People may differ in their parenting styles, but everyone should be able to agree that, regardless of the parenting style, a child's safety should come first.
But there are still some parents out there who will take offense to their children being reprimanded, even if something was said to keep them safe, side-eyed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor BadParent12 noticed that their niece repeatedly demonstrated destructive and unsafe behavior around their home, so they took precautions before she visited again, including making some breakable items inaccessible and locking a few doors.
When their sister caught on to what they had done, she accused the Original Poster (OP) of having too high of standards for a five-year-old girl.
They asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by locking parts of my house up when I know my niece is coming to visit?"
The OP took safety precautions in their home for when their five-year-old niece visited.
"We recently had a baby and moved to a much bigger house."
"On two separate occasions, we had family over, and my niece showed what I consider to be bad behavior."
"Having had that experience, when we invited the family over again for my son's first birthday and took some precautions, I mounted the TV on the wall and locked some doors."
"The usable space (living room, kitchen, dining room, a big garden, and the toilet) was plenty enough and had lots of toys available (old and new)."
The OP's niece immediately attempted to go where she didn't belong and discovered the locked doors.
"It was evident that minutes after arriving at our place, my niece noticed the locked doors."
"Funnily enough, those doors are not in the way in any way; you need to go away from the party to check that."
The OP's sister called them out for "keeping their niece out."
"Two days later, my sister sent me these messages."
"Hello [me], I am writing to you because the truth is that I felt extremely uncomfortable in Sunday's meeting. It is evident the annoyance you feel with the presence of my family."
"I think I don't need to list the gestures that denote that; we are both intelligent."
"I do not question that you may not like us. What I do not understand is the point of inviting us at all. It was really unnecessary under those conditions."
"From my point of view, when people are invited to a house, it is done from the genuine interest of sharing a beautiful moment."
"That is why I invited you to [my niece]'s birthday party (an invitation to which you never replied, and she never got a birthday message from you)."
"I would have preferred not to have this talk, but I feel that what happened on Sunday has already crossed the limit."
The OP was honest with their sister about why they took precautions.
"Hi [sister], yes, we noticed. As a result of what happened in the previous visits:"
"[my niece] went through all the drawers in the house, kicked the yoga ball against the TV repeatedly (we were very urgent to hang the TV because [niece's dad] told her not to do it on your first visit, but she still did it again), hit the mosquito screens on our windows, opened and closed doors and windows, plucked flowers (which was the least of our worries, but still not okay)."
"Having a small baby ourselves, we couldn't follow her everywhere, and [my gf's mom] tried to keep her away from the mosquito screens, but it still got to the point where she climbed on the bed (having gone to one of the bedrooms without any supervision or permission), took a toy from among the books, and broke a toy's box (I point out what she did because at the time you argued it was not high enough or far enough out of her reach)."
"It was because of all this that we made the decision that next time we would lock all the doors so we wouldn't have to be following her."
"Unfortunately, we did not agree on the time of the party, and many arrived at 11:30 (too early on a Sunday), not leaving us time to do it, and we realized very late that one of the locks did not work, and we had to lock the hallway instead."
"All while we had to check the barbecue, put things in the fridge, set the table, and give [my son] lunch. This kept us busy all around the house; it was chaos."
"I agree with you, it would have been nice to share a nice moment with family, capture it in photos, and be more relaxed, because that is what we were aiming for when inviting you, and having the rooms locked so as not to be forced to be as vigilant as in past visits."
"Each house has its own rules, and we try following them wherever we are invited to, because we love getting to see and share time with you."
"You may not understand my point of view, but this is my way of explaining how we tried to prepare ourselves so that the logistics of this meeting would be less stressful."
"I see you are making a connection between that and us forgetting to greet [niece] and respond to the invitation, and interpreting, along with this failed meeting, that there is a kind of contempt or bad intention when it was only forgetfulness or lack of preparation."
"We are just people going through a very difficult parenting moment, without sleep and with very little help that I imagine you will understand because you have gone through it. We may not be handling it in the best way, but we are trying our best; it is very difficult."
"About [my niece]'s birthday, I was sure I had answered; I had to look again, and you are right. I never answered, and it was wrong not to greet her on her day."
"At the time, we discussed it with [my gf], and it seemed unfeasible with [my son] of about seven months who hardly crawled, hated long drives, and found noisy environments very unsettling for him. Luckily, he is less sensitive to those things now. I am glad that despite this having occurred months ago, you take this opportunity to say it."
The OP's sister did not agree with their point of view or their precautions.
"My sister wrote back:"
"It is very sad to read this. I can't believe that in the face of the actions of a five-year-old girl, the solution you find is to lock the doors and not talk like adults."
"I understand that you don't interact with children practically; that's why you assume their behavior should accommodate your rules. That doesn't exist in the real world."
