It's a little baffling how often extended families seem to argue about names for babies when the parents are in complete agreement.
A new mom turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after her mother-in-law protested the name for their first child.
PinkCougar05 asked:
"AITA for not letting my in-laws call my son by a different name than what my husband and I gave him?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Some back story that is relevant here, my son was born on the same day as my husband's favorite uncle. We wanted to name our son KJ, so we decided to pick names that go with those initials."
"We found a 'K' name that we loved, but couldn't think of a 'J' name that would work for his middle name. Luckily my husband's favorite uncle gave us the idea for my son's middle name."
"When we named my son, my MIL did not seem to care for it and kept calling him different pet names like sweetheart, buddy, baby etc. she then started calling him by his middle name because it was such a great idea by the uncle (MIL's brother), we asked her to call him 'KJ' instead and she did after that, but we could tell she wasn't happy with it."
"Well 6 months later the favorite uncle suddenly and tragically died, everyone was devastated."
"Soon after this time my MIL decided without asking us, she was going to call our son by his middle name to honor my husbands uncle, and told everyone in the family to call him by his middle name too since he was the one who gave us the idea, and since he was born on his birthday."
"We asked her not to and she ignored us and told us that it's important to honor this uncle."
"We finally sat down with her and explained to her how disrespectful it was to us to ignore us and rename our kid while telling everyone else to call him that too, and that it needed to stop immediately."
"She argued with us and was so mad at us, and told us that we were being selfish and disrespectful to the memory of the uncle by not letting her call him that. She said she will stop calling him by his middle name but that she will not like it."
"I honestly don't feel like I can trust her to keep her promise, and I do feel like she will call him by his middle name when our backs are turned. I do feel like she is using this as an excuse to not use the name we chose for him and is trying to manipulate us into having her way."
"What do you think?"
The OP later added:
"We are fine with MIL and family calling our son by his actual first name too, not just KJ. We wanted to name him only KJ initially, but we decided to give him names that go with those initials so if he wanted to go by that when he was older he could."
"We are good with either name and as he gets older he can decide. My MIL dislikes both KJ and his first name, and especially dislikes his first name so that's why we told her just to call him KJ then, but she doesn't want to do that either."
"She insists that the way to honor the uncle is by having everyone call him by his middle name because that will memorialize him. She already hated his name though and wanted to change his name before he died, so it feels like an excuse to guilt us into changing his name."
"We didn't take issue with my MIL calling him pet names that are common like sweetheart, baby, buddy, etc... It was when she started constantly calling him by his middle name and only that, knowing it bothered us and then telling everyone else to call him that too that rubbed us the wrong way."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I want to know if others think I am an A-hole for not letting my in-laws call my son by his middle name when they claim they are just honoring the dead uncle. We asked them not to and they are mad at us for not letting them and they think we are A-holes."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA, it is ridiculous to try and get parents to change their child's name, even if the reasons seem compelling."
"I would simply ignore this altogether, though l might send a gentle group text reminding everyone that your child is named ( name) and that is what you will continue to call him, though you understand other peoples emotions around it." ~ Spare_Necessary_810
"NTA, his name is what you decided it is not what she wants. Uncle called him KJ so why can't she honor uncle by calling him KJ too. I'm petty so I'd probably start calling MIL a different name like Susan and when she gets upset explain why it's important to call someone by the correct name." ~ 123randomname456
"Different name...of the opposite sex."
"If her name is Susan and she calls the kid by his middle name, just say 'Now, Stephen, we've told you to either call him by his first name or call him KJ'."
"Next time she does it, use Samuel."
"Then Scott...maybe Samir (I think that's a man's name)...whatever you think up at the moment."
"If/when she complains, tell her if she can't get the kid's name right, you see no reason to get hers right."
"My sympathies to your husband on the loss of his uncle..." ~ FurBabyAuntie
"You named your son. You choose the name. Unless he has said he's going by the middle name, no one gets to rename him for you or for him. And quite frankly it's shocking anyone has the stance that the mother-in-law can just bully in another name."
"We cannot seriously be against an actual mother who named her child and is asking to have her names respected." ~ DeadpanSal
"I'm petty. Every time she would call me or send me a text or talk to me in person referring to the kid as anything other than his name I would just pretend like I didn't hear her. I would be dead quiet on the phone. I would ignore texts. I would stare at her with a blank expression in person just to piss her off until she corrects herself."
"Or better yet start calling her a completely different name. If her names Nancy I'd start calling her Barbara. Bonus points if you pick the name of someone she can't stand. See how she likes it."
But I'm that guy. I embrace conflict. It's fun for me to make others that are in the wrong feel uncomfortable. They only do crap like this because most people don't push back." ~ Expensive_Candle5644
"Or do the whole 'MIL, his name is KJ, remember? Honestly I'm getting really concerned at these memory lapses. Maybe we need to schedule a doctors appointment' thing every single time until she sorts herself out." ~ Aethermist88
"Worked for a friend of mine when he transitioned and his grandmother wouldn't call him by anything but his deadname. He took her aside one day and said 'look. Everyone sees me as a man. You're the only person that's calling me by a female name. That doesn't make me look bad. It makes you look senile. You're welcome to continue but you need to know people are starting to question if maybe these are signs of dementia.' She stopped immediately." ~ AzsaRaccoon
"You shared, 'I do feel like she will call him by his middle name when our backs are turned'."
"So don't turn your back. MIL is not allowed to be alone with your child. Child stays with you at all visits, MIL is not allowed to babysit."
"Until she lets it drop, you keep the leash short. Set your boundary and make it FIRM or she will continue to walk all over it." ~ nightcana
"Everyone knows she will do what she wants because she already actively went around (without your permission and against your wishes) telling everyone to use the name SHE wants."
"Call her out in front of everyone and let everyone know how disrespected you feel, and how you now can't trust her. Put them on notice about how you and your husband feel about her boorish behavior, and that they need to use your child's actual name."
"YOU are the child's parents, and not her. If anyone persists in this (including her), you will go no contact. Stand firm in this." ~ TepHoBubba
"Exactly. And if she calls him by the wrong name, 3 months no contact. Do it again? 6 months. Again? 1 year."
"Don't hesitate to lay down the ban hammer. I would." ~ DigitalMunkey
"NTA. You get to name your kid and it's literally your job to make sure he's respected. If grandma needs uncle to be honored she can change her own name. She doesn't get to name other people's babies." ~ ramblingamblinamblin
OP and her mother-in-law can argue about this all they want. But at some point, the child is going to get the final say.
Maybe this isn't a hill worth dying on.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp