Content Warning: Affair, Paternity Test, Miscarriage
When a baby is born, everyone’s always excited to see the adorable new addition to the family.
But some people are especially fixated on who the baby looks the most like from the family, as well, pointed out the users of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
After several years of trying, Redditor Strict-Mine-1326 carried a daughter to term and was so grateful to grow her family.
But the Original Poster (OP) was shocked when her husband and mother-in-law accused her of cheating because her daughter looked like her and not like her husband.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for going no contact with my mother-in-law (MIL) after she convinced my husband to ask for a paternity test because our baby looks too much like me?”
The OP was overjoyed when her daughter was born.
“Four months ago, my husband Mark (32 Male) and I (31 female) welcomed our first child, our daughter Sophia. Mark and I have been together for 10 years and married for six.”
“Getting pregnant wasn’t exactly a walk in the park. We were trying for two years before it finally happened, and I miscarried four times during those years.”
“My parents died when I was 15 and I lived with my grandparents until I was 18 and started at college. My MIL has been like a mother to me and had been an amazing support ever since me and Mark got together.”
“She made dinners and called daily to check up on me after the miscarriages!”
“When Sophia was born, the first thing ma MIL did when she came to visit was to check up on how I was doing after the birth before focusing on Sophia. I remember thinking I had the best MIL anyone could ask for.”
The whole family was excited about the baby.
“My mother-in-law was the first person we told about our pregnancy (at week 18), and she was over the moon about becoming a grandma.”
“The first four weeks after we got home from the hospital, she moved in with us to help out with Sophia. She was so helpful and always made sure she didn’t overstep in any way.”
“My MIL always talked about how Sophia was a mini version of me and told everyone about how my daughter was a true copy of me.”
“Mark was in love with our little girl and did everything he could to help out. He came home early every day to spend as much time as he could with Sophia and me.”
“Everything seemed perfect, this was what we had wanted for so long.”
“All he could talk about was how perfect our little girl was and how much she looked like me. He even found some old pictures of me and made a photo collage of me and her as babies to put on the wall.”
But everything started to change after the OP’s mother-in-law moved back home.
“After my MIL moved home, I think I saw her a couple of times, and would only speak to her if I called her. But to be honest, I didn’t think much of it as I was busy with being a mother.”
“After the first two months, Mark started getting more distant and coming home late. He started to spend a lot of time at his mother’s house as he said she needed help with some renovations in her house.”
“I appreciated all the help MIL had given us, so I decided to not complain about it, even though I was exhausted from never getting an hour to myself anymore.”
The OP never saw what her husband and mother-in-law’s accusation coming.
“Right after Sophia turned three months, Mark came home and said we needed to talk. He sat me down and told me he wanted a paternity test, because his mother thinks our child looked too much like me and nothing like him.”
“My jaw was on the floor and I felt something inside me break.”
“He doubled down with saying he agreed with Sophia looking like me and nothing like him and that MIL had told him I probably cheated with someone who has some of the same features as me. MIL claims that their family genes are super strong and Sophia should have some of Mark’s features if she was his.”
“After he was done talking, I couldn’t get a word out. I just started crying.”
“It feels like the biggest betrayal that they both accuse me of cheating, and the reason being my daughter looks too much like me?”
“He told me he was sorry but his mother got into his head and he couldn’t let it go, and it was constantly on his mind.”
The OP agreed to the paternity test but with certain conditions.
“I just felt defeated by the whole situation and agreed to the paternity test.”
“Although I told him that when the test came back telling Sophia is his daughter, I wanted nothing to do with MIL. And we would have to start couple counseling if there was any hope at all for this relationship to be saved.”
“I failed to mention that his last long-term relationship ended because his ex cheated on him. His mother also divorced his father due to infidelity.”
“That doesn’t make it okay, but that’s the reason I didn’t hand him divorce papers the second he asked for a paternity test. I know he has a lot of trust issues, and so does his mother… he has been in therapy before because of his issues.”
The OP was relieved when Mark started to act like himself again after the paternity test came back.
“Fast forward to now, the test came back a week ago, and surprise surprise, she is his daughter.”
“He had this look of relief, before the guilt and panic hit him and he started to apologize to me over and over again.”
“I told him he needed to tell his mother and then tell her we needed a break from her.”
“Surprisingly, he was all for it and I could hear him yelling at her for making him doubt me and telling her we didn’t want any contact for a while.”
The OP started to see her mother-in-law’s true colors for herself.
“Mark blocked her number after hanging up so she started to call and text me. It switched from that she was sorry, and I was horrible for not seeing it from her point of view and taking away her family.”
“I blocked her too, but some of his extended family has messaged both Mark and me calling us cold-hearted a**holes for cutting MIL out the way we have.”
“I have started to doubt my decision, thinking I was too harsh after being hurt. Maybe I made a mistake by distancing ourselves from MIL, after all she was just looking out for her only son.”
“Also, he has contacted his psychiatrist and gonna start up therapy again, and we are also going to our first couple’s counseling later this week.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
A few theorized that the mother-in-law was busy projecting about her own affairs.
“You know, people often think everybody is like themselves, and I would be looking at MIL right now. OP should demand husband check his own DNA against members of his father’s side of the family to find out if MIL has been truthful about who she claims is his dad.” – Seed_Planter72
“Oh please. Oh please. Please, OP, demand a paternity test from your husband and your MIL as part of your counseling. And then update us. It’s just too perfect.”
“‘How do we spell that word again? Projecting, MIL? Is that it?'” – JustSomeBadAdvice
“It’s likely that this MIL is hiding things. She has already shown how devious she is. I’m furious just reading about these two. I don’t think I have ever been so enraged reading a post on Reddit.” – SerenaChrichton
“Husband and FIL could get a paternity test for accountability, in case MIL is projecting. The fact that she hasn’t genuinely apologized, not once, is what seals it for me.” – dumblederp6
“I would add to this in that in my experience people tend to judge others by their own standards. I would bet money that the husband has not been faithful for the entire marriage or is even cheating now.” – Twacey84
Most of the subReddit was critical of how the OP’s husband treated her and their daughter.
“THIS IS STILL SO DUMB TO ME. I cannot believe that of all the reasons he doubted her was BECAUSE OF HOW THE LITERAL INFANT LOOKED. The more I think about, the more frustrating it is.”
“Please explain to me how you can look at an infant, a squishy ball of flesh not yet fully formed, and go, ‘Bahhhhh, it doesn’t look like me so it’s not mine.'” – maria83j
“They didn’t suggest she cheated. They were POSITIVE she had cheated with someone with the same features as OP. How isn’t that grounds for going no contact?!” – 20MLSE20
“NTA, but you really need to hold your husband accountable, not just your MIL. She might have brought it up, but he ran with it.”
“After years of trying for a baby, he accused you of getting pregnant from an affair, passing off the baby as his, and planning to lie to him for the rest of your life.”
“Personally, I wouldn’t be able to stay married to someone who suddenly thought so little of me just because of something his mommy said. If you can get past it, you’re probably a better person than I am.” – Spiritual_Aioli_5021
“It’s not just about his treatment of OP, either. He let his baby suffer for at least two months (half of her tiny life)! Not only is he a s**t husband. He’s also a s**tty dad too.”
“He wasn’t providing adequate any support nor helping OP, which also means he wasn’t providing support nor helping his daughter. I’m also going to assume that since he suspected their daughter wasn’t his, that he wasn’t exactly bonding with her nor showing her love.”
“Can’t be falling in love with another man’s kid, now can we?!”
“Their precious baby is only four months old, and he’s already shown her that his love is conditional. And for what?! Because his mom doesn’t understand how basic genetics work? Because his mommy told him their genes are super duper strong… and he believed her?!” – CatmoCatmo
Others agreed and questioned if the relationship could last.
“You are blaming the wrong person here. This is 100% your husband’s fault. He basically accused you of cheating and you had to do the paternity test to PROVE YOU DIDN’T CHEAT!!” – Live_Western_1389
“She’s shifting blame to MIL because it’s more convenient to blame her than to blame her husband. If she blames her husband she has to take drastic action, and she’s probably scared and tired so she’s putting up a cognitive wall around the issue by putting all the blame on MIL.”
“But their relationship will never be the same, no matter how much counseling they get. I hope they both can acknowledge the hurt and betrayal and move on and repair it, but it will never be the same again.” – LenoreEvermore
“This is the ultimate betrayal. The person OP loves and trusted most. Who let Mommy crawl into his head with nasty little lies? How in the seven rings of H**L is she going to ever trust him again?”
“So, what does this piece of s**t spouse swear he will do to unbreakable her heart and HER trust? Throwing Mommy under the bus won’t cut it! That’s not even window-dressing. Trite and of no value.”
“OP, please… at the VERY least, step back. Limit your contact with this man, and give yourself time to heal. Get a separation agreement on file. You should both seek therapy separately and possibly together.”
“I hope only for the best for you and your little girl.” – Critical-Wear5802
“OP wants couples counseling after this, which is GOOD, but I have absolutely no idea how women can move past something like this. Not only did her husband accuse her of cheating, but also of trying to baby-trap him with an affair partner’s baby, which are two HUGE betrayals.”
“That’d be the definite end for me. There’s no amount of counseling in the world that could make me look at my partner the same way after that.”
“And all because of what? Oh, right. The baby looked too much like her mother… Are you f**king serious? The stupidity of that alone would make me look at them differently.” – Bice_thePrecious
People are quick to look at babies, inspecting them to see who they remind them of from their families. But assuming that a parent cheated because their very young baby with immature features does not match the other parent is such a problematic take.
Many cited how they would not be able to continue a relationship that took such a left turn, but perhaps with enough therapy and a lack of contact with a possibly projecting mother-in-law, they’d be able to make it through.