"I clarify that [my niece] did not break the box intentionally; she grabbed a toy that was totally within her reach among a thousand toys. Even more childish was the following reaction by an adult who yelled at her openly and then did not greet her, given that my daughter is the child."
"In all the spaces where [my niece] goes to (school, friends' houses, birthdays, kindergartens, other relatives' houses, hotels, summer camp, etc.), we never receive a treatment like yours. Quite the opposite. Luckily, it is very easy for her to make herself beloved."
"I'm perplexed by your idea of how a five -year-old girl should behave."
"I insist, reading all this, I do not understand the purpose of inviting me to a house where my daughter is not well received. Your logistics with the barbecue and the schedules are not something that concerns me; you hosted."
"Regarding the birthday, it did happen a long time ago, as you say, at the time, I understood that you are just people with a baby, so I didn't say anything (but I have to say that I have friends with babies who sent her beautiful messages)."
"But seeing the treatment my daughter receives from you, it makes me reconsider the non-response to an invitation to her birthday."
The OP was frustrated by their sister's response.
"As a side note: my niece was not yelled at; it was directed at other adults, all trying to fix and advising on how to fix said box (not that it really matters, but it was a collectable from Japan) at the same time, asking to please stop and leave the room so we could tidy up and close the door. They were already packing up because it was late."
"I wrote back:"
"Yes, I'm sure there are better people than us. I am sorry our precautions made you feel uncomfortable."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some pointed out that the niece only noticed the locked doors because she was misbehaving.
"Nobody seems to address the fact that obviously she was trying to get into those rooms, or she would’ve not realized they were locked. And not needing to get into any of those rooms should show you why you have to lock the door." - cb630
"NOR. If I were your sister, I'd be glad you locked the doors. That should, in theory, make her job easier since she won't have to worry about her child getting into places she shouldn't. It's not an insult; it's childproofing." - GreenBeach23
"I don't think so at all. They wouldn't even know the doors were locked if they weren't trying to go in there. Also, there's plenty of common space for everyone to interact, so really, it's even helping keep the young girl more within her parents' eyesight."
"It's an effective, silent way to correct behavior, with less effort and energy from you- and it's your home. You can lock whatever you like."
"I think your sister felt attacked about her daughter's behavior and maybe even her parenting ability, and she's deflecting and making it seem like it's something that you've done wrong."
"Addressing it by explaining why you've done it really shines a truthful light on every issue to allow for transparency and accountability, but if she's not wanting to take accountability, then it's going to turn into an argument more than likely."
"I would have locked the doors as well. NOR." - loreleiorange
"NOR. For a guest to think they are entitled to access to every room in your home is rude, even if they are family."
"My sister-in-law stopped inviting certain family to her home when she hosts because she has repeatedly asked them to keep their young children from going upstairs and they just ignore her (all that’s up there are the bedrooms, which guests shouldn’t have access to anyways)."
"My daughter is the same age as their children, yet she’s known since she was old enough to understand the word 'no' that she’s not allowed upstairs at her aunt’s house."
"I’m sorry, but your sister’s texts read like she’s one of those parents who think the sun rises and sets on their kid and they’re just such a special angel, and how could you be so cruel as to tell her little princess no!? I get the vibe she’s raising a spoiled brat, and I feel bad for your niece because of it." - MissMerrimack
"The fact she noticed shows you did the correct thing. What kind of person just goes into random rooms at other people's homes?"
"I've had next door's keys for over 40 years and looked after the house when they were away; my Grandparents did it before me, and there are still three rooms I've never been in. I've seen into them, as the doors have been open, but I've never had a reason to go in. It would be four rooms, but a year or two ago I helped move something into the fourth room."
"Thinking about it, my dad has been in the same house for well over 50 years, and having never lived there are two rooms that I've only been into in the past year when helping him move something."
"I've stopped at my Dad's, and there are closets in the room I'm stopping in; as I'm not going to be using them, I've never opened the doors. I drive him and next door both nuts, that I knock on the door and wait to be let in." - Not-a-Cranky-Panda
Others agreed and pointed out that these were safety measures just as much as disciplinary ones.
"The sister thinks she has a perfect child that does no wrong. The child is not supervised." - i-luv-sloths
"It's clear your sister is not taking responsibility for her poor parenting. At five years old, I clearly understood what I could and couldn't touch. I absolutely never went and touched anything in homes we visited. If your niece doesn't understand, then it's her parent's job to make sure she does. NOR." - creatively_inclined
"I would write, 'Sister, it is because she is five that I addressed her responsible adults to correct her behavior, i.e., you and BIL. You minimized it because she is five, even describing it as normal, instead of taking the responsibility to correct her. That is your decision, and I cannot change it. Protecting my things from your decision to not correct your daughter's behavior is my decision.'"
"NOR." - Catfactss
"OP is NOR. Neither my daughter nor my son would have behaved like OP's niece at that age, maybe three, but not four or five. If anything, they were wilder at home and my sister's My sister's because we hung out with our common-age children at least half the week and babysat back and forth."
"I had a younger brother that had ADD, called hyperkinetic back in the late 60s. He tried to behave like the child in this post, but my parents were on it."
"Also, I lost a lifelong friendship because my friend turned out to be like this five-year-old's parents. And her kid was a nightmare that she and her husband refused to do anything about."
"Sadly, this is just how it goes sometimes with parents like this." - shelbycsdn
"NOR. Since it doesn’t appear adults are fully watching your niece (including her parents), then this is what you need to do to ensure she doesn’t hurt herself or break things. She is five and still have some basics of boundaries at that age; obviously, she doesn’t get that regularly."
"My nephews from one of my husband’s sisters were like this when they were younger, and I always had to prepare myself mentally as well as the house physically for when I knew they were coming over. Things would become projectiles or toys / easily accessed things broken. My SIL was very hands-off and gentle parenting, so we had to compensate where we could."
"My dad one time did something similar where he raised his voice, but it was not directed at the kid but instead at the other adults who should’ve been watching him. He had been seeing it all night and finally said something, which offended my SIL and BIL, so they left soon after."
"What was the offense? Their eldest kept jumping on our couches despite us saying not to and that it’s not acceptable. Everyone had gone in the kitchen to get food for dinner and left him there. My dad was at the vantage point to see him fall off the couch and almost go through the glass of the coffee table. God forbid we point out questionable behavior." - trekqueen
But a few thought that this may have been too much for the OP's sister to digest after the lack of response about the birthday party.
"NOR. The first time she comes over, your house isn’t set up in a child-proof manner, so this time you make preparations to create safe zones to accommodate her and protect your things. I don’t see any problem with this."
"I do see how maybe, all of this combined with you not responding to the birthday invite, and not acknowledging her birthday, could be seen as having some kind of dislike for the child, but I also understand that you have a relatively new infant of your own, your sleep schedule is still disturbed and you could have genuinely thought you sent a text."
"Perhaps suggest setting up a time to get together, and do something special for your niece. I don’t agree with your sister’s comments or actions but I think her feelings were just hurt in thinking you don’t like her daughter." - GreenIsMyColor78
"'...their behavior should accommodate to your rules...' Yes, that’s how rules work. Your niece has clearly never heard the word no before. NOR."
"That being said, it’s a bit rude that you ignored the birthday invitation (even if to confirm you’re not coming) and didn’t send a birthday message. She is still only five." - Dabbles-In-Irony
"NOR, but it is rude to not respond, and in my opinion, that’s really more what the real issue is, even tho she primarily harps on the locked doors, etc... I think sister was offended at the lack of response, and chose that moment to throw more fuel to the fire by bringing up past offenses too."
"Yes, OP should have responded, but also… who doesn’t follow up at least once?"
"How does sister know for sure that the message was received? No follow-up text, no call or email to make sure? Sister immediately assumed that she was being ignored when, in reality, the first year with a baby is utter chaos and an oversight like that could easily be explained as distraction, not intention, so why does sister assume the worst?"
"Sister seems like an entirely unpleasant and entitled person, even going so far as to turn her nose up at OP’s excuses: 'Well, YOU were hosting, so it’s YOUR job to greet people.' Sheesh, sister couldn’t have lifted a finger to help when she saw that things weren’t ready?"
"Selfish and self-centered; everything is about her and her child and how she’s been offended. What five-year-old gets offended or hurt at not being greeted? None (unless it’s very obvious that they’re being intentionally ignored or snubbed; even then I dare say they might not notice or interpret it that way)."
"She even argues 'dirty,' holding a grudge for months, bottling it up and then exploding when another situation triggers her. Sister needs to grow up. OP needs to just continue as they were, as OP seems to be the only 'adult' in the situation." - Weeping_Willow_Wonka
"NOR. So she's basically upset that her daughter couldn't go into every room in your home and go through your things. I would have been more vocal the first time and taken away the ball instead of letting her kick it at your TV over and over, and she should have gotten a talking-to for breaking the toy."
"I wouldn't even want to invite them at all anymore if they think their child shouldn't have to follow rules. Which aren't really rules, just common respect for someone's home and privacy." - observefirst13
"Oh lordy, definitely NOR. If I invite guests over to my house and I want to close/lock my doors for whatever reason, but let's go with "because this is a no-go-zone", I'll do it."
"If you are a guest in another person's home, family or not, do not go snooping. Because if my guest were to do so, and question why a particular door is locked, I'm absolutely calling you out on why your intent was to open CLOSED doors in MY house. Plain and simple."
"Respect another person's home, no matter whose it is."
"A missed RSVP doesn't change that." - Jinxx_0300
As much as some could understand the frustration of not receiving an RSVP for a celebration involving a young child, most sided firmly with the OP, seeing that their niece needed to learn the word "no" and boundaries, whether they were verbal or as solid as a locked door.
