"I’m a grandma, and I find your MIL’s attitude appalling."
"You are NTA and you are not a 'total cow.'"
"Your MIL and FIL both owe you massive apologies."
"Your in-laws’ words were obnoxious, judgmental, disrespectful, insulting, and cruel."
"Your husband should come down on his parents HARD, not criticize your choice of words."
"Congratulations on your twins!"
"They are lucky little babies to have a mom who can breastfeed them (not everyone can)."
"I wish you and your babies a peaceful and healthy first year."
"The first year is best if only shared with people who fully support you through the joys and challenges."
"Keep the drama out of your home." ~ justmeat23
"NTA. An honest question, how does one breastfeed not one but two babies not taking them out??"
"I had those nursing bras were you pulled a piece down, but the whole breast was out." ~ Status-Thing-118
Reddit is with you OP.
Your home, your walls, your rules.
Hopefully the in-laws will come around and you all can move past this.
Congrats on the twins.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp