Communication is vital.
Not just for understanding, but for expressing.
Especially if you communicate in a way that is different then the people around you, it is important that you be given the space to express yourself in whatever way you can.
So, what happens when someone tells you that it's not appropriate and that you should just be quiet?
That was the issue facing Redittor and Original Poster (OP) Thin_Crab_664 when she came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for some outside opinions.
She asked:
"AITA for not talking to my [mother-in-law] after she insisted my daughter not sign at the dinner table?"
OP began with the background.
"I (29 Female) have a daughter (6 F) from a previous relationship, her father has no contact with her and my husband of 2 years (30 Male) is the closed to a father she has ever known."
"My daughter was born deaf and communicates via [British Sign Language] BSL."
"I am fluent having learned alongside her and my husband while not fluent is getting there as he wants to be able to communicate with her fully and also help teach any children we have together to communicate with their older sister."
She then got to the incident itself.
"We went to his parents for an Easter Dinner, his siblings and nieces/nephews were all there and we of course brought my daughter."
Everything was fine, until...
"All the kids were very happy to get plenty of chocolate and play together."
"The issue rose however during dinner as my daughter kept putting her fork and knife down to sign with me and my husband to talk."
"It was causing her to eat slower than everyone else and my MIL asked me to tell her to not sign at the dinner table as the food was going to get cold plus it was setting a bad example and distracting for the other kids."
"I won't beat around the bush I got angry, I told my MIL that this is how my daughter communicates and I'm not going to make her not sign."
"I did encourage my daughter to continue eating before her dinner got cold but not to not sign?"
"No...that pisses me off and makes me think of people who have tried to make my daughter play the 'Quiet hands' game....aka not sign."
"I told my MIL the only way she could ask that of my daughter is if she told everyone else not to talk at all."
"We ended up leaving a little early and my husband while supportive of me has tried to tell me that his Mother didn't mean any real harm and she doesn't get why this would be a sensitive topic."
"I've refused to speak to my MIL since that dinner and won't until she apologizes."
"My husband thinks I'm being a bit too harsh and I need to be the one to reach out with an olive branch on this matter but I can't help but feel if this had been her biological grandchild who was deaf she wouldn't have said something so insensitive or implied it was a distraction and bad example."
OP was left to wonder,
"I don't know, maybe I'm too defensive as it's my child and I'm protective, what do you all think?"
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some pointed out that husband needed to step up.
"And if he feels like MIL needs an olive branch, then HUSBAND can reach out and explain to her why she was wrong and why SHE needs to apologize to your daughter - in sign language" ~ EMWerkin
Also,
"This."
"So much this."
"MIL needs it put in perspective. Would she say other children couldn't talk at the table?"
"If not, then how can she do the same thing to this young girl whose only means of communication is signing?"
"It's a double standard and unloving to tell one kid to shut up but let the others still communicate."
"Sure it's distracting to a hearing person, but it's HOW SHE TALKS."
"Dad needs to take the initiative here, back up his wife, defend his daughter and set his mom straight."
"He should be the one to open the door and fight this battle. It's HIS mom."
"I'm so tired of spouses letting their parents get away with being total jackhats and not being willing to defend their spouses and families. Grow some balls dad and stand up for your kid" ~ Lendyman
Others were shocked at MIL's request.
"NTA."
"It's not her fault that she is deaf."
"She shouldn't not be allowed to sign unless no one else is talking."
"Also the quiet hands game is really bad and people who try and 'Play' the quiet hands game is absolutely **DISGRACEFUL.**"
"Edit: Common question: What is that game."
"Basically it's a 'game' where people don't use their hands like signing stuff. So people who use their hands to communicate can't do anything."
"It's a really bad thing to treat kids like this."
"Edit Number 2: I'm glad that this is getting the awareness it needs." ~ cookie64248
Or,
"I had never heard of the Quiet Hands thing (I can't bring myself to call it a game) prior to this sub."
"Some very quick research has taught me about an abusive and damaging form of behavioural control for many people with non verbal communication. So thank you for the awareness."
"On your question, ofc NTA."
"Singling out & silencing one person at the dinner table is ignorantly rude at best, ableist bs at worst."
"Surely after being married to her son for 3 years she understands that BSL is how your daughter communicates and the other kids at the table should also be aware." ~ aliceisntredanymore
Some had very detailed responses.
" 'Why would anyone try to stop a kid from signing?' "
"In a broader sense it's due to a long-held belief that learning sign language is detrimental to learning English."
"90% of D/deaf babies are born to hearing parents, who are very often encountering a deaf person for the first time in their lives and they're terrified."
"Doctors advise cochlear implants and speech therapy ASAP so the child can access sound, but give little to no information about sign language provision."
"So parents go all-in and hope that the implant will cure their child, but for those whose implant doesn't live up to expectations or fails completely, they are left with no language and no way of communicating with anyone."
"This not only does a number on their educational attainment but also their mental health, and as a trainee BSL interpreter who works with Deaf students in education, I am more often than not having to deal with their chronic lack of confidence, self-esteem and high levels of anxiety."
"Almost all of the students I work with cannot properly communicate with their parents at home and prefer to be in school, around people they can have a proper conversation with."
"OP is a very rare breed in that she bothered to learn BSL to fluency, and I've sadly yet to encounter parents like her in my 10 years working with Deaf young people."
"I could go on forever about this topic, but instead I will recommend anyone who reads this comment to Google the 1880 Milan Conference to learn about the history of sign language."
"Forced oralism and the hell that generations of Deaf sign language users suffered at the hands of so-called language professionals."
"The effects are very much still felt to this day." ~ ImStealingTheTowels
Commenters had concerns about MIL.
"NTA"
"There is really no amount of reflection or analysis needed to understand why this request was harmful and discriminatory."
"A child could probably easily understand that not allowing a deaf person to sign means you are not allowing them to talk."
"There's no way that your MIL 'didn't mean any harm.' It's clear she doesn't care about the effect on your daughter."
"And whether she is able to engage like everyone else, only that MIL has control over the dinner table."
"Good for you, you sound like a great mom."
"Is this a common theme with your MIL, though? Not necessarily that specific request, but just not bothering to accommodate or engage your daughter?" ~ morningmint
There were also personal stories.
"My extremely premature 2 year old has about 20 signs and 10 spoken words."
"Husband and I have talked about learning ASL regardless because a second language is always a good thing."
"If someone, anyone, came into our extended family who was deaf we would light a fire under ourselves to learn faster, my kid would be sitting signing to them at the table eventually."
"And if someone like this MIL had said something like this I'd have no problem telling her off even if it's not my kid, and especially if it was my parent" ~ blue_pirate_flamingo
Self-expression is a key component of a healthy life.
Whether your way of communicating is sign language, or a foreign tongue or a pad of paper it is fundamental that space be made for that expression.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp